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Birthday Post

I woke up a few days ago and I felt very sad. I’m grateful for the new age and I’ve definitely come a long way since last year. It’s been a lot of growth, accountability, tears, everything you can think of. And yes, sometimes I still fall short but I’m definitely not where I was a year ago.

I woke up feeling sad because I missed the little girl who always got a new outfit and a party every year. My mum used to throw me a party every year.

As soon as the clock hit midnight, she would her hands on my head, pray for me then anoint my head with anointing oil. I miss those days.

I miss being a kid without responsibilities.

I miss being a daughter. I miss my mother.

I miss her hugs. And Yes, we talk over the phone but it will never be the same.

Her level of effort on my birthdays was unmatched. I don’t know how she did it but she always came through and that’s what I miss.

I look back at these last years and all the battles, some of which I’ve lost, through all my tears, I just wish she could hold my hand through it all.

In as much as I miss all these things, it is my birthday after all, and I am still grateful.

I am grateful for life. For family, for friends, for everything that I have while working on the things I want to achieve.

I am grateful because I am living in one of my prayers while God is working on the next miracle at his own time.

I am grateful for what has gone my way and for the things that didn’t go my way.

I am grateful for growth. And I hope someone throws me a surprise party. (A girl can dream right). Now don’t forget to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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My Prayer: Proverbs 31

I was speaking to an old friend who was asking about my dating life. Then the question came up, what kind of man are you looking for this time. My answer, short and simple: A Godly Man!

A few weeks ago, at bible studies, we spoke about relationships/courtships and what’s written in the bible about it. Before that session if you had asked me what I was looking for in a man, I would probably say a good man, kind, loving, a born-again Christian. It would have been a list.

That session however, made me realize that a “good man” simply won’t cut it! Yes, I said it. A good man is just not good enough. Allow me to explain.

Up until last year even, I would have called myself a good woman and therefore, a good man would have been enough. But I’ve come to the realization that I don’t want to be a good woman anymore. It’s just not enough.

I want to be a great woman. I want to be a phenomenal woman. I want to make things happen and what better way to do all those things than to just work towards becoming a godly woman. A Proverbs 31 woman.

A godly woman deserves a godly man. A man filled with the fruit of the spirit. For those who aren’t familiar with it, go read Galatians 5:22. The passage says the fruit of the IS! not the fruit of the spirit ARE. But it uses a singular term which means that a godly man/woman must have all those qualities!

Someone once said to me that I didn’t possess the characteristics of a woman. Soft, meek, nurturing, SUBMISSIVE etc.

Since I started my journey of self-discovery and self-betterment, I have realized that, that statement was totally wrong. Yes, I am a woman of strong character and I have very strong opinions and I can acknowledge the fact that it may come across as arrogance (which I am working on) but one thing is for sure I can never in this life submit to a man without a vision and a mission. Come and beat me. I said it.

I can never submit to wasted potential! I can never submit to a man who’s not striving for greatness! I can never submit to a man, who does not want to be a husband! (There’s a huge difference between a man seeking for a wife and a man who actually wants to be a husband).

I can go on and on about the qualities of a godly man but then again, a godly man also deserves a godly woman.

So recently my prayer points have changed, and they have become about myself!

I pray that God makes me teachable and submissive.

Like Ruth, I pray he makes me hard-working.

Like Esther, I pray he makes me brave and courageous.

Like Rachel, I pray he makes me patient.

Like Hannah and Mary Magdalene, I pray he makes me faithful to his word.

Like Deborah, I pray he makes me a great and compassionate leader.

Above all, I pray to become a Proverbs 31 woman!

My prayer points have become about myself because I cannot demand for a man that I am not prepared for. God will not shower you with blessings when you are not ready to receive them, so I have to be prepared.

Lastly, my prayers are about myself because a godly man knows he also has work to do, which he will, and it will be between himself and God!

While you’re working on becoming a godly (wo)man, don’t forget to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Confession Time: I am learning and unlearning.

