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My Trauma Response

Has anyone been through something so traumatic, it shaped your whole character??

You guessed it; we all have right. I was recently told that I do not let people talk. And that was an accurate statement.

Up until the age of 12, I grew up in a very loving environment. I was loved, I felt heard, I felt seen, every positive thing you can think of.

Then I moved to an environment, where suddenly, I was being silenced. An environment, where I was meant to be seen and not heard. An environment, where I dared not have an opinion and certainly not voice it. I was to be seen when I was needed to run an errand or do chores. I was to accept whatever doctrine that was passed down to me. I was to accept whatever profession that was chosen for me. Whatever punishment that was given to me without being able to defend myself.

And you never know how your childhood shapes you, until you are forced to face these things in whatever relationship you find yourself in, especially romantic ones.

Recently I was told, I don’t let people talk in an argument. Furthermore, that it was my tactic. And I had to pause for a moment.

I recognize that I actually don’t. However, it is not a tactic. I don’t do it intentionally.

I had been accustomed to not feeling seen and heard that now I feel the need to explain myself repeatedly because I never feel understood. Now whether or not the other person is understanding my point is irrelevant in this situation. I have put in my head that this person does not understand what I am saying and therefore I must repeat myself until I feel heard.

This attribute does however the exact opposite of what I’m intending. Regardless of how often I try to get my point across, my partner only understands criticism and I leave the impression that I’m pointing a finger at my partner’s wrongdoing when in essence it’s not my intention. But we don’t always see people’s intentions, it’s the actions that we see.

Irrespective of the situation, my instant trauma response is to either overcompensate or to shut down, both go into the extreme, there’s no between. Its not always healthy. Do I want to work on it? Yes. Do I succeed all the time? Definitely Not. But we move and keep on working on these negative traits. After all, aren’t we all a work in progress???

The first step is to recognize that these character traits exist and work on deconstructing them step by step. How, you may ask, I have no idea. when i figure it out, I promise to share.

Maybe we can talk about another trauma response of mine next time? Until then, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Single Motherhood Uncategorized

Motherhood part 2

I had a good cry last night. I don’t mean a tear was rolling down my cheeks, nah I mean bawling my eyes out. My son turned 4. A whole 48 months in this world. What can I say….my heart is heavy with memories and emotions.

Emotions I wish I could let out occasionally, but instead they stay built up because maybe there’s nobody to talk to, maybe there’s nobody who ’il understand, maybe everyone is busy, maybe I’m also just too emotional, a lot of maybes…the point is, these emotions build up over time until something happens, whether good or bad, that makes me reach this breaking point.

Single motherhood, I’m saying motherhood because I’m not a dad, I don’t know what single fathers feel,

However single motherhood can get lonely sometimes. Whether you chose it, or it chose you, at some point, especially if you’re like me and don’t have real support from family,

You will reach that breaking point more times than you may want to admit.

Some days are better and all it takes is me hiding in the toilet for a few minutes and some days are like this, where I question my entire motherhood journey and wonder if I’m even doing enough…

I mean I know its all in my head and I know I can’t do more than my best, which I believe I am, but there’s still that part of me that wants to do offer him so much more. I am also very aware that most of the things I stress about are material things, but I can’t help but stress about them

I wish I could have been able to give him a lavish birthday, now does he need it, probably not

These complexities have more to do with me than him. I wonder if people see me as a mediocre mother because I’m not financially stable and I don’t want that

I don’t want him growing up lacking anything at all….

My insecurities, complexities and struggle have a lot to do with me navigating between being a good mother, a good student, wanting to not just offer my kid a better life but also myself, (a girl’s got expensive taste ok!).

I don’t know what someone else may be struggling with but at the end we all must believe that in the end everything will work out for our good. Is it a business, is It money, are you battling with your mental health…whatever it is, I urge you not to give up. As long as you’re doing your best, everything else will eventually fall into place.

One may wonder why I do these obvious reminders…that is because no matter what someone may feel, you’re never alone

Someone else is feeling the same way or even worse and I speak from experience when I say, that sometimes hearing these reassurances said out loud by someone else goes a long way

So here you go… these reminders are for all of us.

