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Confessions Of A Hopeless Romantic

I woke up this morning thinking about love and partnership. How simple and beautiful it is when done with the right person who shares similar values with you. Someone who realizes that love language is of utmost importance and is willing to put in the effort. Even when and if they don’t get it right all the time, but at least they are trying. It’s the thought that counts right?

How is it that love is such a simple thing yet most of us find it so difficult to express? How is it that all of us crave pure love yet we don’t act right when given the chance to be with a genuine person? I wonder what makes it so difficult to maintain a healthy romantic relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not lonely, however I do crave love in its purest form.

A love where we both make sacrifices for each other.

A love where we both understand each other’s love language.

A love where we both act right.

A love where we both feel seen, heard, and loved. I say feel because just because you love someone doesn’t mean they feel loved by you.

A love where we both communicate honestly.

A love where we’re both intentional about each other.

A love where we’re both happy individually and together.

A love where we both honor and respect each other’s boundaries.

A love where our words and actions align.

A love where we’re both sure about each other.

A love where we both prioritize each other.

A love that’s not selfish.

A love that compromises healthily.

A love where we both feel safe.

A love where we don’t have to second guess ourselves.

A love not tainted by any of us in the relationship.

A love where God is in our midst.

Besides everything we see on social media and in the movies, I just crave a healthy love where our foundation is solid. A love that’s healthy on the inside and not just focused on looking good externally.

If you happen to have found your soulmate, please direct the rest, they sell them on amazon?

Until we all meet our better halves, we chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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It’s ok to expect certain things from certain people.

“Nobody owes to anything”- I call BS on that. This useless mentality that you don’t owe nobody anything destroys a lot of good things.

Bare in my mind, this is just my opinion so if you do not agree, well opinions are like assholes, we all have them.

I believe that certain decisions come with baggage that you just must fulfill. Yes, to some extent, we all don’t owe anybody anything but how tragic would life be if we all lived by this mentality.

It is ok to expect certain things from certain people. The keyword here is “certain things from certain people”, please not from everybody because some people constantly disappoint. I call them career disappointers. Plus, there are certain things you just can’t expect from e.g. strangers or people who aren’t really close to you.

If someone decides its time for them to settle down, get married or whatever, your partner is allowed to expect things from you and you my friend should be able to deliver at least the basic things. Like loyalty/faithfulness, trust, commitment, communication etc. These are certain things that automatically come with the decision of wanting to settle down with one person and have a committed relationship.

If someone decides to keep a child and raise, you as a parent owe that child everything it needs to grow until the child gets to a certain age where he/she can fend for themselves. Its doesn’t always go without saying that things are going to be easy but the least you can do is try and do your best.

You owe any kind of relationship, that’s important to you, nurturing. You owe it to your friends to be there for them. Your friends should expect you to be there for them because if that relationship is not serving its purpose, then what’s the point?

Every relationship is a give and take. In a fair world, what you put in, is what you get out.

However, know the people you are expecting things from. I have certain that I’ve stopped calling when I need something urgently. Yes, I get disappointed when I feel the need to talk or share something heavy and I call and they don’t pick (especially because these are people who always have their phones in their hands and always like stuff on Instagram in 0.2 seconds but whenever I call, they coincidentally never pick) and that’s ok, at least I have learnt to shift my expectations to somewhere else. I know exactly who I can call when I need something in 0.2 seconds.

Yes, it is true, you get disappointed when you expect things from people. And its ok for people to disappoint. We are human beings after all. Sometimes we need time to ourselves but when they constantly disappoint you in a certain department then maybe its time to shift focus or address the issue, if it hasn’t been addressed before?

Point is, a healthy amount of expectation is ok to have in any form of relationship. Just don’t expect (too much) from the wrong people. Now, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Sunday confessions: Somebody’s son has found me

I woke up this morning, happy. The birds chirping. The morning feeling of soft, cool breeze as I step outside.

My boyfriend had made breakfast, pancakes, eggs and some orange juice. It was peaceful. I hadn’t felt this level of peace in a long time.

He ran me a bath, left me cute little notes around the house so I could find during the day (it was a tough week) and went about his day.

As I take my bath, I am completely amazed at how well this man treats me. He listens to me, he encourages me, he supports me, he has no problems providing and protecting, he’s romantic, he’s thoughtful.

He doesn’t pressurize me into things I don’t want to do. He prays for me, he prays with me, he loves me, he’s a good man but above all, he’s a godly man.

