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A bad week….

I haven’t cried in a long time. Lately I just sit there staring at the wall in numbness. You know how the saying goes, if you don’t make out time to rest, your body will do that for you and it won’t be pretty…yeah that’s what’s been happening to me the last 9 days. They haven’t been pretty.. I’ve had like 3 good cries on different days 😂

I was so exhausted last week. Doing everything by myself literally kicked my ass. And it wasn’t nothing major…I had to fix my internet and somehow lost my ability to understand basic German and I just wasn’t getting it. Nothing was. One thing and I just felt like damn I shouldn’t be doing this… shouldn’t a man be doing this for me?

It wasn’t better the next day, why am I carrying crates of water… why do I have to take out the bin. And why the hell do I have to figure out how to adjust this bike so my child can ride it….. or does he just need a new one but wait shouldn’t a man be doing this for me again 😂

I kid you not, I cried for that. It’s the fatigue, exhaustion, fear, anxiety…. Everything just came crashing. But in the midst of that I had a bit of encouragement…

I had a meeting at my son’s school and they gave me an update on how he’s been doing. He’s doing great. He’s a good kid and that is thanks to me and all the overtime I put on a daily basis…..it was a great reminder that despite everything that is seemingly going wrong, I am doing something right. And I have great friends that remind me of that when I feel this way. A friend reminded me that I do so much on a daily basis that it’s ok to feel the way I’m feeling. And I myself I forget.

My job on a daily basis goes unnoticed every time. My sleepless nights. My marathons to pick up my son after work. Putting my mental health aside at all times to put my child first. The money I keep spending on the same little human mostly. Worrying about how my child is doing in kindergarten. Worrying about his social and emotional skills. Worrying about if he’s keeping up with his age mates considering he had a very difficult start in life. Worrying about all these things and still Somehow having the head to push through my own personal stuff….. I never have time to do what I want to do or just to relax……..

Let me remind you today that you’re doing great, as long as you’re doing your best. Your best isn’t always going to be 100 everyday. On some days it’s going to be 80% on others it may be 40% but as long as you’re giving it 100 on that day, no matter what that looks like, you’re doing great. As long as you’re showing up every single day. It’s ok to have a bad day, a bad week, a bad moment but don’t ever forget why you started. And if you don’t like the journey then change direction. Not everyone I’d going to be there or understand your bad moments and that’s ok. But know yourself, that’s worth much more. And no matter what you do, make sure to breathe and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Another repetitive day…..

A few weeks or months ago my so called co parent mentioned that he had moved back to the UK for his mental health. The luxury of being able to put your mental health above your son…..unfortunately when one parent bails the other has to step up. Fortunately or unfortunately I’m the one who had to step up. Evidently my mental health is a secondary concern.

I got reminded of that statement today because it would seem my mental health is on the verge of a collapse but unfortunately for me I don’t get the luxury of putting my mental health first so I dit here and write this hoping to feel better at the end, which is less likely to happen because this hamster wheel needs to keep spinning and I’m the hamster doing all the laps.

Now why did I remember this mental health statement today,……my son said good morning today and immediately proceeded to ask me when his father would pick him because his father keeps giving him false hopes that they would see soon…… soon being 3-4 months (atleast that’s what he claims)

Who gets to explain that, his father is in fact not coming to pick him up. I have to come up with excuses all day because I cannot say what’s on my mind which is your deadbeat dad don’t even wanna come pick you up. He lying. He ready to put your safety at risk for a few hundred pounds…..

It is exhausting trying to protect a child from information that will hurt his feelings.

Today I bought these very unnecessary overpriced sand toys because well it’s summer, there’s pools and playgrounds so these toys are a necessity, atleast for a 5 year old…does he care that I had just come from work and had been up since sunrise, no he doesn’t and quite frankly he doesn’t have to. I could have used my money to buy myself some breakfast for work the next day, no he doesn’t…..

He broke one of the Tonies that he had borrowed from the library, I had to pay for it.

I have exactly 30 minutes to pick him up from kindergarten after work and if I miss either my train or my bus, I run a sprint and I mean that literally

I could go on and on about how repetitive yet exhausting my day is and every night I sit with my though and wonder if I’m a good mother while he just moved for his mental health without considering how it would affect his child. I wish I had such luxury but here I am reminding myself of John 13:7, Jeremiah 29:11 and of course my go to, Isaiah 41:10 because if it wasn’t for certain bible verses….. only God knows………

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Fears

I’m scared of the future

I’m scared to fail

I’m scared of not living up to my full potential

I’m scared I’m never going to find a man to accept me and my son FULLY

I’m scared of traumatizing my son

I’m scared of being broke forever 😂😂 (this is a serious fear)

I’m scared of my mum dying before i can take care of her financially

I’m scared of disappointing my mum. But I already have

I’m scared of losing myself while being a mum

I’m scared of my intrusive thoughts

I’m scared those intrusive thoughts might just win one day

I’m scared I’ll settle in my career

I’m scared I’ll never graduate

I’m scared I’ll turn into those “bitter” mothers because I chose a deadbeat to father my child

I’m scared of not being enough. Not doing enough. But I already do so much, or do I not?

