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Reminder: Stop comparing your journey….

Last week, I was given a reminder that I wasn’t as far in life as my mates. Now I felt sorry for myself for a hot minute. I mean they were right. My mates are having master’s and phd degrees while I’m still struggling with common bachelors….. My mates are opening businesses, earning 5 figures and here I am not being focused on what’s important.

At this point let me reiterate how important it is that you know yourself and believe in your journey because if you don’t, you give people the power to speak about you. To speak about a journey they know nothing about because they haven’t walked a day in your shoes.

I will admit that this is something I struggle with. This is something I’ve always struggled with and in the midst of me having allowed someone else’s baseless words to penetrate my thoughts, i began to compare myself to others.

I shared my feelings with a very close friend of mine and she gave me some pretty reminders, she said to me:

“Will you stop that right now. I can’t remember them birthing babies, raising them, getting out of a difficult relationship, no backing from parents whatsoever. Building life afresh with a child with all its hurdles. Exactly I see no room for comparison here”

And yes at first I was shocked that my friend could speak so much sense 😂

But it flipped the script for me because I needed that reminder. Yes I may have not gotten my first degree yet, yes in society’s eyes I may be delayed but I got reminded that I am still here. At some point broken, but I am still here. And I’m not backing down. I got reminded that I was resilience. That indeed I hold my own weight alone, nobody was holding my hand. Nobody was patting me on the shoulder.

This is my reminder to you that none of us have walked a day in your shoes so our opinion of you doesn’t matter. I urge you to block out anything that makes you feel less than what you’re actually worth. Don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s because we’re all on this earth to fulfill different purposes. Stand firm in your decisions and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for choosing what you think is right.

I could write a book about having and dealing with low self esteem because everyone else’s life looks so brilliant on the outside. Everyone around you seems like they are doing big things in their respective career paths. Everyone is getting married and having babies. Friends are starting businesses and making money and yet there you are, still at the same spot. If anything, it seems like you’ve taken steps back. I deal with these feelings everyday. But don’t let it fool you. I believe everything is turn by turn and it comes in seasons so stand firm on your ground and your prayers because your season will surely come. This week I stood firm on Habakuk 2:3. Make sure you read it and don’t forget, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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A bad week….

I haven’t cried in a long time. Lately I just sit there staring at the wall in numbness. You know how the saying goes, if you don’t make out time to rest, your body will do that for you and it won’t be pretty…yeah that’s what’s been happening to me the last 9 days. They haven’t been pretty.. I’ve had like 3 good cries on different days 😂

I was so exhausted last week. Doing everything by myself literally kicked my ass. And it wasn’t nothing major…I had to fix my internet and somehow lost my ability to understand basic German and I just wasn’t getting it. Nothing was. One thing and I just felt like damn I shouldn’t be doing this… shouldn’t a man be doing this for me?

It wasn’t better the next day, why am I carrying crates of water… why do I have to take out the bin. And why the hell do I have to figure out how to adjust this bike so my child can ride it….. or does he just need a new one but wait shouldn’t a man be doing this for me again 😂

I kid you not, I cried for that. It’s the fatigue, exhaustion, fear, anxiety…. Everything just came crashing. But in the midst of that I had a bit of encouragement…

I had a meeting at my son’s school and they gave me an update on how he’s been doing. He’s doing great. He’s a good kid and that is thanks to me and all the overtime I put on a daily basis…..it was a great reminder that despite everything that is seemingly going wrong, I am doing something right. And I have great friends that remind me of that when I feel this way. A friend reminded me that I do so much on a daily basis that it’s ok to feel the way I’m feeling. And I myself I forget.

My job on a daily basis goes unnoticed every time. My sleepless nights. My marathons to pick up my son after work. Putting my mental health aside at all times to put my child first. The money I keep spending on the same little human mostly. Worrying about how my child is doing in kindergarten. Worrying about his social and emotional skills. Worrying about if he’s keeping up with his age mates considering he had a very difficult start in life. Worrying about all these things and still Somehow having the head to push through my own personal stuff….. I never have time to do what I want to do or just to relax……..

Let me remind you today that you’re doing great, as long as you’re doing your best. Your best isn’t always going to be 100 everyday. On some days it’s going to be 80% on others it may be 40% but as long as you’re giving it 100 on that day, no matter what that looks like, you’re doing great. As long as you’re showing up every single day. It’s ok to have a bad day, a bad week, a bad moment but don’t ever forget why you started. And if you don’t like the journey then change direction. Not everyone I’d going to be there or understand your bad moments and that’s ok. But know yourself, that’s worth much more. And no matter what you do, make sure to breathe and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Another repetitive day…..

A few weeks or months ago my so called co parent mentioned that he had moved back to the UK for his mental health. The luxury of being able to put your mental health above your son…..unfortunately when one parent bails the other has to step up. Fortunately or unfortunately I’m the one who had to step up. Evidently my mental health is a secondary concern.

