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To have loved and lost

Love, in every sense of it, is the most beautiful thing you can ever have. It’s the greatest gift you can ever give. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Or so they say…

I too have loved and lost. I loved him like the moon loves the tide. He came into my life and showed me the light. A light too bright to keep.

Showed me love. A love too wild, too vast, too deep. Took walks with me. Walks that filled my soul with peace.

Peace is what he brought. A warmth I hadn’t felt in a long time. His laughter, a melody where my heart belongs. But as bright as the sun as he was,

Some things shine then slip away. Not meant to be held, but meant to stay – As memories. A love once ours, now to let go.

So I teach my heart what it never knew – How to wake each day unlearning to love him.

Teach my heart how to hear his name and not turn my head.

Teach my heart to sleep on my side, while his side of the bed remains empty.

Teach my heart to rewrite the stories where we used to be, until my love for him is a whisper that is no longer in me.

It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. Or so they say…

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Life Lately

Has it been a while? Yes it has. Hope you have been good? I have been navigating adulthood and motherhood. Two toughest hoods that have ever existed in the history of hoods….you know the usual

I recently had to turn down a good job offer. This job would have allowed me to break into a different career path. It equally would have been more money. The conditions surrounding the job weren’t what would have been best for my child. It was weekends, it was long hours, guaranteed overtime…..

I was really bummed out about it. I was desperate to break into a different career field. I ended up taking a different job. Same field, a little bit more hours….. although I was grateful for what I had, I felt very sad cause deep down I wanted the other opportunity to work out. However being a mum I guess there’s some sacrifices I still need to make if I want to stay being a present parent.

Friends have been great, the encouraging messages have been amazing. P.s. get you some friends who understand you even when you’re silent because they understand.

I didn’t necessarily feel sad cause I couldn’t take the job but it was the fact that it showed me that I was so far away from “freedom”, although I was closer to my dreams, it still felt so far away because these are the sacrifices I still had to make. Being the sole, present parent, there was no way I could take up a Job working 8am to 6pm, including weekends, without missing out on a lot about my child. I suppose I really cannot have it all. At least not at the moment.

It made me reflect on my motherhood experience and my fears surrounding my life and goals but that’s a different story entirely.

But in all things I try to remain still, which doesn’t always work out…. Funny enough a friend of mine recently asked me if I don’t break down….Baby I cry in my pillow when things get too tough for me to handle but you know I cry in bulk cause as an adult and a single mother I can’t afford to cry everyday so some of my crying gets bookmarked and when enough reasons have been collected then I cry in bulk.

Until a better opportunity arises for me and perhaps for you, I suggest reading psalm 46:10, remaining still and knowing that a better opportunity will definitely come. And by the way, please don’t ever let people who haven’t walked a day in your shoes, don’t let their opinions affect you because I catch myself doing that and trust me, it is not what you need in life.

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Single Motherhood

Single mum chronicles

Today I looked at myself in the mirror and saw how tired and lifeless I looked. The day was long. The stress is immense at the moment. Simultaneously working on many things, as per usual.

And then a little voice whispered into my ear that I was not the fun parent. Well his exact words were that he has more fun at his dads than he has at home.

Was this expected, actually yes. It’s normal. Was I still hurt by it, definitely.

In the moment I brushed it off because what does a 5 year old understand about words having an impact. He just thinks about his cousins and the fact that he’s allowed to watch his tablet all day, everyday, which he’s not allowed at home. He remembers legoland. The trips are always fun.

I’ve always known that I’m the boring parent. I’m the parent who interrupts his sleep in the morning for school so I’m able to work and afford the bills.

I’m the parent who takes him to the pediatrician and knows his doctors by name.

I’m the parent who shows up at school meetings. I’m the parent his teachers know by name and I know theirs.

I’m the parent whose phone rings when he’s sick and needs to leave work early to pick him up.

I’m the parent who eventually calls in sick at work for the next few days because who else will do it?

I’m the parent who forgot to follow up with work because his lungs sounded tight for 3 days in a row.

I’m the parent who doesn’t get to sleep because I need to make sure he’s breathing in the night.