  1. You are doing great
  2. You are not alone
  3. You should be proud of yourself for surviving all your bad days
  4. I cannot say this enough, but you are enough!
  5. Don’t forget to pray.

Now chin up and continue reading Isaiah 41:10.

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Show Up For Yourself

Isn’t the title already self-explanatory? It is but sometimes we still that reminder.

Two weeks ago, I got that harsh reminder that sometimes you will have to deal with stuff alone, voluntarily or involuntarily, it don’t matter. Something happened and my response was to reach out to someone and unfortunately, I felt the response I got was not appropriate. That led to a bit of back and forth but ultimately made me rethink my stand and remind myself that Sometimes people just won’t be there for you like that and its ok.

Your family, friends and lovers have lives and problems of their own. Sometimes people’s way of showing affection and concern also doesn’t always come across and therefore we lack the ability to understand their way of communication because its different from ours. Trust me, I know that for a fact!

We are all adults, and a lot of times other people are also trying to show up for themselves as well and some people just don’t have the capacity to be there for multiple people at once. Its already enough work trying to keep your mental health in an ok state when you’re battling your own demons.

So, when you find yourself in a position where people just aren’t being as supportive or encouraging as you would wish for them to be, you’ll have to depend on yourself.

Showing up for your own self may look different daily. Recognize what you need and give that to yourself.

You need space, then maybe drop your phone, turn it off, or my personal favorite, put it on do not disturb (DND).

You need a distraction, do something you love, get some work done, go to the gym, get out, vibe to some music, READ YOUR BIBLE, not the one on your phone hun, your paper bible (did y’all forget that still exists?). Isaiah 41:10-13 is always a good place to start, Romans 8:28, Joshua 1:9, Proverbs 3:5-6, i could go on but here are a few bible passages that may offer a word of encouragement.

You need a pep talk? Give it to yourself. Get in front of your mirror and tell yourself what you would like to hear.

Whatever it is you may need, never, ever give up on yourself because in the end, you are your best asset. Now go chin up and read Isaiah 41:10 and remember, you are never truly alone.

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6 Reminders In 2022!

Is it too late to go through some reminders for the year?? Meh I’ll tell you still…

This is what we’re doing this year:

  1. Be kind. Does this need elaboration? The answer is NO. Just be kind to people. You don’t have to know what they’re going through, hell they don’t have to be going through shit. You just be kind.
  2. Rest. Take a breather. Pretty self-explanatory as well. As a woman, a BLACK woman, we’ve long been deceived that we’re strong. You hear things like “strong black woman”. And for a long time, I thought I had to be. Baby listen, now, I am not strong. In fact, I am weak. I want to be weak. I want to be taken care of. I am delicate. I am an egg, because if you drop me, I break, so be careful with me. What am I even saying, I am a flower, don’t pluck me, just water me. Water me with love, with affection, with MONEY and all the good things in life.
  3. Welcome and embrace your growth. Being in a space of growth can be an uncomfortable place to be. For growth to take place, you have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Some people may not understand your journey and that’s ok. Growth does not mean that you won’t fall back into your old ways once in a while, but I hope we are all able to recognize it early enough, so we don’t fall into the same pattern.
  4. Stand your ground. When you believe you’re genuinely doing the right thing and not being an asshole to other people, stand your ground and do whatever it takes to keep your peace because, let me tell you, thou shall be tested. Take whatever precautions, whatever measures you think is right for you and maintain it. Don’t be shaken by people’s opinions of you, don’t be moved when people take a different stance than you, because everybody is entitled to their opinions. Besides opinions are like assholes, we all have one.
  5. Leave. Another self-explanatory point I believe.
  6. Shine. Just like Rihanna shine bright like a diamond. Don’t dim your light for other people. Work on getting rid of that imposter syndrome that you’re having. Accept the great opportunities coming your way. You’re not meant to struggle. Let that little light of yours shine and don’t worry about other people shinning at the same time because the same way the stars all shine together in the sky, is the same way we all can shine at the same time. The world is big enough to accommodate all of us. Just find your purpose and shine.

Now you guys know the drill, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Let’s Talk: Friendship!

