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Single Motherhood

It (doesn’t) take a village

For the most part of my life I’ve always believed the saying that it takes a village to raise a child. My mother had a village when she was raising me so I grew up with present aunties, uncles, cousins, neighbors and their kids. I knew the bread seller by name and I would just casually chill with the woman who sold plantain in front of our gate. I grew up with a village. My mother never had to find someone to watch me, talk more of paying a babysitter….so yes I grew up with a village and it was beautiful for the most part.

You’re supposed to have a village because in the end nobody is meant to do it alone. Atleast that’s what I thought right…….. WRONG

Stop telling mothers, who are raising their kids by themselves that it takes it takes a village because most of us (especially the ones living abroad) just don’t have that village for various reasons. That statement is just a reminder that we’re doing it on our own when we’re not meant to, myself included.

It takes two people to make a baby but somehow it’s mostly the woman left stuck with the consequences. My co parent doesn’t co parent or in his definition and I quote he co parents when our son is „living with him“ which has been nothing this year. My sisters are all far away and so are the rest of my family members. Most of my friends don’t even live in the same city. And even if these people were to live close by, all these people work and they have lives so nobody is coming to your rescue while you take a 2 hour nap because you just need recuperating.

Back home there was a huge sense of community. My mum left me with aunties the whole day, we were allowed to go out and play with the kids in the area as long as you were back home before it got dark but here in Europe there’s no community. The most you see of your neighbors is when they are snooping out the window trying to be the next witnesses in a police case. I don’t even know my neighbor talk more of trusting them with my child……

Nobody is coming to rescue you from your repetitive daily chores and unfortunately for most of us, we have to sit there and the only thing that keeps us going is the hope that some day it will get better.

So no, there is no village. If you happen to have a village, you must be one of god’s favorites. I and many other mothers, even the ones who have their partners in their lives and are living together, have no village. I have two very wonderful mummy friends who help me whenever they can and a loving family who help me on weekends I need to get away but even they are 2 hours away…

For those of you who have a village, I love it for you. For those of us who chose the wrong man to have children with, god is our strength 😂 whatever the case may be, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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“There’s always something with you”

Let me break it down for you. I am a young woman who is navigating parenthood with a non existent co parent.

I am a young woman who has chosen not to give up on her career despite the mess she put herself in.

I am a young woman who’s every tiny decision affects another humans life.

I am the first born daughter to both my African parents.

I am a young woman who has had to bear a lot of those financial and emotional responsibilities since I could remember.

I am a young woman who’s always been reminded of those responsibilities since I’ve developed my first memories.

I am a young woman who’s made her mistakes and has had to bear the consequences alone.

I am a young woman who’s been sexually assaulted by people she called “uncle”

I am a young woman who lays in bed at night wondering what’s next to come.

I am a young woman who somehow can’t have it all because even when something good is happening, I’m always thinking of how to navigate the down sides of the so called positive thing.

I am a young woman who mostly goes through things alone.

I am a young woman who barely has time for herself.

I am a young woman who always has something coming.

I am a young woman who has to make her own decisions at all times.

I am a young woman who has to lay in whatever bed she makes because there’s no savior out there.

I know I’m not smiling. I know I’m not speaking much. No I am not unhappy or sad. I’m probably just scanning through a series of things that are waiting for me to complete. I’m probably craving for someone to take some of the burden off my shoulders.

I am very content and happy because I know where I was and where I am. The progress is wild. Even when I don’t look the part, I am filled with gratitude.

I am not the person you should go to if you need my face to mirror my emotions. You’ll just get confused. This face remains straight. And yes there’s probably always something that I have to sort out. Again just because my happiness doesn’t manifest in a way that people understand, don’t mean I’m unhappy. Since people love to dictate other people according to their own personal lenses……

Please if you feel like once more there’s something with me, you should just ask for my PayPal or bank details…..

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Reminder: Stop comparing your journey….

Last week, I was given a reminder that I wasn’t as far in life as my mates. Now I felt sorry for myself for a hot minute. I mean they were right. My mates are having master’s and phd degrees while I’m still struggling with common bachelors….. My mates are opening businesses, earning 5 figures and here I am not being focused on what’s important.

At this point let me reiterate how important it is that you know yourself and believe in your journey because if you don’t, you give people the power to speak about you. To speak about a journey they know nothing about because they haven’t walked a day in your shoes.

I will admit that this is something I struggle with. This is something I’ve always struggled with and in the midst of me having allowed someone else’s baseless words to penetrate my thoughts, i began to compare myself to others.