I’m the parent who doesn’t get to enjoy the whole bed because somehow my bed is more comfortable than his and he has to sleep right next to me.

I’m the parent who says no pretty often. No to sweets. No to new toys. No to screen time during the week.

I’m the parent who sits down on Saturdays and teaches him how to read. It’s not always fun having to sit down and not face a screen.

I’m the parent who encourages him to pick up a book instead of a tablet.

I’m the parent who can’t afford a vacation just yet.

I’m the parent who does the boring day to the day stuff.

I’m the parent who’s currently sitting in the train, looking at her reflection and having to remind myself why I’m doing this.

I’m the parent who will get home and cry about this because those words definitely echo in my head.

I’m the parent who will put on a brave face every morning and function even when I don’t feel like it.

I’m the parent who’s present but hey dad’s place is more fun.

And actually I love it for him because who doesn’t want to get out of their comfort zone and experience some fun!? He’s just five but why do I hear his voice in my head saying dad is more fun!?

All this sappy write up is probably to remind myself that I’m a good mother. I know it but a lot of times it doesn’t feel that way. However I choose to be still. I’ve already had one outburst today and it wasn’t pretty 🥲

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Four places to not go to in 2024

A season comes to end and just like that the new year has begun.

This year let us have a sense of direction for our lives. Be very aware of where you’re coming from, most especially, of where you’re going in life. In the same breath, be equally aware of where you’re definitely NOT going in 2024.

So, in the spirit of transparency, I’ll share with you 4 places I definitely WILL NOT be going in 2024

1. Above & beyond

2. The extra mile

3. Out of my way

4. Back & forth

Y’all have a great year. Be selfish with your time and energy because not everyone needs to experience you.

New motto of the year, psalm 46:10. Because this year, it’s all about being still.

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Current challenges

I’ve had very stressful few weeks so you know I gotta talk about it……

I’ve been doing an Internship that’s unfortunately compulsory for me to finally graduate. This internship is unpaid. Unendowed. Unliquidated, unsalaried. Unrenumerated. Whatever word you want to use for it. I ain’t getting paid. Which is stress on its own. Have you seen these prices? I am unable to work because oh well this so called internship won’t allow it.

Furthermore, it’s cold season so everyone is getting sick, including my son’s teachers at kindergarten which subsequently leads to shortened opening hours, which in turn means I have to pick him up earlier. Which means I’m not able to work 8 hours a day, which means this internship will most likely take longer than anticipated, which means I have to come up with ways of making money while still trying to graduate because no internship, no graduation.

The mental load always surpasses the physical load. I am exhausted beyond comprehension. The amount of time I’ve sat on the edge of the sofa because I can’t even explain how tired I am from planning and executing and feeling bad and ashamed that I’m dependent on others to pick up my child from school….the most difficult part is being a good mother at 8pm when I’m exhausted, completely breaking down and not being able to go to bed because this little human still deserves a good parent no matter what my day looked like…..sometimes I fumble but we learn and move to the next day….

At this point, shout-out to the few people who have shown me so much grace and helped me with pick ups so far.

But this month has thought me the following

1. You are not entitled to anybody’s help. First of all, asking for help is a very courageous thing to do.

2. Just cause you asked for help, don’t mean you gon get it. People have lives, they have plans. The world doesn’t stop cause you’re having a crisis. They may not even be able to help even when they would want to. Tough luck

3. You are responsible for yourself. Fortunately or unfortunately. In my case if I ask a friend to help me out and they cannot, boy it don’t matter how important whatever is, best believe everything will have to wait because this little human will always come first.

4. Think twice before having them kids 😂

5. As a woman, have the amount of kids that you think you’ll also be able to cater to if you should ever have to pick up the tab alone.

6. This is perhaps the most important one, if you want kids, make sure you have them with someone who wants to be a dad and a husband. Not just a man who wants kids. Because raising a person alone is not easy. It has become so normalized but it is not the norm. It shouldn’t be. It’s not a trophy. Just don’t do it.