Is it too late to wish you guys a happy new year? Hahaha……AAAAAHHHH Happy New Year my lovelies. It’s been a hot minute. I hope all of you have been chinning up and if you haven’t baby I am back and I’ve got you because we gon chin up together.

Listen, ive been thinking about something that I wanted to focus on and invest in more this year……which are my friendships.

And let me tell you, the only constant thing in life is change. Repeat after me CHANGE.

Like everyone else, once the new year ended you get into this rubbish reminiscing mode, and you write down your goals blabla… Tbh I have zero goals for this year. I am just winging it. I have certain things I want to have at least set in motion but that’s it.

However, one thing that was really on my mind is my friendships and the people I choose to share my time and energy with.

It all started when I was thinking about few of my schoolmates, who have unfortunately passed. And it was a wake-up call that life is too short and we should all be investing in friendships and people that equally invest in us.

Friendship breakups are real, they are uncomfortable and scary, but the truth is, some people just gotta go for better people to come. And if I didn’t know it then, I know it now…. friendship dynamics will change. And you will have to decide if some friendships are worth saving or if its time to let go.

That is one of the most difficult decisions we all will have to make in life unfortunately, to hold on or to let go. It don’t matter if its family, friendships, romantic relationships, career…the decision between holding on and letting go is inevitable.

Furthermore listen, please not everyone is your friend. Not everyone deserves to be your friend. Let’s learn to address people correctly. They may be your colleague, your old friend, your acquaintance, your subordinates, your fellow student….

And even amongst friendships, there are friends and there are FRIENDS. Some are only good for restaurants and party, some are good for banter, some you speak to every few months and it’s like you guys have always been in touch.

With some friends you share the process and with some you only tell them the end game and vice versa. Listen lets all know our places in people’s lives and act accordingly.

I was recently disappointed by a few friends because I felt like hey I should have known but I’m also working on acting according to how my so called friends treat me. Maybe I just wasn’t that important, and they didn’t think to share certain information with me, as disappointing as it may seem, that showed me that we may just may not be as close as I thought and that is okay. Don’t overdo it.

If they don’t invite you, don’t go and do not ask to be invited. If they don’t tell you, don’t ask. They don’t include you, go do your thing. Learn to be ok with not being invited, included, or even considered.

People invest in relationships that are important to them. And rejection isn’t even as personal as it seems. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be, maybe you weren’t their person, or they weren’t your person. Invest your energy in those that are also effortlessly investing in you, but without feeling entitled to anybody’s energy or time or whatever. People have freedom of choice, the same way you do.

Now you already know the drill, Chin up and read Isiah 41:10.

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Generation Fuck’d up

I woke up this morning thinking of how messed up and selfish this generation of ours is, myself included.

I shared these few points on my Instagram story, but I thought I’d share it here as well.

So here we go, Welcome to Generation Fuck’d up

Welcome to a generation, where showing affection and actual feelings is considered weak.

Welcome to a generation, where going out of your way to show up for your S/O is considered simping.

Welcome to a generation, where men need DNA tests for their kids and women need to somehow make peace with the fact that almost every man will cheat because nobody wants to be faithful.

Welcome to a generation, where everyone wants to feel love, but nobody can actually bring themselves to say words “I Love You” because it doesn’t come easy to us.

Welcome to a generation where words and actions don’t align.

Welcome to a generation where everyone wants romance, but nobody wants to be romantic (first).

Welcome to a generation, where a single dad is considered hardworking but a single mum? How dare she not have known better.

Welcome to a generation, where everyone believes they don’t owe anyone anything.

Welcome to a generation, where explaining yourself to your S/O is now seen as being controlled.

Welcome to a generation, where nobody wants to work or fight for anything because we believe in toxic mental health awareness.

Welcome to a generation, where in theory men are allowed to be vulnerable but once they do, we chastise them for it.

Welcome to a generation where we all want to take but we don’t want to give.

And finally, Welcome to a generation, where most of us are all fuck’d up and selfish.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk, continue reading Isaiah 41:10.

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Mid-Night Confessions

Its 3:25am and I cannot sleep. I haven’t been in this mood where I cry myself to sleep in a long time. I think I need a hug.