I shared my feelings with a very close friend of mine and she gave me some pretty reminders, she said to me:

“Will you stop that right now. I can’t remember them birthing babies, raising them, getting out of a difficult relationship, no backing from parents whatsoever. Building life afresh with a child with all its hurdles. Exactly I see no room for comparison here”

And yes at first I was shocked that my friend could speak so much sense 😂

But it flipped the script for me because I needed that reminder. Yes I may have not gotten my first degree yet, yes in society’s eyes I may be delayed but I got reminded that I am still here. At some point broken, but I am still here. And I’m not backing down. I got reminded that I was resilience. That indeed I hold my own weight alone, nobody was holding my hand. Nobody was patting me on the shoulder.

This is my reminder to you that none of us have walked a day in your shoes so our opinion of you doesn’t matter. I urge you to block out anything that makes you feel less than what you’re actually worth. Don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s because we’re all on this earth to fulfill different purposes. Stand firm in your decisions and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for choosing what you think is right.

I could write a book about having and dealing with low self esteem because everyone else’s life looks so brilliant on the outside. Everyone around you seems like they are doing big things in their respective career paths. Everyone is getting married and having babies. Friends are starting businesses and making money and yet there you are, still at the same spot. If anything, it seems like you’ve taken steps back. I deal with these feelings everyday. But don’t let it fool you. I believe everything is turn by turn and it comes in seasons so stand firm on your ground and your prayers because your season will surely come. This week I stood firm on Habakuk 2:3. Make sure you read it and don’t forget, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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A bad week….

I haven’t cried in a long time. Lately I just sit there staring at the wall in numbness. You know how the saying goes, if you don’t make out time to rest, your body will do that for you and it won’t be pretty…yeah that’s what’s been happening to me the last 9 days. They haven’t been pretty.. I’ve had like 3 good cries on different days 😂

I was so exhausted last week. Doing everything by myself literally kicked my ass. And it wasn’t nothing major…I had to fix my internet and somehow lost my ability to understand basic German and I just wasn’t getting it. Nothing was. One thing and I just felt like damn I shouldn’t be doing this… shouldn’t a man be doing this for me?

It wasn’t better the next day, why am I carrying crates of water… why do I have to take out the bin. And why the hell do I have to figure out how to adjust this bike so my child can ride it….. or does he just need a new one but wait shouldn’t a man be doing this for me again 😂

I kid you not, I cried for that. It’s the fatigue, exhaustion, fear, anxiety…. Everything just came crashing. But in the midst of that I had a bit of encouragement…

I had a meeting at my son’s school and they gave me an update on how he’s been doing. He’s doing great. He’s a good kid and that is thanks to me and all the overtime I put on a daily basis…..it was a great reminder that despite everything that is seemingly going wrong, I am doing something right. And I have great friends that remind me of that when I feel this way. A friend reminded me that I do so much on a daily basis that it’s ok to feel the way I’m feeling. And I myself I forget.

My job on a daily basis goes unnoticed every time. My sleepless nights. My marathons to pick up my son after work. Putting my mental health aside at all times to put my child first. The money I keep spending on the same little human mostly. Worrying about how my child is doing in kindergarten. Worrying about his social and emotional skills. Worrying about if he’s keeping up with his age mates considering he had a very difficult start in life. Worrying about all these things and still Somehow having the head to push through my own personal stuff….. I never have time to do what I want to do or just to relax……..

Let me remind you today that you’re doing great, as long as you’re doing your best. Your best isn’t always going to be 100 everyday. On some days it’s going to be 80% on others it may be 40% but as long as you’re giving it 100 on that day, no matter what that looks like, you’re doing great. As long as you’re showing up every single day. It’s ok to have a bad day, a bad week, a bad moment but don’t ever forget why you started. And if you don’t like the journey then change direction. Not everyone I’d going to be there or understand your bad moments and that’s ok. But know yourself, that’s worth much more. And no matter what you do, make sure to breathe and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Another repetitive day…..

A few weeks or months ago my so called co parent mentioned that he had moved back to the UK for his mental health. The luxury of being able to put your mental health above your son…..unfortunately when one parent bails the other has to step up. Fortunately or unfortunately I’m the one who had to step up. Evidently my mental health is a secondary concern.

I got reminded of that statement today because it would seem my mental health is on the verge of a collapse but unfortunately for me I don’t get the luxury of putting my mental health first so I dit here and write this hoping to feel better at the end, which is less likely to happen because this hamster wheel needs to keep spinning and I’m the hamster doing all the laps.

Now why did I remember this mental health statement today,……my son said good morning today and immediately proceeded to ask me when his father would pick him because his father keeps giving him false hopes that they would see soon…… soon being 3-4 months (atleast that’s what he claims)

Who gets to explain that, his father is in fact not coming to pick him up. I have to come up with excuses all day because I cannot say what’s on my mind which is your deadbeat dad don’t even wanna come pick you up. He lying. He ready to put your safety at risk for a few hundred pounds…..

It is exhausting trying to protect a child from information that will hurt his feelings.