And some days I forget what it is to be gentle with myself- how to look at myself with kind eyes and speak to myself with soft words. Forget that i am my home and a temple worthy of worship.

Becca Lee

I guess I have to come to a point in my life, where I recognize that unlearning is the highest form of learning.

I believe the “learning” part is actually the easier part. Unlearning however, Not So Easy. So when starting the journey of unlearning patterns that you may have believed majority of your life, you just have to be kind and patient with yourself because that ish can be messy.

We have been conditioned to believe certain things about ourselves. we have been conditioned to believe that there may be a certain way to do certain things.

Women, for a very long time, were conditioned to believe that our self worth is tied to a man.

For a long time we believe certain things (about ourselves) that we may have learnt either from home or through experience.

If we are brave enough, we may just seek out the hidden knowledge that we’ve been conditioned to not believe. And that right there is the beginning of taking back power over your life because you uncover the seed of your authentic self.

So here are a few things I am unlearning in my journey:

I don’t always have to make my point! : Maybe it’s just me becoming more mature but I really do not have the energy to make my point anymore. A little it to a fault. Some people have already decided to misunderstand you anyways so why bother. I say OK and I keep it moving. What I am learning however, is how to set clear boundaries and stand firm on those boundaries ! That’s a form of self-care.

It’s ok for people to take 2-3 business days to get back to me. I used to hate this when I was younger but now I have become them ! Don’t judge, Adulthood is really hitting hard. What I am learning is that sometimes people are busy, sometimes people forget to text you. Sometimes people are just not in the right frame of mind to text you or call you back and that’s ok. We are adults and Adulthood is one of the most difficult hoods there is out there.

Just because I am a good person, doesn’t mean everyone will see my worth and do right by me. What I am learning however is that I am not for everyone and everyone isn’t for me. What’s most important is that I know myself and I don’t let other people determine my worth. I am learning to stand firm is what I believe myself to be. I am learning to believe in my ability to heal and get on with it no matter who chooses to stay and who chooses to leave. I am learning that I am whole by myself.

The process of unlearning a pattern that you’ve been accustomed to will not be easy. It will be messy because on some days you will fall right back into your old ways and you will have to call yourself out on your BS and get on the right track with the process and that’s ok. While you’re at it, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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I met someone

You know that relationship after a breakup, you are unsure because it seems like everything is too good to b e true? Well, I think I met someone. Would it be too forward to say I love him

He makes me really happy and I haven’t been really happy in what? A year maybe…….

S.I.K.E !! You thought I will tell you the full story (It’s unfortunate you can’t see me but I have my devilish smile on)

But hey, my love life is not up for discussion today. Until then here a few reminders for those of you out there who want to get back on the dating scene.

  1. PRIORITISE YOURSELF!!!!

Focus more on yourself and your needs. We tend to wonder too much about the other person. Whether or not they like us, we wonder if we’re good enough for them. Do they like the way we dress, eat etc. Switch up the narrative. Ask yourself if they are good enough for you. Do you even like them or are you too preoccupied with trying to impress them. Do you have fun with them?

2. Know What You Want But Be Realistic.

When you don’t know what you want, you will end up attracting all sorts of people. Confused people, lost people, abusive people, name it. And in the end, they end up pouring their negative energy into your cup and you get pulled back into some really dark place that you may have left behind.

Nobody has it all figured out, including you. Be realistic about what you want brought to the table. Be realistic about your “checklist” because one thing is certain, nobody will ever tick that checklist 100%. So, make sure you are aware of what is and is not negotiable. Take people as they are and not what you think they could be. Lastly, be realistic about what you are bringing to the table. What we are not trying to do is be hypocrites. It’s a give and take after all, you can’t just be receiving.

3. Rejection Is Not So Personal.

Ok I am not a fan of ghosting because I believe people should just say what they feel and say it with their full chest. Few people have the decency to express their lack of interest, but most people don’t, and when this happens, baby don’t take it personal. It most likely has nothing to do with you as a person. People lose interest in people every day, hell you might lose interest in someone, and it wouldn’t be personal. Moral of the story is: Your worth does not diminish just because one person was not or lost interest in you.