I randomly came across the song “Like my father” by Jax and the lyrics just resonate with me in so many ways. But that isn’t what made me emotional. Its just the song that finally made me bawl my eyes out.

The lyrics goes as follows:

I wanna come home to roses and dirty little notes on post-its

And when my hair starts turning grey, he’ll say I’m like a fine wine better with age

I guess I learnt it from my parents, that true love starts with friendship

A kiss on the forehead

A date night

Fake an apology after a fight

I need a man who’s patient and kind

Gets out of the car and holds the door

I wanna slow dance in the living room like we’re 18 at senior prom

And grow old with someone who makes me feel young

I need a man who loves me like, my father loves my mum.

I, unfortunately, didn’t have parents who loved each other. Or better say I never witnessed my dad love my mum, so I don’t know what that would have looked like.

Moving with my father and his wife, there was no love either, so I guess its safe to say that the bar was…. Is really low.

As a young black or African girl child, you’re taught to behave a certain way, you learn to cook by a certain age, or at least you should. You should dress modestly. Go to church. You hear stuff like “is this how you will behave in your husband’s house”. An African girl child is groomed to be a wife to a man from a very young age but who teaches these boys, who eventually turn to be the men we marry, how to love.

A girl child is groomed to be nurturing, loving, submissive. Accept whatever BS the man brings to her because well, boys will be boys.

However, why aren’t these men raised to be the men that we eventually need.

A lot of boys don’t get taught that sometimes you should buy flowers. Sometimes just a “hey babe I saw these and I thought of you” goes a really long way. Why are boys not taught that well “girls will be girls” too.

Who teaches these men that a man actually taking care of his household, not just by providing, is not him “helping”

Who teaches these men that being romantic and affectionate towards your girlfriend/fiancé/wife isn’t being a bum or a simp but taking care of your woman, which is in fact your duty, just as it is hers to do same?

Why is the boy child not allowed to vulnerable without phrases like “boys don’t cry” or “man up”- this is why we have a bunch of damaged little boys in grown men bodies who don’t know how to be vulnerable and categorize women as “emotional being” because we demand men with emotional maturity.

So many men looking for “strong” women because their definition of strength is their mother who was a miserable single married woman for her entire adulthood.

Girls are taught to love but never taught about the signs to watch out for, for when you need to stop loving. When is it the right time to stop loving a man or better still when is it the right time to stop trying and just let the man go?

Boys, however, aren’t even taught to start loving. At least most do not…..

I drifted there……

The song also made me feel lonely. I do want to come back home to roses. To little surprises and little meaningful gifts that my man bought for me because he paid attention. I do want to slow dance like I’m 18 at senior prom and grow old with a man who loves me with all his being.

However, right now, in this very moment, I just wish I could pick my phone and hear my father tell me that this is just a moment, and it will pass. Even if it didn’t work out with my mother, I’m wondering why he couldn’t love me. Why did I not get the privilege of idolizing my father because he set my bar so high. Why did I not get a kiss on the forehead? Why was he not patient and kind with me?

Why did he not teach me what it means to be loved by a man? Am I that unlovable that even my own father couldn’t be around me?

How can another man love me correctly when my own father couldn’t …..

Its 4:09am and I think I’m drifting again. Does this post even make sense….

This is the first time in a long time that I feel lonely…so cheers to that

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Confessions Of A Hopeless Romantic

I woke up this morning thinking about love and partnership. How simple and beautiful it is when done with the right person who shares similar values with you. Someone who realizes that love language is of utmost importance and is willing to put in the effort. Even when and if they don’t get it right all the time, but at least they are trying. It’s the thought that counts right?

How is it that love is such a simple thing yet most of us find it so difficult to express? How is it that all of us crave pure love yet we don’t act right when given the chance to be with a genuine person? I wonder what makes it so difficult to maintain a healthy romantic relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not lonely, however I do crave love in its purest form.

A love where we both make sacrifices for each other.

A love where we both understand each other’s love language.

A love where we both act right.

A love where we both feel seen, heard, and loved. I say feel because just because you love someone doesn’t mean they feel loved by you.

A love where we both communicate honestly.

A love where we’re both intentional about each other.

A love where we’re both happy individually and together.

