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Loving from Wounds: A Journey of Self-Recognition

I wish I could say I loved you well, that I stood tall, steady and whole. But the truth is, I loved you from wounds. Wounds that you instilled. I loved you from fears that whispered louder than trust.

I lashed out when I should have listened, held on when I should have let go. I let my worth be measured in your hands, by your actions, as if your love could define my own.

I stayed, not because you deserved me but because I didn’t think I deserved more – until you spelled it out for me. Do you remember your words? “you deserve better” you said… I mistook your presence for devotion, attention for something more.

And when you showed me repeatedly that I was an alternative, not a choice, I swallowed the truth like a bitter pill, because leaving felt like losing myself. Leaving felt like the funeral of what could have been. Leaving felt like mourning your loss even when you were… are still very much alive. This was going to be a burial. A burial I was not ready to attend. A funeral I never thought would happen.

But maybe the real loss was staying, becoming a stranger in my own skin. Not recognizing the reflection of self. Not liking the reactions I was giving. Not liking the mean words I was uttering. Not liking the way I was showing up.

I wish I could say that I loved you well. I wish I stood tall, steady, and whole. But the truth is, each time I wasn’t considered, I saw it as a chance. I took that as an opportunity to prove my worth to you.

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Self-Love: Beyond Gentle Whispers and Painful Truths

They say self-love is soft, kind, a gentle whisper, a peaceful mind.

But no one speaks of how it burns, how love for self means love that turns –

Turns from hands we once held tightly, turns from voices that once felt warm at night, turns from the easy lies- the ones that beg me to compromise –

Turns from half love, offered like a gift, turns from hands that take but never give.

Self love pulls me from familiar pain, from doors I swore I’d never have to turn my back on. It pulls me from love that bends me at my feet, from words that cut but sound so sweet.

Self love makes me leave the quiet pain, the weight of staying for their sake. From the smiles that mask what’s left unsaid. From nights I cried myself to sleep.

Self love is indeed not just soft, kind, a gentle reminder, a peaceful mind. It is not just light and grace. For I acknowledge that I hold so much hurt in my heart because many times I did not love myself enough to walk away.

Self love is standing firm, it is making space. It is knowing when to turn your back, when to close the door, when to walk alone, when to leave, when to heal and when to build that home by yourself.

Although difficult at times, many times in fact, it is something we all need to master to be able to give love to others, without it consuming us.

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Across the Table

After so many years, My father and I met.

We sat, not as father and child but as strangers with history.

There were no flood of tears, just open wounds and silence thick as the afternoon.

I spoke about my experience in his house, with his wife, with him.

He heard the words that were coming out of my mouth but he was not listening. He spoke in circles, turned the past into something gentle, something half. Like it didn’t happen.

He twisted truths with practised ease, like a man who needed to convince himself that it wasn’t as bad as I was saying.

And I let him. I let it slide. For the first time, I noticed the weight he’s been trying to hide. Noticed the regrets that had been weighing heavily on his heart. He carries it all with so much pride.

He had missed his children. He had missed my presence. He had missed milestones in our lives. He had lost the privilege of being a father to us. A Guide. A shield. An emotional support. He had lost the privilege of being a father to his children.

There was no anger left in me, no need to fight. Just pity curling in the light.

For all we were, all we lost,

The love he gambled, the years it cost all of us

There was not going to be closure from that conversation. That’s what I hoped for. And yet I let it slide because what I did not realise,

Not only had he not been a father to us but he also was not able to be a grandfather to his first and only grandchild. The years without us, were his punishment. And punished, he had been enough.

It was so much space between us, so we tried to bridge it by sitting across the table, not as strangers with history,

But as Father and child, moving forward.

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To have loved and lost

Love, in every sense of it, is the most beautiful thing you can ever have. It’s the greatest gift you can ever give. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Or so they say…

I too have loved and lost. I loved him like the moon loves the tide. He came into my life and showed me the light. A light too bright to keep.

Showed me love. A love too wild, too vast, too deep. Took walks with me. Walks that filled my soul with peace.

Peace is what he brought. A warmth I hadn’t felt in a long time. His laughter, a melody where my heart belongs. But as bright as the sun as he was,

Some things shine then slip away. Not meant to be held, but meant to stay – As memories. A love once ours, now to let go.

So I teach my heart what it never knew – How to wake each day unlearning to love him.

Teach my heart how to hear his name and not turn my head.

Teach my heart to sleep on my side, while his side of the bed remains empty.

Teach my heart to rewrite the stories where we used to be, until my love for him is a whisper that is no longer in me.