4. Be Honest.

This is self-explanatory. Be honest with yourself and with the other person. Be honest about your feelings and intentions. Feelings change and when they do, make sure to communicate them. Know when to hold on, know when to leave. Don’t be afraid to start over.

If the other person is giving you hints, take them hints, don’t force yourself on people, there is so many fish in the sea. Tell yourself the gospel truth and move on.

5. Be Patient.

Also, very self-explanatory. Nothing good comes easy.

How does the saying go: what comes easy won’t last and what lasts won’t come easy. There’s no need to rush, that’s when you settle for just anyone and make long term mistakes that may cost you a lot of pain and heartbreak. Be patient, take your time. Get to know people for who they are. Get to know yourself for who you are with those people.

Whilst you’re dating, don’t forget to pray, read your bible, and put whoever you are dating in prayer because the devil may just send you one of his disciples disguised in everything that you want. Now chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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I (don’t) Trust you.

Have you ever trusted someone? Blindly, with your life? Yes, No? If your answer is yes, then I hope you trusted Jesus.

I find the concept of trust to be rather fascinating. Such a small word yet holds great meaning to it. The easiest way to gain is by just being honest. It might take weeks, month or even years to build yet can be lost in a matter of seconds.

One lie. One betrayal. One stab in the back and it is gone. Once it’s gone, you begin to question everything. One lie is all it takes for trust to be broken and a bunch of truth to be questioned.

Lady Gaga, in one of her songs, said “Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broken, But you can still the crack in that motherf*cker’s reflection”

I recently had someone close to me break my trust and trust me I already have trust issues. I don’t trust people easily, so when I do trust someone and it gets taken for granted, I am really hurt.

Naturally, I was…. I am hurt but the tricky part is when you love someone, a family member, a friend, your spouse, you always try to understand WHY. That is always in the forefront.

The Why is, in my opinion, the reason most people take their cheating partners back. You ever noticed that after one person cheats and after we’ve all cursed them, our next course of action is to understand why! I know someone who cheated on their partner and even though we condemned this action we understood why the person did it (which in no way justifies what they had done).

The Why is the reason why toxic Family members stick around for far too long.

Why and Love. Because we love them, we want to understand. In my humble opinion, I believe that the why is our own way of somewhat justifying their actions because we tell ourselves that when we understand why they did, then maybe we can work on it and then it might not happen again.

I have used that reasoning as well. But not to stay but to leave. If I had known why, I would have stayed. Anyways now we are getting into another topic there……

Trust is like a vase, once it’s broken, though you can fix it, the vase will never be same again.

– Walter Anderson

A piece of paper does not get back to its initial form after it has been folded.

No matter how much you try to repair a plate, glass, whatever that’s breakable, it will never go back to its perfect form.

No matter how much we apologize for offending someone or hurting them with our words, we cannot take them back after they have been spoken and the person cannot “un-hear” them either. My point is Its better and easier to keep something intact than trying to repair it.

Trust dies but mistrust blossoms

– Sophocles

Trust is so delicate and if you have the power to not break it, you shouldn’t do it. Preserve your relationship with your loved ones because something so little can really mess with people’s minds. And if you have broken someone’s trust and you’re GENUINLY working on getting it back then I wish you best of luck because good and genuine people don’t come by easy these days. Put in the work. If the friendship or relationship with anyone is worth it, work on reinstating the trust, and I know it is hard. I have been there. Multiple times. While you’re working on regaining someone’s trust or working on trusting someone back, don’t forget to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Girls Talk

I feel like it’s been such a while…. I hope everyone is doing great. I am ok. Not. These past two weeks have been terrible. I was not under pressure from school or anything. Ok I always am but that’s not the reason these past two weeks have been terrible. I was just really down. Something happened and it just took all my energy. But anyways let us talk about something light this time.

I met with my girls over the weekend, and we don’t get to do that all the time because two of the girls live further away, one was busy with exams, and everyone just generally trying to get through this scam called adulthood.