I’m scared of running out of time.

I am tired.

My heart is palpitating.

I’m having an anxiety attack but damn will I wake up at 5:30am having to face the world alone. Full of fear. Fatigue. Exhaustion. Yet fully functional.

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Quick PSA

This will be short and sweet. That boy that you gave birth to, no matter his age, is not the love of your life.

He is your child. It Dont matter the sacrifices that you made. It Dont matter the sleepless nights. It don’t matter what you did to keep yourself afloat, that boy is not your man.

Stop raising these boys in hopes that he’ll reward you in some kind of way. You’re raising someone else’s husband. If you’re pissed his daddy left you and you had to make sacrifices to get to where y’all are, well newsflash that boy gon leave you too.

It’s his birthright. Having a life of his own is his birthright. He will leave your house, he will meet someone else or not… but he will leave you to build a life on his own.

I hope our generation has more loving mother in laws,less judgmental mother in laws. Because most of these women be monster in laws. Hypocrites. Your son is not your man. Dont try influence his decisions then be mad when he does what he chooses to do.

These mothers be raising these men to do things they hoped their ex partners would do for them and that’s great but he will be doing these things for someone else. Of course your child is allowed to take care of you when he chooses to but still remember your place. You rarely hear stories of bitter father in-laws but my gender is just special.

One more time your son ain’t your man. He ain’t the love of your life. Go download tinder if you have to.

Let’s not forget the sisters who are also on this table. Y’all are weird… mind your business and let another woman enjoy her relationship ship in peace.

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Single Motherhood

Diary Of A Single Mother….. (2)

It’s like I have a lot to say yet speechless at the same time.

My son turned 5. Another 365 days that I’ve gone through raising him myself.

27weeks I carried this boy, of which 8 were very traumatic. I remember it like it was yesterday. If you’re expecting this write up to be about how much of a good boy he is (which he is btw) or how proud I am of him (which I am), then sorry to disappoint you. This is about me! How proud I am of me because I do the work! Me and nobody else.

I remember being very sad about the fact that I couldn’t throw him a birthday party 2 years ago because we didn’t have space, last year it was because we had just moved and I hadn’t furnished the apartment yet.

“This was the best birthday” was what he told me after all his friends had left the house. That was enough to make everything absolutely worth it.

His little smile was worth getting soaked in the rain while going to pick up his cake.

His laughter all throughout the day was worth the money spent on food, drinks and gifts.

His excitement was worth going to bed at 3a.m after decorating the house and waking up at 6a.m to bake pretzels for his kindergarten group.

His happiness was worth every effort that went into planning and hosting his friends and their parents.

I said this post was about me and yet I just spoke about his feelings…. I can’t help it. He practically comes first, even before me. But I am proud of me for doing this for him. I am an extreme introvert therefore this didn’t come naturally to me. So here we go…

I am proud of me for doing this parenting thing for 5 years.

I am proud of me for parenting solo for 3 years now.

I am proud of me because my child is always perceived to be intelligent and happy. I cannot think of a better compliment to receive as a mother.

I am proud of me for putting his needs above mine even when I Dont feel like it.

I am proud of me for being the present parent.

I am so damn proud of me for overcoming all the sleepless nights for whatever reason.

I am so damn proud that my child lacks nothing, no matter how little I may have.

I am so damn proud of me for being the default, present and active parent and I handle it gracefully even though the crown is heavy.

I am so damn proud of me for overcoming 100% of my bad days.

I am just particularly proud that no matter what I mention that gets done, I do it SOLO.

Isn’t it funny how I get to run around for 3 days making last minute preparations, driving from one place to the other picking up things, staying up late to decorate, waking up early to bake his favorite snack for him to take to kindergarten, I get to do all these things and a lot more on a daily basis while the “co-parent”get to post a lot of happy birthday pictures in the early hours of the afternoon, but calls at 8pm and decides to be a “dad” for exactly 5 minutes.

So yes, I have been holding in so many tears that got released today now that the birthday is finally over and with those tears my anger has been released for now. So when I emphasize on parenting Solo, best believe that it is personal.

Let’s add another bible verse to the game shall we, Jeremiah 29:11. This is the verse of the week because I need to remind myself that there’s a plan that I am yet to understand. Still make sure to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10

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Single Motherhood

A day in the life of…… (2)

“Dont worry everything you deserve will locate you soon”! Those words have not left my mind since they got said to me few weeks ago. But what do I even deserve?

It’s almost 9pm. The little man has had dinner, taken a shower, we read a book and he’s been tucked in, ready to refill for another day. And me, I am currently operating on 3 hours of sleep because that same little man dictates my sleeping pattern and some nights are just not good.

I skipped breakfast, technically skipped lunch because between getting ready in the morning, dropping him off at school, rushing to the other side of town for work, most days there’s just not enough time for breakfast.

There’s no time for lunch either because working only 6 hours daily doesn’t permit me to take breaks. So I normally just settle for a very late lunch/ early dinner and maybe a snack before bed.