It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. Or so they say…

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Life Lately

Has it been a while? Yes it has. Hope you have been good? I have been navigating adulthood and motherhood. Two toughest hoods that have ever existed in the history of hoods….you know the usual

I recently had to turn down a good job offer. This job would have allowed me to break into a different career path. It equally would have been more money. The conditions surrounding the job weren’t what would have been best for my child. It was weekends, it was long hours, guaranteed overtime…..

I was really bummed out about it. I was desperate to break into a different career field. I ended up taking a different job. Same field, a little bit more hours….. although I was grateful for what I had, I felt very sad cause deep down I wanted the other opportunity to work out. However being a mum I guess there’s some sacrifices I still need to make if I want to stay being a present parent.

Friends have been great, the encouraging messages have been amazing. P.s. get you some friends who understand you even when you’re silent because they understand.

I didn’t necessarily feel sad cause I couldn’t take the job but it was the fact that it showed me that I was so far away from “freedom”, although I was closer to my dreams, it still felt so far away because these are the sacrifices I still had to make. Being the sole, present parent, there was no way I could take up a Job working 8am to 6pm, including weekends, without missing out on a lot about my child. I suppose I really cannot have it all. At least not at the moment.

It made me reflect on my motherhood experience and my fears surrounding my life and goals but that’s a different story entirely.

But in all things I try to remain still, which doesn’t always work out…. Funny enough a friend of mine recently asked me if I don’t break down….Baby I cry in my pillow when things get too tough for me to handle but you know I cry in bulk cause as an adult and a single mother I can’t afford to cry everyday so some of my crying gets bookmarked and when enough reasons have been collected then I cry in bulk.

Until a better opportunity arises for me and perhaps for you, I suggest reading psalm 46:10, remaining still and knowing that a better opportunity will definitely come. And by the way, please don’t ever let people who haven’t walked a day in your shoes, don’t let their opinions affect you because I catch myself doing that and trust me, it is not what you need in life.

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Single Motherhood

Single mum chronicles

Today I looked at myself in the mirror and saw how tired and lifeless I looked. The day was long. The stress is immense at the moment. Simultaneously working on many things, as per usual.

And then a little voice whispered into my ear that I was not the fun parent. Well his exact words were that he has more fun at his dads than he has at home.

Was this expected, actually yes. It’s normal. Was I still hurt by it, definitely.

In the moment I brushed it off because what does a 5 year old understand about words having an impact. He just thinks about his cousins and the fact that he’s allowed to watch his tablet all day, everyday, which he’s not allowed at home. He remembers legoland. The trips are always fun.

I’ve always known that I’m the boring parent. I’m the parent who interrupts his sleep in the morning for school so I’m able to work and afford the bills.

I’m the parent who takes him to the pediatrician and knows his doctors by name.

I’m the parent who shows up at school meetings. I’m the parent his teachers know by name and I know theirs.

I’m the parent whose phone rings when he’s sick and needs to leave work early to pick him up.

I’m the parent who eventually calls in sick at work for the next few days because who else will do it?

I’m the parent who forgot to follow up with work because his lungs sounded tight for 3 days in a row.

I’m the parent who doesn’t get to sleep because I need to make sure he’s breathing in the night.

I’m the parent who doesn’t get to enjoy the whole bed because somehow my bed is more comfortable than his and he has to sleep right next to me.

I’m the parent who says no pretty often. No to sweets. No to new toys. No to screen time during the week.

I’m the parent who sits down on Saturdays and teaches him how to read. It’s not always fun having to sit down and not face a screen.

I’m the parent who encourages him to pick up a book instead of a tablet.

I’m the parent who can’t afford a vacation just yet.

I’m the parent who does the boring day to the day stuff.

I’m the parent who’s currently sitting in the train, looking at her reflection and having to remind myself why I’m doing this.

I’m the parent who will get home and cry about this because those words definitely echo in my head.

I’m the parent who will put on a brave face every morning and function even when I don’t feel like it.

I’m the parent who’s present but hey dad’s place is more fun.

And actually I love it for him because who doesn’t want to get out of their comfort zone and experience some fun!? He’s just five but why do I hear his voice in my head saying dad is more fun!?

All this sappy write up is probably to remind myself that I’m a good mother. I know it but a lot of times it doesn’t feel that way. However I choose to be still. I’ve already had one outburst today and it wasn’t pretty 🥲

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Four places to not go to in 2024

A season comes to end and just like that the new year has begun.

This year let us have a sense of direction for our lives. Be very aware of where you’re coming from, most especially, of where you’re going in life. In the same breath, be equally aware of where you’re definitely NOT going in 2024.