Meeting with my friends is always therapeutic. We hardly get the time to meet but whenever we do, it reminds me that having a good circle of friends is important because we all can’t get through life alone. We need people. And these girls have been there for me sand have always come through for me no matter what.

Anyways one of the topics that came up is of course relationship and men. So, Five of us, three with man and two with no man and of course those with man complain about their men and those without man complain that they cant find man. Not that anyone is actively looking for man, but it always seems like what we want, even those with man, is too much these days.

I am talking simple loyalty, a god fearing man, sprinkle a tiny weeny bit of romance in there, the right kind of love language. And don’t get wrong, even men be looking for “good women” these days and they don’t seem to find them, so the question came up: Where do these Instagram couples meet each other. Where do people meet these days.

It’s like men don’t know how to talk to girls these days because I cringe a lot when I see certain things. Men complain that women don’t treat them well and their efforts are taken for granted. So where does a good man meet a good woman and vice versa. It really can’t be that difficult right? Help a sister out. That ladies and gentlemen was the question of our day.

By the end of the evening, I learnt that love language is of utmost importance. Just because you say you love someone; does not mean they feel loved. We have to find the right balance between loving people the way we know and loving them the way they also would understand.

I learnt that it is ok to be happy and content on your own but also crave romantic intimacy with your own personal person. Not everyone who wants a romantic partner is lonely. I know from experience that having your own personal somebody where you feel 100% comfortable is an amazing feeling. The gossips, the inside jokes, everything.

I learnt that just because people are together doesn’t mean they are happy. But we are not ready to have that conversation. Forget that “aww they’ve been together for so long”. It’s a scam. I know quite a few relationships like this.

I learnt that what works for couple A mustn’t work for couple B. Please do you.

I learnt that it is not always the men. Sometimes women are trash !

I don’t know how many of you are having the same “issues” as my friends and I. We really cannot be the only ones who want to meet people but hardly go out and out put ourselves out there.  Don’t be like us if you want to find love. Go out and meet people and if youre like us, well may God help us.

At the end of the day, we all shall be fine. Must be fine. Until you meet your future Mr(S) perfect, Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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I am busy.

I used to hate it when people don’t reply to my messages, but truth be told, I have become one of those people. Messages stay unopened and unanswered for days. I just don’t have the strength for it so what do I say, I am busy. “I’m sorry, I was busy” and yet I’m seen posting on my Instagram stories.

I lied and said I was busy. I am busy but not in the way most people might understand. I was busy calming a racing heart. I was busy taking deeper breaths. I was busy calming irrational thoughts. I was busy telling myself that I am okay. I was busy picking up every broken piece of myself that still needs fixing. I was busy running away from my fears and at the same time busy trying to face them.

I was busy wiping my tears and telling myself that my future is bright even though I feel suffocated right now. I was busy convincing myself that when the time is right, I will find happiness, both alone and with a good man who deserves me. I was busy telling convincing myself that I am not a disappointment and that I will shine when my time comes.

I was busy calming the storm around me. I was busy telling myself that this is just phase, and this too shall pass. I was busy telling myself that I am not a failure. I was busy trying to break down because I feel those tears about to run down my cheeks and I don’t even know why. I was busy telling myself I have every right to be here because I have purpose, I just haven’t found it yet. I was busy telling myself that I am enough even though people have made me believe otherwise. I was busy beating myself up about not having a productive day. I was busy beating myself up about being behind in life. I was busy comparing myself to my mates who seem to be ahead of me.

I was busy mourning a failed relationship that I thought would last forever this time. I was busy mourning all the people that I thought would be there forever but have become strangers to me. I was busy telling myself that there is nothing wrong with me. I was busy telling myself that I am hurting, healing, and growing all at once and that is uncomfortable. I was busy telling myself that I am good mother. I was busy…. !

Sometimes this is my busy and I will not apologize for it.

Idea: @christi.steyn

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What did I do right this week?

What did I do wrong??