I got reminded of that statement today because it would seem my mental health is on the verge of a collapse but unfortunately for me I don’t get the luxury of putting my mental health first so I dit here and write this hoping to feel better at the end, which is less likely to happen because this hamster wheel needs to keep spinning and I’m the hamster doing all the laps.

Now why did I remember this mental health statement today,……my son said good morning today and immediately proceeded to ask me when his father would pick him because his father keeps giving him false hopes that they would see soon…… soon being 3-4 months (atleast that’s what he claims)

Who gets to explain that, his father is in fact not coming to pick him up. I have to come up with excuses all day because I cannot say what’s on my mind which is your deadbeat dad don’t even wanna come pick you up. He lying. He ready to put your safety at risk for a few hundred pounds…..

It is exhausting trying to protect a child from information that will hurt his feelings.

Today I bought these very unnecessary overpriced sand toys because well it’s summer, there’s pools and playgrounds so these toys are a necessity, atleast for a 5 year old…does he care that I had just come from work and had been up since sunrise, no he doesn’t and quite frankly he doesn’t have to. I could have used my money to buy myself some breakfast for work the next day, no he doesn’t…..

He broke one of the Tonies that he had borrowed from the library, I had to pay for it.

I have exactly 30 minutes to pick him up from kindergarten after work and if I miss either my train or my bus, I run a sprint and I mean that literally

I could go on and on about how repetitive yet exhausting my day is and every night I sit with my though and wonder if I’m a good mother while he just moved for his mental health without considering how it would affect his child. I wish I had such luxury but here I am reminding myself of John 13:7, Jeremiah 29:11 and of course my go to, Isaiah 41:10 because if it wasn’t for certain bible verses….. only God knows………

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Fears

I’m scared of the future

I’m scared to fail

I’m scared of not living up to my full potential

I’m scared I’m never going to find a man to accept me and my son FULLY

I’m scared of traumatizing my son

I’m scared of being broke forever 😂😂 (this is a serious fear)

I’m scared of my mum dying before i can take care of her financially

I’m scared of disappointing my mum. But I already have

I’m scared of losing myself while being a mum

I’m scared of my intrusive thoughts

I’m scared those intrusive thoughts might just win one day

I’m scared I’ll settle in my career

I’m scared I’ll never graduate

I’m scared I’ll turn into those “bitter” mothers because I chose a deadbeat to father my child

I’m scared of not being enough. Not doing enough. But I already do so much, or do I not?

I’m scared of running out of time.

I am tired.

My heart is palpitating.

I’m having an anxiety attack but damn will I wake up at 5:30am having to face the world alone. Full of fear. Fatigue. Exhaustion. Yet fully functional.

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Quick PSA

This will be short and sweet. That boy that you gave birth to, no matter his age, is not the love of your life.

He is your child. It Dont matter the sacrifices that you made. It Dont matter the sleepless nights. It don’t matter what you did to keep yourself afloat, that boy is not your man.

Stop raising these boys in hopes that he’ll reward you in some kind of way. You’re raising someone else’s husband. If you’re pissed his daddy left you and you had to make sacrifices to get to where y’all are, well newsflash that boy gon leave you too.

It’s his birthright. Having a life of his own is his birthright. He will leave your house, he will meet someone else or not… but he will leave you to build a life on his own.

I hope our generation has more loving mother in laws,less judgmental mother in laws. Because most of these women be monster in laws. Hypocrites. Your son is not your man. Dont try influence his decisions then be mad when he does what he chooses to do.

These mothers be raising these men to do things they hoped their ex partners would do for them and that’s great but he will be doing these things for someone else. Of course your child is allowed to take care of you when he chooses to but still remember your place. You rarely hear stories of bitter father in-laws but my gender is just special.

One more time your son ain’t your man. He ain’t the love of your life. Go download tinder if you have to.

Let’s not forget the sisters who are also on this table. Y’all are weird… mind your business and let another woman enjoy her relationship ship in peace.

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A trip down memory lane

I went back home briefly over the weekend. Lol can I even call it home

I want back to the city I used to live in with my family. Usually when I go back, it’s to either drop my kid or see my sister and for both reasons, I’m always either in and out within hours and my sister lives outside the city so I take a different route. This time however, this time I walked down the road I used to take to get to school and I didn’t think it would affect me this much.

All I could about was the transition from being a child growing up with a loving family to coming tonGermany living in hostile, unloving environment and having to quickly grow up.

When did it get so bad that school became an escape. Leaving the house was all I could think about. I would leave the house early but take the longer route to get home. How hostile it must have been that we all wanted to be anywhere but home…

I was promised a better education no doubt. But I was also promised love and care. I was promised protection. I was a child. I should have been loved and protected. He should have made sure of that but instead here we are.