So, in the spirit of transparency, I’ll share with you 4 places I definitely WILL NOT be going in 2024

1. Above & beyond

2. The extra mile

3. Out of my way

4. Back & forth

Y’all have a great year. Be selfish with your time and energy because not everyone needs to experience you.

New motto of the year, psalm 46:10. Because this year, it’s all about being still.

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Current challenges

I’ve had very stressful few weeks so you know I gotta talk about it……

I’ve been doing an Internship that’s unfortunately compulsory for me to finally graduate. This internship is unpaid. Unendowed. Unliquidated, unsalaried. Unrenumerated. Whatever word you want to use for it. I ain’t getting paid. Which is stress on its own. Have you seen these prices? I am unable to work because oh well this so called internship won’t allow it.

Furthermore, it’s cold season so everyone is getting sick, including my son’s teachers at kindergarten which subsequently leads to shortened opening hours, which in turn means I have to pick him up earlier. Which means I’m not able to work 8 hours a day, which means this internship will most likely take longer than anticipated, which means I have to come up with ways of making money while still trying to graduate because no internship, no graduation.

The mental load always surpasses the physical load. I am exhausted beyond comprehension. The amount of time I’ve sat on the edge of the sofa because I can’t even explain how tired I am from planning and executing and feeling bad and ashamed that I’m dependent on others to pick up my child from school….the most difficult part is being a good mother at 8pm when I’m exhausted, completely breaking down and not being able to go to bed because this little human still deserves a good parent no matter what my day looked like…..sometimes I fumble but we learn and move to the next day….

At this point, shout-out to the few people who have shown me so much grace and helped me with pick ups so far.

But this month has thought me the following

1. You are not entitled to anybody’s help. First of all, asking for help is a very courageous thing to do.

2. Just cause you asked for help, don’t mean you gon get it. People have lives, they have plans. The world doesn’t stop cause you’re having a crisis. They may not even be able to help even when they would want to. Tough luck

3. You are responsible for yourself. Fortunately or unfortunately. In my case if I ask a friend to help me out and they cannot, boy it don’t matter how important whatever is, best believe everything will have to wait because this little human will always come first.

4. Think twice before having them kids 😂

5. As a woman, have the amount of kids that you think you’ll also be able to cater to if you should ever have to pick up the tab alone.

6. This is perhaps the most important one, if you want kids, make sure you have them with someone who wants to be a dad and a husband. Not just a man who wants kids. Because raising a person alone is not easy. It has become so normalized but it is not the norm. It shouldn’t be. It’s not a trophy. Just don’t do it.

God really said I must belong to his strongest soldiers in this life by force!!! He really put my name on that list because even something seemingly works out, it still comes with hardship. But the end will be glorious. I would tell you to chin up but my chin is down but hey still read Isaiah 41:10.

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Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal trauma is not something I wish on my worst enemy. You’re anxious most of the time. That effortless peace of mind is gone. The resentment almost never goes away. You cannot look at them without thinking of the hurt they caused you.

You lose all the respect you had for them. You question your self worth. But eventually you get over it. Your wounds heal, you don’t feel the constant depression anymore.

But the Love is not the same. The respect isn’t either because you’ve seen what they are capable of. The cracks unfortunately are only ignored and never forgotten…..

But on a random Tuesday it will hit you and you’ll get triggered again, you’ll bring it up the first few months perhaps. Eventually you won’t bring it up anymore, you’ll learn to get through your trigger a little better each time, you’ll learn to compartmentalize it better in your brain……..

Eventually you may even get better at pretending it never happened…..until that random Tuesday comes and you’re glaring at the cracks in your foundation and you realize the trust will never be effortless again…….and so the cycle continues…….

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Mask on

A constant overwhelming feeling in my chest that I try to downplay. I put on a mask because how do I talk about the same things daily without dampening the moment, how do I talk about the same fears daily without sounding like a broken record, hell I sound like a broken in my own mind now imagine verbalizing the same things over and over again….. it’s no wonder they think something is always up with me

There is no avenue to let it out so I put on a brave mask to cover up my fears, insecurities and anxieties. I put it on now, I’ll put it on tomorrow and for the rest of the week, it will continuously stay on because I dare not speak on the same issues again so…

I stay quiet, in hopes that somebody will read between the lines and hear my silent screams.

I stay quiet in hopes that somebody notices my battle in the midst of my stillness but nobody does.

I stay quiet in hopes that a savior will appear out of nowhere and take my burdens away from me but again, there’s nobody coming to save me….

So I stay quiet and keep my mask on…..I may take it off for a few hours at night but even I am scared of the version without the mask

Therefore it stays on. At all times…..