This question pops up all the time. It seems to be the first things that comes to mind when things go south or when they just don’t go as planned. we are so quick to condemn ourselves, be harsh on ourselves.

I was scrolling through Instagram and I came across one Profil I follow and really like, @toeverymom, and she does this poll every Friday, asking mothers what they did right and she tells her followers what she did right.

I loved the idea because even I am very quick to list a bunch of things I could have done differently to get my desired outcome and so I gained inspiration from her poll and thought for week, I would share 5 things I did right this week.

  1. I came back to life. LMAO please I did not die. I cannot die and I will not die. I will live and declare the works of the Lord. Yes that is the African in me quoting Psalm 118:17. What i mean by that is, I have been hiding in my little shell for quite some weeks now. I didn’t check on people and avoided most of my incoming calls and messages. I do this when I feel overwhelmed (with emotions). When things become too much, I just shut down and only communicate when it’s inevitable. However, this week I got back to quite a few people. I picked calls and responded to messages. The returning calls is still not really working and to be honest, it’s not something I want to work on right now. Bad habit.
  2. I celebrated my son’s birthday. There was no party just him, his two little friends, some gifts, some balloons and a cake. But I celebrated him and while I was celebrating him, I also celebrated myself because I am doing this alone. I keep showing up even on days I don’t feel like. I hold it down even on days when I want to be taken care of. I took a trip down memory and it reminded me of my strength and perseverance. I was reminded that this period was nothing but a phase and this too shall pass.
  3. I hung out with my friends. This might not sound like a big deal but people who know me are very aware of my anti-social behavior. I am the queen of cancellation. Besides that, I had a very busy and short weekend, so I didn’t get much time for myself, so me not cancelling was a proud moment for me. I allowed myself to have fun and enjoy the company of my girls whom I hadn’t seen in a long time.
  4. Satan tried and failed. You know when you’re in your corner, trying to have an ok time and just overall minding your own business and the devil is thinking hmm this child has had quite a bit of peaceful time, let me send her a little sum sum. Well, he actually tried it. He sent one of his minions to test me and he failed. utterly. I did not allow anything to invade my peace of mind because my peace of mind is just priceless. I didn’t let that little moment of anger or negativity linger for too long because there’s no room for that here.
  5. I listened to some Praise and Worship. God and I have not been on good terms lately. Mainly because I grew impatient and was being ungrateful. I am human, I will be ignorant sometimes. I have not attended Bible study session in weeks. I find it hard to open my Bible and study the word. Listening to some gospel may not be a huge step but it’s a small step in the right direction and that’s what matters.

I don’t know why we are always in the habit of focusing on the negative thoughts, the negative actions, what’s going wrong in our lives. Let’s often challenge ourselves to change the lenses with which we see life and shift our focus to the things that are going right, use that as motivation to work on the things that are not so right because no condition is permanent. I sound like such a hypocrite but hey this is a challenge, even for me.

So, I challenge you to write down 5 things that you did right this week and every once in a while I will write about what I did right. Now chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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A Letter to my estranged Father

Photo by Josh Willink on Pexels.com

Hey Dad…..

It feels very strange calling you “Dad”. Lately when Sarah, Patricia and I speak about you, i tend to call you by your name. It feels more normal. So allow me to start this again

Hey Gabriel,

Isn’t it sad that it feels more normal to call you that? I was listening to “dance with my father again” by Luther Vandross and I thought of you. I hope you are doing well.

Continue reading “A Letter to my estranged Father”
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Morning after dark

You know that seemingly healthy relationship that comes after a failed one? Yep, that’s pretty difficult if you ask me.

Everything triggers you. Each fight triggers break up thoughts. You think its better to push them away. You feel you’re better on your own. What if it fails again? What if they are not the one? The differences in the relationship are way too evident.

You overthink everything. You make up your mind on the failure of the relationship before the relationship even has the chance to become anything. You’ve already concluded that they are going to lie. They are going to cheat. They will not understand your situation. They will judge you and use your weakness against you. They will eventually leave.

Continue reading “Morning after dark”