I never thought a day like this would come, when a man would love me unconditionally for who I am. A man with whom I could let lose, a man who understands me. My guard was down. I had no problems being submissive to this man. A man who brought me nothing but peace of mind. A man I trusted.

I finished taking my bath and decided to make him food. I made his favorite meal. Shopped for his favorite beverages and snacks. I wanted to spoil him just as he thought of spoiling me that morning.

I set the table and my phone rings……

Lo and behold it’s my alarm. It was all a dream. Disappointed, I get out of bed and play somebody’s son by Tiwa savage as I proceed to sing “somebody son go find me one day” at the top of my voice while I chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Don’t be stingy with your support

I’ve had this conversation with multiple people and no matter how many times we talk about this topic, we shall never make headway.

Why is it so difficult for friends and family to support you?

I started my Blog in December and to be honest, I am positively overwhelmed by the amount of love and feedback I have gotten so far. However, most of the love and feedback and ACTIVE support does not come from the people closest to me.

My friends read it and sometimes when they feel like it, a few friends share posts they like. I am not going to sit here and make it seem as if I haven’t had support from my friends, but you know the support that you need for something to blow up or for a business to succeed or whatever, yeah no. its not that kind of support.

I’ve always wondered the reason behind the discrepancy between them telling you they support you, and them actually showing you the support when you need it.

Is it jealousy? Envy? Competition? Because some of your closest folks are turn out to be your biggest haters.

Whatever the reason may be, I believe familiarity plays an immense role in this. We tend to take those around us for granted because we know them. We see them all the time. We have access to them. Whether conscious or unconsciously we just tend to take our loved ones for granted.

Any time I do a poll on Instagram most of the people that respond and engage are people that aren’t close to me. Most of the feedback I get are from people who I never thought would even read my blog but my closest are all legally blind when it comes to engagement.

See my advice is this, just do you honey. Because if you wait for friends and family to support you, thou shall only be hearing crickets……

Can you hear that…….. PURE CRICKETS! So, start that business, take that course, write that book, take that exam, apply for that job, take that calculated risk that you’ve been yearning to take because if you wait for somebody to support you, sorry to break it to you love, but the most support you’re going to get will most likely be from a stranger.

And you have to start somewhere for that stranger to see your work, right?

So, I leave you with this, support your friends’ businesses, don’t be an egoistic supporter. Don’t be an undercover hater. You supporting others, doesn’t diminish your own business ventures. Don’t just let them know you support them, show them by supporting in any way that you can. Supports come in different ways, so if you can’t spend coins, just support however else you can. Myself included.

And if you ever find yourself becoming envious and jealous of other people because they are excelling, kindly put your hand on your heart and say “Father forgive me, for I am witch/wizard”. Now chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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My Red Flag

As human beings we all have our strengths, weaknesses, flaws, red flags, however you choose to label these things. Fact is, we all have them. Let me tell you about one of my “flaws” that is definitely a major red flag.

You see when the bible said we should forgive and FORGET. Yeah, I don’t think I was listening. I certainly do not forget. I don’t even know if I truly forgive or if at some point, I’m just like whatever. But I don’t forget. I know I’m working on it.

Now how did I get to this point you may wonder…..Adele!

Adele released her new single, easy on me, and I have been in my feelings ever since. Its not really about the song but it’s the tone that Adele sets with her voice and the whole atmosphere.

Whenever I listen to Adele, trust me I am going through an imaginary divorce in my head. Picture all the RnB videos from back in the day, me in a train, its training and I’m looking out the window and picturing how everything went down? You get the picture…that’s how dramatic I am.

So, since Adele released her single she has basically been on repeat. I’ve abused all the songs that I like and each time a different heartbreaking scenario comes up and this one time something came up in my head that I should have just let go but I entertained the thought and that’s how I hurt my own feelings (I wish I could insert emojis).

A few posts ago I mentioned this guy who exchanged inappropriate messages with his ex and one part of the message stood out. “I’ve been thinking about you”….Can we just have a moment of silence for me because my feelings was hurt. That sentence broke me. And in that moment as I’m listening to Adele pretending to be heartbroken, the heartbreak became real. I was right back in that moment when I found out and it all went slo-mo. I needed a minute to sit down and breath and remind myself that, his behavior had nothing to do with me because its very easy for me to get in a cycle of self-sabotage and self-doubt.