God really said I must belong to his strongest soldiers in this life by force!!! He really put my name on that list because even something seemingly works out, it still comes with hardship. But the end will be glorious. I would tell you to chin up but my chin is down but hey still read Isaiah 41:10.

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Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal trauma is not something I wish on my worst enemy. You’re anxious most of the time. That effortless peace of mind is gone. The resentment almost never goes away. You cannot look at them without thinking of the hurt they caused you.

You lose all the respect you had for them. You question your self worth. But eventually you get over it. Your wounds heal, you don’t feel the constant depression anymore.

But the Love is not the same. The respect isn’t either because you’ve seen what they are capable of. The cracks unfortunately are only ignored and never forgotten…..

But on a random Tuesday it will hit you and you’ll get triggered again, you’ll bring it up the first few months perhaps. Eventually you won’t bring it up anymore, you’ll learn to get through your trigger a little better each time, you’ll learn to compartmentalize it better in your brain……..

Eventually you may even get better at pretending it never happened…..until that random Tuesday comes and you’re glaring at the cracks in your foundation and you realize the trust will never be effortless again…….and so the cycle continues…….

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Mask on

A constant overwhelming feeling in my chest that I try to downplay. I put on a mask because how do I talk about the same things daily without dampening the moment, how do I talk about the same fears daily without sounding like a broken record, hell I sound like a broken in my own mind now imagine verbalizing the same things over and over again….. it’s no wonder they think something is always up with me

There is no avenue to let it out so I put on a brave mask to cover up my fears, insecurities and anxieties. I put it on now, I’ll put it on tomorrow and for the rest of the week, it will continuously stay on because I dare not speak on the same issues again so…

I stay quiet, in hopes that somebody will read between the lines and hear my silent screams.

I stay quiet in hopes that somebody notices my battle in the midst of my stillness but nobody does.

I stay quiet in hopes that a savior will appear out of nowhere and take my burdens away from me but again, there’s nobody coming to save me….

So I stay quiet and keep my mask on…..I may take it off for a few hours at night but even I am scared of the version without the mask

Therefore it stays on. At all times…..

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Single Motherhood

It (doesn’t) take a village

For the most part of my life I’ve always believed the saying that it takes a village to raise a child. My mother had a village when she was raising me so I grew up with present aunties, uncles, cousins, neighbors and their kids. I knew the bread seller by name and I would just casually chill with the woman who sold plantain in front of our gate. I grew up with a village. My mother never had to find someone to watch me, talk more of paying a babysitter….so yes I grew up with a village and it was beautiful for the most part.

You’re supposed to have a village because in the end nobody is meant to do it alone. Atleast that’s what I thought right…….. WRONG

Stop telling mothers, who are raising their kids by themselves that it takes it takes a village because most of us (especially the ones living abroad) just don’t have that village for various reasons. That statement is just a reminder that we’re doing it on our own when we’re not meant to, myself included.

It takes two people to make a baby but somehow it’s mostly the woman left stuck with the consequences. My co parent doesn’t co parent or in his definition and I quote he co parents when our son is „living with him“ which has been nothing this year. My sisters are all far away and so are the rest of my family members. Most of my friends don’t even live in the same city. And even if these people were to live close by, all these people work and they have lives so nobody is coming to your rescue while you take a 2 hour nap because you just need recuperating.

Back home there was a huge sense of community. My mum left me with aunties the whole day, we were allowed to go out and play with the kids in the area as long as you were back home before it got dark but here in Europe there’s no community. The most you see of your neighbors is when they are snooping out the window trying to be the next witnesses in a police case. I don’t even know my neighbor talk more of trusting them with my child……

Nobody is coming to rescue you from your repetitive daily chores and unfortunately for most of us, we have to sit there and the only thing that keeps us going is the hope that some day it will get better.

So no, there is no village. If you happen to have a village, you must be one of god’s favorites. I and many other mothers, even the ones who have their partners in their lives and are living together, have no village. I have two very wonderful mummy friends who help me whenever they can and a loving family who help me on weekends I need to get away but even they are 2 hours away…

For those of you who have a village, I love it for you. For those of us who chose the wrong man to have children with, god is our strength 😂 whatever the case may be, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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“There’s always something with you”

Let me break it down for you. I am a young woman who is navigating parenthood with a non existent co parent.