A love where we both honor and respect each other’s boundaries.

A love where our words and actions align.

A love where we’re both sure about each other.

A love where we both prioritize each other.

A love that’s not selfish.

A love that compromises healthily.

A love where we both feel safe.

A love where we don’t have to second guess ourselves.

A love not tainted by any of us in the relationship.

A love where God is in our midst.

Besides everything we see on social media and in the movies, I just crave a healthy love where our foundation is solid. A love that’s healthy on the inside and not just focused on looking good externally.

If you happen to have found your soulmate, please direct the rest, they sell them on amazon?

Until we all meet our better halves, we chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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It’s ok to expect certain things from certain people.

“Nobody owes to anything”- I call BS on that. This useless mentality that you don’t owe nobody anything destroys a lot of good things.

Bare in my mind, this is just my opinion so if you do not agree, well opinions are like assholes, we all have them.

I believe that certain decisions come with baggage that you just must fulfill. Yes, to some extent, we all don’t owe anybody anything but how tragic would life be if we all lived by this mentality.

It is ok to expect certain things from certain people. The keyword here is “certain things from certain people”, please not from everybody because some people constantly disappoint. I call them career disappointers. Plus, there are certain things you just can’t expect from e.g. strangers or people who aren’t really close to you.

If someone decides its time for them to settle down, get married or whatever, your partner is allowed to expect things from you and you my friend should be able to deliver at least the basic things. Like loyalty/faithfulness, trust, commitment, communication etc. These are certain things that automatically come with the decision of wanting to settle down with one person and have a committed relationship.

If someone decides to keep a child and raise, you as a parent owe that child everything it needs to grow until the child gets to a certain age where he/she can fend for themselves. Its doesn’t always go without saying that things are going to be easy but the least you can do is try and do your best.

You owe any kind of relationship, that’s important to you, nurturing. You owe it to your friends to be there for them. Your friends should expect you to be there for them because if that relationship is not serving its purpose, then what’s the point?

Every relationship is a give and take. In a fair world, what you put in, is what you get out.

However, know the people you are expecting things from. I have certain that I’ve stopped calling when I need something urgently. Yes, I get disappointed when I feel the need to talk or share something heavy and I call and they don’t pick (especially because these are people who always have their phones in their hands and always like stuff on Instagram in 0.2 seconds but whenever I call, they coincidentally never pick) and that’s ok, at least I have learnt to shift my expectations to somewhere else. I know exactly who I can call when I need something in 0.2 seconds.

Yes, it is true, you get disappointed when you expect things from people. And its ok for people to disappoint. We are human beings after all. Sometimes we need time to ourselves but when they constantly disappoint you in a certain department then maybe its time to shift focus or address the issue, if it hasn’t been addressed before?

Point is, a healthy amount of expectation is ok to have in any form of relationship. Just don’t expect (too much) from the wrong people. Now, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Sunday confessions: Somebody’s son has found me

I woke up this morning, happy. The birds chirping. The morning feeling of soft, cool breeze as I step outside.

My boyfriend had made breakfast, pancakes, eggs and some orange juice. It was peaceful. I hadn’t felt this level of peace in a long time.

He ran me a bath, left me cute little notes around the house so I could find during the day (it was a tough week) and went about his day.

As I take my bath, I am completely amazed at how well this man treats me. He listens to me, he encourages me, he supports me, he has no problems providing and protecting, he’s romantic, he’s thoughtful.

He doesn’t pressurize me into things I don’t want to do. He prays for me, he prays with me, he loves me, he’s a good man but above all, he’s a godly man.

I never thought a day like this would come, when a man would love me unconditionally for who I am. A man with whom I could let lose, a man who understands me. My guard was down. I had no problems being submissive to this man. A man who brought me nothing but peace of mind. A man I trusted.

I finished taking my bath and decided to make him food. I made his favorite meal. Shopped for his favorite beverages and snacks. I wanted to spoil him just as he thought of spoiling me that morning.

I set the table and my phone rings……

Lo and behold it’s my alarm. It was all a dream. Disappointed, I get out of bed and play somebody’s son by Tiwa savage as I proceed to sing “somebody son go find me one day” at the top of my voice while I chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.