And this is how I know that I don’t forget because as soon as I allowed myself to get in that mood, that I had no business entertaining, I had everything vividly in my mind like it happened yesterday. I thought of all the times where I felt like I was being treated unfairly by anyone, not just this person.

Me not being a person who doesn’t forget, I can definitely tell you what happened on the 15. August 2002. I can break down what you said, how you said it and how it came about and if it is something that cut me deeply, I will be right back in that moment, feeling everything that I was feeling, and I will let it linger.

Me not being able to forget keeps me very cautious. I am very particular about the people I let in my life. on the other hand, being too cautious isn’t always good either. I don’t trust people easily, especially when it comes to working through things after something has happened. I’m not big on giving people chances and when I do, I hold on to things very long for the fear that the person will do me the same again. I have built this wall around me and its hard to get through, I am not going to lie about that. I am not someone who sees the best in everybody.

Now, I can blame this on the things that have happened to me in the past, and yes they may have contributed to me becoming like this but at some point we all have to take responsibility and be accountable for our actions.

Although this is something I’m working on, sometimes, I still think about that sentence and feel some type of way because I wonder if it was me, but I know it wasn’t.

Don’t be like me. Let things go so you can enjoy life, so you can enjoy your friendships and your romantic relationships. Make sure you forgive 77 times like Jesus said to peter, and make sure you forget once you’ve forgiven. And if you’re like me and you struggle with that, may God help us. Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10

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“Men settle down where they find peace”

This post is for ranting purposes only. I feel like ranting today.

First of all here are a few disclaimers:

Whatever I shall write in this post does not apply to all men.

Yes, I know women are equally trash.

I do not hate men. Quite the opposite actually and I love it when women speak highly of their men.

However, I am a heterosexual woman, dealing with only men and my friends are mainly also heterosexual who also only deal with men so yeah. I can only speak from my experience and the women around me.

Ok here we go,

What is it about men that makes them just relax after they’ve gotten the girl or the women they were so passionately chasing? Excuse me, but what nonsense behavior is that. Its like free trial period is over then they bring out their true colors.

Some stories that I have heard, seen or even experienced are actually very laughable because if we don’t laugh about it, we surely gon cry sis.

I am not really making an effort to differentiate between the married ones and the ones who are just dating or courting because just because the married ones aren’t washing their dirty lineage in public, don’t mean they ain’t suffering as well.

It’s like boy meets girl, everything is good. Boy is super romantic, appears to be emotionally intelligent, seems to be ambitious, has his shit together. In addition to that, boy does all the gestures that he knows would swoon his woman. Whether it be sending her some flowers, booking trips, planning dates or whatever it is the other party is interested in at the time. The man does all these things in hopes of impressing the woman or whatever and in return the woman obviously will reciprocate the energy.

So, boy meets girl, they fall in love, boy asks girl out and girl accepts. And then what do we do, we relax! Hmmmmmmmmmmm and that’s where trouble starts.

No dates, no flowers, no good morning beautiful, no hey mama what you need, I gotchu….nothing like that. Just boy and girl staring at each other. No random I love you baby messages….just crickets. PURE CRICKETS.

All of a sudden you start hearing stuff like “But I find it hard to express myself”, it didn’t seem so hard when you was chasing me tho. But you was posting me tho, now “I’m a private person”, are you sir or you just trynna keep your options open?

I don’t know if it’s the fact that society has conditioned us, especially black folks, to believe that women have to prove themselves just to be worthy of love. The concept of “struggle love” still very much exists. The more nonsense she accepts, proves that she loves you and would stand by her man no matter what. Excuse me sir, did you skip the part in the bible where the woman is only meant to submit and not love? Where does it state in the bible that I, a woman must love a man? Did you also skip the part where it clearly states that man should love his wife as Christ loves the church? Do we even know what that means?

Its like, if a man asks a woman to marry him, he thinks he’s doing her a favor so she has to earn it.

“Men settle down where they find peace”- aha ok, do I look like I want to settle where there’s trouble. Is it that men are the only ones who deserve peace because excuse me sir that peace you speak of was because you were also bringing me peace and now talking about “you’ve changed”. Of course I have changed. Treat me the way you used to when you were chasing me and watch me change back to the woman you had back then.

And yes, I believe that a woman in most cases is the responsive one. So how are you expecting to get what you do not give sir? From time to time speak her love language and watch her treat you like the king that you are, but men just be demanding from an empty vessel. Vessel you haven’t poured anything substantial into, in a very long time so where is the peace that you seek coming from?