Looking back I used to wonder what I did wrong. What was wrong with me. Why couldn’t he just love me. Sometimes I still think there must be something wrong with me. I must be doing something wrong because why won’t my parent love me. Why was it so easy for him to not speak to me for over 5 years.

In as much as I don’t believe it’s my duty to repair this relationship, I am aware that it is paramount that we speak. It is paramount because my inner child needs healing to be able to flourish fully. It is paramount because I know that deep down, that is where my fear of rejection lies. Above all it is paramount because I need my dad. My inner child needs her father to sometimes calm her raging mind. My inner child needs her father to sometimes remind her that he’s proud. My inner child needs her father to give her some encouragement from time to time. My inner child needs parental reassurance, a hug or just to know that everything’s going to be ok.

No matter how accustomed I am to living life without him, my adult self also needs her father. Let’s all chin up and read Isaiah 41:10

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One thing I’m too old for….

Is there anything you feel too old to do anymore?

I feel too old to repeat myself to another grown adult. Unfortunately I’m that type of person to give people, especially romantic partners, chance after chance because you’re holding on to that little bit of hope.

However I feel so drained after repeating myself. You definitely heard me the first time. You heard me the second time. Although I know that my selfworth isn’t tied to my friends or my partner, I sometimes wonder if I’m just not good enough. It’s something I’ve battled with for a long time now because I ask myself why can’t they hear me, why can’t they see me. What can I do differently for them to consider my feelings but in reality a lot of times it is the opposite actually. They aren’t good enough for me. They aren’t special, it’s my love for them that makes them appear more special in my eyes.

In reality people battle demons that has nothing to do with you. People need their ego stroked, men especially. But you know what I am not God and my mercies don’t endured forever.

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A day in the life of….

A day in the life of who even? A single parent? A student? An aspiring social worker? Lol at this point I’m confused. I am all of the above and more.

Just trying to refill my ability to repeat myself some more
Operation take more pictures going ok I guess…….

An Input I got a lot, was to talk about my daily life a bit more… well there’s nothing interesting there tbh. My schedule is as follows

5:30 a.m: my alarm rings. But I don’t wake up until 6 lmao, please I can’t come and kill myself. We get ready and that consists of mainly me repeating myself and trying not to lose my shit at 6am in the morning.

I drop off the center of my universe at school and head to work. I work with kids. I know, somebody pinch me. I leave mine to go work with more. My day also mainly consists of me repeating myself and trying not to lose my shit the whole day because let’s face it, getting on your nerves is what these midgets do best.

I pick up the center of my universe at 4pm, you would think my day ends there, nope it doesn’t. It’s time for entertainment. That means spending some quality time. Either we chill outside some more because he has eaten, slept and gotten a snack at school, so of course he is energized, or we bake because somehow he has decided that baking is his new thing now. Whichever option he feels like doing, nothing is beneficial to me because who cares about me anyways as long as baby boy is living his best life.

We get home mostly around 6pm. The center of my universe has to eat, shower and prepare for bed. We pray then it’s probably around 8. I tuck him in. He doesn’t fall asleep immediately, he comes knocking at my door too many times because he can’t sleep since he napped in the afternoon. On some days I can’t be bothered and he succeeds in sleeping in my room, on other days like today, i don’t give two shits because why did I spend so much money furnishing your room my guy, you better go there and enjoy yourself.

Now where do I come into the picture, you may ask? Right now. It is currently 8:55pm. It is quiet. I haven’t eaten but I will. I’ve spent too much time on this couch rethinking and reconsidering all my life choices. I’ve journaled a little bit. I’m just going over my day in my head.

Work was hectic and on days like this, where I feel really exhausted, I cannot help but feel sorry for myself and focus on all the things that could have been had I done this or that differently. Yeah I know I’m just being ungrateful while also being human. I am so tired. I am struggling to believe in that Isaiah 41 I always tell people to read. But I’m gonna read it anyways. So yeah this is mainly what my day looks like. Ooh and I didn’t mention school because well I’m almost at the end and ain’t much to do there at the moment. I’m gonna find something to eat, shower and sleep because the cycle restarts tomorrow. Good night my lovelies.

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New Year, Redefined Me

Hi lovelies, is it too late to wish you happy new year? I suppose it is but I’ll do it anyways, Happy New Years my darlings, it’s been a hot minute hasn’t it. I hope all of you are well, I’ve been through a series of emotions, seasonal depression, sadness, numbness but also gratitude. A whole lot of things to be thankful for. Looking back at last year, I can boldly say it’s the first year in a long time that I was able to accomplish some goals that I had set out for at the beginning of the year. But you know how it goes with us humans, we’re ingrates. Something you’ve been praying for happens and instead of taking a few moments to soak it in, it’s on to the next forgetting that you’re always living in one of your prayer points.