Today I bought these very unnecessary overpriced sand toys because well it’s summer, there’s pools and playgrounds so these toys are a necessity, atleast for a 5 year old…does he care that I had just come from work and had been up since sunrise, no he doesn’t and quite frankly he doesn’t have to. I could have used my money to buy myself some breakfast for work the next day, no he doesn’t…..

He broke one of the Tonies that he had borrowed from the library, I had to pay for it.

I have exactly 30 minutes to pick him up from kindergarten after work and if I miss either my train or my bus, I run a sprint and I mean that literally

I could go on and on about how repetitive yet exhausting my day is and every night I sit with my though and wonder if I’m a good mother while he just moved for his mental health without considering how it would affect his child. I wish I had such luxury but here I am reminding myself of John 13:7, Jeremiah 29:11 and of course my go to, Isaiah 41:10 because if it wasn’t for certain bible verses….. only God knows………

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Fears

I’m scared of the future

I’m scared to fail

I’m scared of not living up to my full potential

I’m scared I’m never going to find a man to accept me and my son FULLY

I’m scared of traumatizing my son

I’m scared of being broke forever 😂😂 (this is a serious fear)

I’m scared of my mum dying before i can take care of her financially

I’m scared of disappointing my mum. But I already have

I’m scared of losing myself while being a mum

I’m scared of my intrusive thoughts

I’m scared those intrusive thoughts might just win one day

I’m scared I’ll settle in my career

I’m scared I’ll never graduate

I’m scared I’ll turn into those “bitter” mothers because I chose a deadbeat to father my child

I’m scared of not being enough. Not doing enough. But I already do so much, or do I not?

I’m scared of running out of time.

I am tired.

My heart is palpitating.

I’m having an anxiety attack but damn will I wake up at 5:30am having to face the world alone. Full of fear. Fatigue. Exhaustion. Yet fully functional.

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Quick PSA

This will be short and sweet. That boy that you gave birth to, no matter his age, is not the love of your life.

He is your child. It Dont matter the sacrifices that you made. It Dont matter the sleepless nights. It don’t matter what you did to keep yourself afloat, that boy is not your man.

Stop raising these boys in hopes that he’ll reward you in some kind of way. You’re raising someone else’s husband. If you’re pissed his daddy left you and you had to make sacrifices to get to where y’all are, well newsflash that boy gon leave you too.

It’s his birthright. Having a life of his own is his birthright. He will leave your house, he will meet someone else or not… but he will leave you to build a life on his own.

I hope our generation has more loving mother in laws,less judgmental mother in laws. Because most of these women be monster in laws. Hypocrites. Your son is not your man. Dont try influence his decisions then be mad when he does what he chooses to do.

These mothers be raising these men to do things they hoped their ex partners would do for them and that’s great but he will be doing these things for someone else. Of course your child is allowed to take care of you when he chooses to but still remember your place. You rarely hear stories of bitter father in-laws but my gender is just special.

One more time your son ain’t your man. He ain’t the love of your life. Go download tinder if you have to.

Let’s not forget the sisters who are also on this table. Y’all are weird… mind your business and let another woman enjoy her relationship ship in peace.

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Single Motherhood

Diary Of A Single Mother….. (2)

It’s like I have a lot to say yet speechless at the same time.

My son turned 5. Another 365 days that I’ve gone through raising him myself.

27weeks I carried this boy, of which 8 were very traumatic. I remember it like it was yesterday. If you’re expecting this write up to be about how much of a good boy he is (which he is btw) or how proud I am of him (which I am), then sorry to disappoint you. This is about me! How proud I am of me because I do the work! Me and nobody else.

I remember being very sad about the fact that I couldn’t throw him a birthday party 2 years ago because we didn’t have space, last year it was because we had just moved and I hadn’t furnished the apartment yet.

“This was the best birthday” was what he told me after all his friends had left the house. That was enough to make everything absolutely worth it.

His little smile was worth getting soaked in the rain while going to pick up his cake.

His laughter all throughout the day was worth the money spent on food, drinks and gifts.

His excitement was worth going to bed at 3a.m after decorating the house and waking up at 6a.m to bake pretzels for his kindergarten group.

His happiness was worth every effort that went into planning and hosting his friends and their parents.

I said this post was about me and yet I just spoke about his feelings…. I can’t help it. He practically comes first, even before me. But I am proud of me for doing this for him. I am an extreme introvert therefore this didn’t come naturally to me. So here we go…

I am proud of me for doing this parenting thing for 5 years.

I am proud of me for parenting solo for 3 years now.

I am proud of me because my child is always perceived to be intelligent and happy. I cannot think of a better compliment to receive as a mother.

I am proud of me for putting his needs above mine even when I Dont feel like it.

I am proud of me for being the present parent.

I am so damn proud of me for overcoming all the sleepless nights for whatever reason.

I am so damn proud that my child lacks nothing, no matter how little I may have.