I don’t want to blame our parents for how they raised their sons because at a certain age, everyone is responsible for their own actions, but I do believe that SOME mothers raised SOME entitled little kings who believe that the bare minimum will get them maximum results and it just don’t work that way.

I have so much more to say on this topic but even writing this is making me angry so I’m just going to stop here. I am not in any way disregarding that good men go through stuff in the hands of women who aren’t worth it so lets us pray to God that Good men meet good women so their love can flourish !

While we wait for somebody’s son to find us and love us healthily and openly some day, lets continue to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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The “Pick Me Up” I Didn’t Know I Needed

This is a bragging post about my toddler’s emotional intelligence. I don’t know if I’m doing something right here, but my 3-year-old does a fantastic job at noticing when I need a pick me up.

A few weeks ago, out of nowhere my son comes to me, gives a hug and says he’s proud of me. One of the many times I got to hear the words I didn’t know I needed. It was just a random moment. Now, I realize that he may also just be saying things he remembers or just repeating things I normally tell him but in that moment I didn’t care. He was proud of me and that was all that mattered to me.

2020 was a year of change. Almost everything that I had known practically collapsed and I had to start over, as 2021 is coming to an end, some things are about to change again and these changes have been waying heavily on my mind, this week especially.

So yesterday, after I had put him down to sleep and we were laying in bed, I was not necessarily sad, but I was in my own world, I had been the whole week. I was deep in my own thoughts when he just reached out to my face and in German he says, ist ok mama, ich bin doch da, meaning It’s ok mummy, I’m here. Then he casually turned to his face away from me and at some point, he fell asleep. But he didn’t say anything else to me after those words.

At that point, I literally cried me a river. Even though, he can’t do much, he let me know that he was there for me. The fact that he articulated it meant everything to me because these are words that we most times don’t get to hear. Yes, you may be aware that friends, family and lovers are there for you but as adults we get so caught up in our own world, facing our own responsibilities and fighting our own battles that we sometimes forget to let our loved ones know that we love them and that we are there for them. We assume they know our feelings.

I don’t know how these changes that are coming are going to affect us, but I know for a fact that it’s just him and I through thick and thin. Ok that sounds a bit dramatic, but you know what I mean.

After crying me a river, I went on my knees, I prayed about everything that had been on my mind. I listened to my son’s heartbeat reminding myself that no matter what happened, I had survived everything that I had been through and that I would do the same with everything that is coming. I reminded myself that I had come this far not just to come this far.

Sometimes you become so attached to people that you forget that the actual power is within you.

I don’t know what you’re going through, but we will all get through it. I’m rooting for all of us! So, here’s a little pick me up, Life is tough but so are you darling. And if you’re reading this, it means that you’ve survived 100% of your bad days, go crush some more and come out victorious on the other side because I am rooting for you. You are not alone. I love you; God loves you, he didn’t bring you this far just to bring you this far. You’re doing great. Just chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Complaining Series….

You know how they say, “don’t let your bad days trick you into thinking you have a bad life” Hmmmm I have been trying to remind myself of that lately

See since this Pandemic started, I don’t want to sound ungrateful but Argh the universe has just been against me.

Just in case you haven’t noticed it yet, yes this is a complaining post. Yes, I am complaining. This is the purpose of this my blog after all

You know when you feel like everything is just going wrong. Every aspect of your life is just not going the way it is supposed to go. Its like God has forgotten me or what. Or is he not hearing my prayers, or he’s punishing me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m cursed or if any of my parents are and its just following me because I can’t think of anything in this life that I could have done, that would justify this hardship. I AM TIRED.

See I am ready to be a baby girl and live the baby girl lifestyle. I am tired of working on my own and hustling and having to spend my own money. I am tired of adulthood. It’s a scam. My mother warned me but I refused to listen. Hell even my dad warned me and I still didn’t heed to his advice. I should have stayed in my mother’s womb.

What I want now is just to relax and be taken care off. I am ready to shake my ass on a yacht in Dubai. In a thong (Shoutout to Nella Rose). I am ready to put my feet up and just sip on some overpriced champagne and do nothing. I am ready for someone to take my responsibilities and make them theirs.

Ok fine, I’m getting carried away by my dramatics, but you get the point.

It just feels like no matter how much I pray, no matter how much I worship, it keeps falling on deaf ears. All my mates are legit moving forward in life. At least that’s what it feels like. My mates that are doing it, do they have two heads and yes, I said that in the most African way possible.