I am a young woman who has chosen not to give up on her career despite the mess she put herself in.

I am a young woman who’s every tiny decision affects another humans life.

I am the first born daughter to both my African parents.

I am a young woman who has had to bear a lot of those financial and emotional responsibilities since I could remember.

I am a young woman who’s always been reminded of those responsibilities since I’ve developed my first memories.

I am a young woman who’s made her mistakes and has had to bear the consequences alone.

I am a young woman who’s been sexually assaulted by people she called “uncle”

I am a young woman who lays in bed at night wondering what’s next to come.

I am a young woman who somehow can’t have it all because even when something good is happening, I’m always thinking of how to navigate the down sides of the so called positive thing.

I am a young woman who mostly goes through things alone.

I am a young woman who barely has time for herself.

I am a young woman who always has something coming.

I am a young woman who has to make her own decisions at all times.

I am a young woman who has to lay in whatever bed she makes because there’s no savior out there.

I know I’m not smiling. I know I’m not speaking much. No I am not unhappy or sad. I’m probably just scanning through a series of things that are waiting for me to complete. I’m probably craving for someone to take some of the burden off my shoulders.

I am very content and happy because I know where I was and where I am. The progress is wild. Even when I don’t look the part, I am filled with gratitude.

I am not the person you should go to if you need my face to mirror my emotions. You’ll just get confused. This face remains straight. And yes there’s probably always something that I have to sort out. Again just because my happiness doesn’t manifest in a way that people understand, don’t mean I’m unhappy. Since people love to dictate other people according to their own personal lenses……

Please if you feel like once more there’s something with me, you should just ask for my PayPal or bank details…..

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Reminder: Stop comparing your journey….

Last week, I was given a reminder that I wasn’t as far in life as my mates. Now I felt sorry for myself for a hot minute. I mean they were right. My mates are having master’s and phd degrees while I’m still struggling with common bachelors….. My mates are opening businesses, earning 5 figures and here I am not being focused on what’s important.

At this point let me reiterate how important it is that you know yourself and believe in your journey because if you don’t, you give people the power to speak about you. To speak about a journey they know nothing about because they haven’t walked a day in your shoes.

I will admit that this is something I struggle with. This is something I’ve always struggled with and in the midst of me having allowed someone else’s baseless words to penetrate my thoughts, i began to compare myself to others.

I shared my feelings with a very close friend of mine and she gave me some pretty reminders, she said to me:

“Will you stop that right now. I can’t remember them birthing babies, raising them, getting out of a difficult relationship, no backing from parents whatsoever. Building life afresh with a child with all its hurdles. Exactly I see no room for comparison here”

And yes at first I was shocked that my friend could speak so much sense 😂

But it flipped the script for me because I needed that reminder. Yes I may have not gotten my first degree yet, yes in society’s eyes I may be delayed but I got reminded that I am still here. At some point broken, but I am still here. And I’m not backing down. I got reminded that I was resilience. That indeed I hold my own weight alone, nobody was holding my hand. Nobody was patting me on the shoulder.

This is my reminder to you that none of us have walked a day in your shoes so our opinion of you doesn’t matter. I urge you to block out anything that makes you feel less than what you’re actually worth. Don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s because we’re all on this earth to fulfill different purposes. Stand firm in your decisions and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for choosing what you think is right.

I could write a book about having and dealing with low self esteem because everyone else’s life looks so brilliant on the outside. Everyone around you seems like they are doing big things in their respective career paths. Everyone is getting married and having babies. Friends are starting businesses and making money and yet there you are, still at the same spot. If anything, it seems like you’ve taken steps back. I deal with these feelings everyday. But don’t let it fool you. I believe everything is turn by turn and it comes in seasons so stand firm on your ground and your prayers because your season will surely come. This week I stood firm on Habakuk 2:3. Make sure you read it and don’t forget, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.