Can we deep that for a second, you are literally always living in one of your prayer points, wether it be a roof over your head, food on your table, clothes on your back and a lot more specific prayers, you are always living in one of your prayer points.

Will it sound unambitious if I said that I have no set goals this year? At least not in the way that you may think. Yes I want to progress in life and have all the good stuff life has to offer career wise but this year I choose to focus on my personal life. I choose to focus on some of my character traits that need working on and trust me there’s a few. I’m not gonna start naming them here but it became very clear to me when I was speaking to a friend and a few days later I realized I had over shared. It wouldn’t have been a bad thing few years ago but I just realized that this particular friend just didn’t share as much with me anymore as they used to. They didn’t invite me to something that was a milestone in their life. It showed me that I had to stay in my lane and realize that a lot of my friendship dynamics had changed and it was ok. Friends don’t stay close forever. It showed me that I don’t have to overplay my role in people’s lives.

New focus unlocked: Take more pictures

Btw I made a story on my instagram asking “my followers” to give me some ideas on what to write about because let’s face it writers block is real (LOL am I even a writer!?) Trust and believe that post went right past every one, I kid you not, everyone you would think would jump on a train to support me. But even that is ok. I will not expect anything anymore and I say that in the most kindest and with most love in my heart.

If you do not support me the way that I support you or the way that I have supported you that is ok. I am learning to not feel entitled to my “friends” time, support, Information, life update….. whatever it is, name it. People can only share what they feel comfortable sharing. And with this said friend that I mentioned earlier I’ve also noticed that things we would normally freely talk about, now all of a sudden they are not comfortable sharing or whatever it is. And that is ok.

Notice how I’m saying a lot of that is ok, that’s because really and truly in life, the harsh truth is that you have no choice than to learn to be ok with how things turn out. Especially when you have no control over them. It is ok. It will be ok. You have to make sure you are always ok enough to function and go about your life. Put your life on do not disturb, just like I put my iPhone on DND all the time. Call back when need be, text back when need be. Reach out to important people in your life. Anything that’s not worth it shouldn’t and will not have my and your attention.

Lol I said I wouldn’t name what I’m working on and here I am still writing some down…..

Above all, I’m learning to stay calm. Control my emotions. Focus on what I can control while still telling some humans to fuck off, respectfully of course. Focus on me and my personal growth.

I think I digressed a little bit but as the year goes we’ll talk more and more about the things I shall be working on. We may touch on subjects that I consciously avoided writing about last year for various reasons. Although it’s a new year, the motto stays the same, Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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I Am (Not) Strong

I am very certain that people who commit suicide don’t unalive themselves because they don’t want to live. Staying alive, however, is pretty tough when the tunnel seems to be very dark, with no sign of any light at the end of it.

Nobody really talks about how difficult it is to stay running this marathon called life, because life surely ain’t no 100m sprint, it’s a marathon. A never ending one at that. You have to keep running until you take your last breath.

We glamorize the destination, and a lot of times minimize and dismiss the courage it takes to stay in the race.

Phrases like “you re so strong” or “you’re not alone”… I mean yes, I get it. But how do you explain to someone that its going to get better when everything is looking dark and there seems to be no way out.

I am not alone yet whenever I find myself in a dark cloud, I am always alone. Try reaching my generation through a phone call (myself included), its most likely not going to happen.

How do you explain to me that I am not a burden to you when each time I express myself, you dismiss me. You minimize my feelings and in the end, I regret ever wanting to open up to you in the first place.

“You are so strong” Bullshit. I am definitely not strong. I don’t even want to be at this point.

Am I strong or am I just holding on because I have child. The same child who drains me, is the same reason why I haven’t let go all these years.

I am not strong. I don’t want to be.

I have broken down way too many times than I can count just in the space of one week yet no avenue to let it out because the same people who assure you, they’re there for you are the same people who desert you when the going gets tough, suddenly you find out you are the only tough one who keeps going.

No, I am not strong, and I really do not want to be. At this point.  

I had a major meltdown. Sweaty palm, shaky hands, heart beating fast. BP rising, shaky legs, couldn’t stay still, just pacing around my apartment. Almost the whole night.

When all the tears had dried up and I finally summoned the courage to look at my reflection in the mirror, I asked myself, is it worth it. I mean being alive is becoming quite expensive.

No. I am not strong. And I really do not want to be. At this point.

I am a delicate flower and I want to be treated like an egg. An egg that can break at any point so please be gentle with me.

I am expected to wake up in less than 6 hours, put a smile on my face and function. And of course, I will function because that is what it takes to stay running this race. I will function because I cannot afford to not function.

I would tell you to read Isaiah 41:10 but I haven’t read it in a while. Maybe I should, and so should you.