You see that quote about not being tricked into thinking you’re having a bad life, yeah please someone should take it upon themselves to remind me because it sure as hell seems like it.

Normally, I would tell you to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10, which I still am. However I need that chinning up as well because my chin is definitely not up !

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Relationship Saga

Heeey my lovelies, I feel like it’s been forever! I just haven’t been inspired lately plus I’ve had a crappy week. I hope you guys are doing better than I am. I literally cried myself to sleep last night. Yes, that is how bad it is.

Mind you I never cry for one reason; it was all my feelings that I had been bottling in that got triggered by one thing and then everything just comes out.

But my friend and I had this very interesting discussion about relationships because when is someone not going through relationship stuff right!?

How many times does one have to forgive (the same) behavior before deciding to stay or let go?

How many times do we have to have a conversation about the same things before deciding that the relationship is not improving?

At what point does a relationship become toxic?

Is there an exact moment for these things?

In my course of dating, I have been lied to, I have lied, I have rejected, and I have been rejected, I even caught a guy that I liked sexting with his ex. The whole inappropriate texting was not the first time that had happened to me, and it made me so paranoid.

Point of correction, I have trust issues! When it happened to me the first time, I didn’t let go, I had developed the “he didn’t sleep with her” mentality (at least as far I knew of, he hadn’t slept with her/them yet).

When it happened again, the sexting itself was minor comparing to what really hurt me. It was someone we had extensive conversations about, someone “who didn’t mean anything”, as human beings like to say,

I could actually go and on about this matter because I have the ability to put myself back in a situation and feel everything again but we move.

Now sometimes I find myself wondering if I have become a toxic partner. I wonder if I project my fears and insecurities on to people who probably don’t deserve it. I guarantee you that I have not always been like this but it seems pain changes some things about you.

But why can’t human beings just be faithful tho……. Ok now I’m drifting from my initial thought

Back to my initial thought, we see so many couples who have been together for years and yet they are so unhappy, African parents are prime example, most of us kids boast of how our grandparents and parents were married for 30+ years and we also saw how unhappy they were, we saw how grandpa and daddy had 5 other concubines outside, suddenly mummy is raising a child that isn’t hers. A lot of the men from generations before us were physically and emotionally abusive, yet we label them “strong”.

So, I ask again, when do you hold on and when do you let go?

I’ve always admired people who have worked on their relationship and came back stronger, it doesn’t matter what threw them off course, but does it mean that the one who decided to let took the easy way out?

I find it interesting that most romantic relationship issues are mostly internal. The weapon fashioning against most relationships is always at least one person in the relationship.

Someone is either lying, cheating, not communicating effectively, not listening, texting other people, hiding their partner, not giving enough attention and so many other things. Can we just love each other and let the weapon fashioning against us actually come from outside and not from within?

Oh well I wish us all luck out here because its not easy. Don’t go creating fake scenarios and hurt your feelings (I am the queen of this).

Oooooh if you thought I had an answer to the above-mentioned questions, sorry I don’t. I just wing it myself. Hell, I’ve been cheated on when I should have seen the signs so if you have any Tipps for me, let a sis know.

Until we all find our soulmates in this life, we chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Birthday Post

I woke up a few days ago and I felt very sad. I’m grateful for the new age and I’ve definitely come a long way since last year. It’s been a lot of growth, accountability, tears, everything you can think of. And yes, sometimes I still fall short but I’m definitely not where I was a year ago.

I woke up feeling sad because I missed the little girl who always got a new outfit and a party every year. My mum used to throw me a party every year.

As soon as the clock hit midnight, she would her hands on my head, pray for me then anoint my head with anointing oil. I miss those days.

I miss being a kid without responsibilities.

I miss being a daughter. I miss my mother.

I miss her hugs. And Yes, we talk over the phone but it will never be the same.

Her level of effort on my birthdays was unmatched. I don’t know how she did it but she always came through and that’s what I miss.

I look back at these last years and all the battles, some of which I’ve lost, through all my tears, I just wish she could hold my hand through it all.

In as much as I miss all these things, it is my birthday after all, and I am still grateful.

I am grateful for life. For family, for friends, for everything that I have while working on the things I want to achieve.

I am grateful because I am living in one of my prayers while God is working on the next miracle at his own time.

I am grateful for what has gone my way and for the things that didn’t go my way.

I am grateful for growth. And I hope someone throws me a surprise party. (A girl can dream right). Now don’t forget to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.