I am so damn proud of me for being the default, present and active parent and I handle it gracefully even though the crown is heavy.

I am so damn proud of me for overcoming 100% of my bad days.

I am just particularly proud that no matter what I mention that gets done, I do it SOLO.

Isn’t it funny how I get to run around for 3 days making last minute preparations, driving from one place to the other picking up things, staying up late to decorate, waking up early to bake his favorite snack for him to take to kindergarten, I get to do all these things and a lot more on a daily basis while the “co-parent”get to post a lot of happy birthday pictures in the early hours of the afternoon, but calls at 8pm and decides to be a “dad” for exactly 5 minutes.

So yes, I have been holding in so many tears that got released today now that the birthday is finally over and with those tears my anger has been released for now. So when I emphasize on parenting Solo, best believe that it is personal.

Let’s add another bible verse to the game shall we, Jeremiah 29:11. This is the verse of the week because I need to remind myself that there’s a plan that I am yet to understand. Still make sure to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10

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Single Motherhood

A day in the life of…… (2)

“Dont worry everything you deserve will locate you soon”! Those words have not left my mind since they got said to me few weeks ago. But what do I even deserve?

It’s almost 9pm. The little man has had dinner, taken a shower, we read a book and he’s been tucked in, ready to refill for another day. And me, I am currently operating on 3 hours of sleep because that same little man dictates my sleeping pattern and some nights are just not good.

I skipped breakfast, technically skipped lunch because between getting ready in the morning, dropping him off at school, rushing to the other side of town for work, most days there’s just not enough time for breakfast.

There’s no time for lunch either because working only 6 hours daily doesn’t permit me to take breaks. So I normally just settle for a very late lunch/ early dinner and maybe a snack before bed.

It is 9:05pm and I realize that I’m fucked. Of course I am the one who’s fucked. School is closed for little man next week and I have pedagogical days at work…. Ain’t that great…..that basically means I cannot take the week off work.

I forgot. Or it just didn’t sink into my brain on time, either way I am left to find alternatives on my own. Again. Where is the co-parent when you need him, aahhh yes living the comfortable life.

“I just don’t want you to be going through stuff and you’re not telling me”, I laugh it off because at this point I’m not just going through stuff but stuff is also going through me 😂.

It’s not that I’m going through stuff, it is just that my racing mind never reaches its destination.

It’s not that I’m going through stuff but how do I explain that I’m somehow on the verge of breaking down because I find myself in this hamster wheel that has to keep spinning.

However, whose fault is it, I should have chosen better for myself when I had the chance, that’s what I’ve been told and that’s what I catch myself believing sometimes. I should have chosen better.

Isaiah 60:22. I repeat that to myself and somehow wait to fight another day until it’s my turn to receive everything I deserve because psalm 23 says that goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life so I believe that whatever this is, it produces perseverance and that perseverance produces character and in turn hope.

So that hamster wheel will keep spinning and it will come to an end some day but for now we run.

Btw you see that psalm 23, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. “All the days of my life”, I can’t even dodge the goodness coming my day even if I wanted to and neither can you. So keep running in your hamster wheel because when that goodness hits you, it will be glorious. Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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A trip down memory lane

I went back home briefly over the weekend. Lol can I even call it home

I want back to the city I used to live in with my family. Usually when I go back, it’s to either drop my kid or see my sister and for both reasons, I’m always either in and out within hours and my sister lives outside the city so I take a different route. This time however, this time I walked down the road I used to take to get to school and I didn’t think it would affect me this much.

All I could about was the transition from being a child growing up with a loving family to coming tonGermany living in hostile, unloving environment and having to quickly grow up.

When did it get so bad that school became an escape. Leaving the house was all I could think about. I would leave the house early but take the longer route to get home. How hostile it must have been that we all wanted to be anywhere but home…

I was promised a better education no doubt. But I was also promised love and care. I was promised protection. I was a child. I should have been loved and protected. He should have made sure of that but instead here we are.

Looking back I used to wonder what I did wrong. What was wrong with me. Why couldn’t he just love me. Sometimes I still think there must be something wrong with me. I must be doing something wrong because why won’t my parent love me. Why was it so easy for him to not speak to me for over 5 years.

In as much as I don’t believe it’s my duty to repair this relationship, I am aware that it is paramount that we speak. It is paramount because my inner child needs healing to be able to flourish fully. It is paramount because I know that deep down, that is where my fear of rejection lies. Above all it is paramount because I need my dad. My inner child needs her father to sometimes calm her raging mind. My inner child needs her father to sometimes remind her that he’s proud. My inner child needs her father to give her some encouragement from time to time. My inner child needs parental reassurance, a hug or just to know that everything’s going to be ok.

No matter how accustomed I am to living life without him, my adult self also needs her father. Let’s all chin up and read Isaiah 41:10