It is 9:05pm and I realize that I’m fucked. Of course I am the one who’s fucked. School is closed for little man next week and I have pedagogical days at work…. Ain’t that great…..that basically means I cannot take the week off work.

I forgot. Or it just didn’t sink into my brain on time, either way I am left to find alternatives on my own. Again. Where is the co-parent when you need him, aahhh yes living the comfortable life.

“I just don’t want you to be going through stuff and you’re not telling me”, I laugh it off because at this point I’m not just going through stuff but stuff is also going through me 😂.

It’s not that I’m going through stuff, it is just that my racing mind never reaches its destination.

It’s not that I’m going through stuff but how do I explain that I’m somehow on the verge of breaking down because I find myself in this hamster wheel that has to keep spinning.

However, whose fault is it, I should have chosen better for myself when I had the chance, that’s what I’ve been told and that’s what I catch myself believing sometimes. I should have chosen better.

Isaiah 60:22. I repeat that to myself and somehow wait to fight another day until it’s my turn to receive everything I deserve because psalm 23 says that goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life so I believe that whatever this is, it produces perseverance and that perseverance produces character and in turn hope.

So that hamster wheel will keep spinning and it will come to an end some day but for now we run.

Btw you see that psalm 23, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. “All the days of my life”, I can’t even dodge the goodness coming my day even if I wanted to and neither can you. So keep running in your hamster wheel because when that goodness hits you, it will be glorious. Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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A trip down memory lane

I went back home briefly over the weekend. Lol can I even call it home

I want back to the city I used to live in with my family. Usually when I go back, it’s to either drop my kid or see my sister and for both reasons, I’m always either in and out within hours and my sister lives outside the city so I take a different route. This time however, this time I walked down the road I used to take to get to school and I didn’t think it would affect me this much.

All I could about was the transition from being a child growing up with a loving family to coming tonGermany living in hostile, unloving environment and having to quickly grow up.

When did it get so bad that school became an escape. Leaving the house was all I could think about. I would leave the house early but take the longer route to get home. How hostile it must have been that we all wanted to be anywhere but home…

I was promised a better education no doubt. But I was also promised love and care. I was promised protection. I was a child. I should have been loved and protected. He should have made sure of that but instead here we are.

Looking back I used to wonder what I did wrong. What was wrong with me. Why couldn’t he just love me. Sometimes I still think there must be something wrong with me. I must be doing something wrong because why won’t my parent love me. Why was it so easy for him to not speak to me for over 5 years.

In as much as I don’t believe it’s my duty to repair this relationship, I am aware that it is paramount that we speak. It is paramount because my inner child needs healing to be able to flourish fully. It is paramount because I know that deep down, that is where my fear of rejection lies. Above all it is paramount because I need my dad. My inner child needs her father to sometimes calm her raging mind. My inner child needs her father to sometimes remind her that he’s proud. My inner child needs her father to give her some encouragement from time to time. My inner child needs parental reassurance, a hug or just to know that everything’s going to be ok.

No matter how accustomed I am to living life without him, my adult self also needs her father. Let’s all chin up and read Isaiah 41:10

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Single Motherhood

Diary of a single mother….

I had one of those week. where I had to remind myself that I am genuinely a good person.

To all the women who have partners present to comfort you when you’re sad and overwhelmed, how does it feel to be God’s favorite!? I had to sleep on my cold bed, crying myself to sleep ALONE….imagine that

With me it’s like it’s not just one thing that goes wrong, everything goes wrong simultaneously. Every possible thing you can think of that will affect my mental health, will go wrong at the same time and I don’t even have the luxury of locking myself up in my house and crying so I have to wait til night time. Even that is exhausting. Imagine having to hold your tears throughout the day because my mini human can’t see me cry.

Nobody talks about the grief that comes after you’ve set certain boundaries. You go from knowing you’re doing the best for yourself to questioning if that really was a good decision. In my case I set boundaries and question if the decisions I made were in the best interest for my son. If you know me, you know I’m an over thinker and I have anxiety so I pick apart every little detail, every interaction, every step…..forgetting that I’m not just making decisions for him but also making decisions to protect myself. I instantly feel bad if the decision I took also had my best interest at heart because in my world it’s all about him and if I don’t do the right thing, nobody does….if I make a mistake his future depends on it….

But when dealing with an uncooperative co-parent, sometimes you have to make firm decisions and stand by them.

I feel perpetual exhaustion, not because I’m working so hard (which I also am!) but because it’s so many responsibilities on my tiny shoulders and I have nobody to give some to…

I felt this perpetual tiredness this week because it seems as though my reaction to everything was plain wrong…

I felt this sharp pain when someone said that my heart was made of stone…..

One thing you cannot take away from human beings is the fact that someone will do something to you and turn around to point fingers at your reactions because your reaction is not beneficial to them. That “I did what I did at your expense but please heal on your own because I’m tired of hearing you speak about it”. I didn’t choose my brain, I didn’t choose to be an over thinker, I don’t want my brain to process things the way it does but that’s just how I’m wired and clearly I’m not that far in my healing journey to program it otherwise…..

It almost feels like I am cursed to deal with everything alone. But whatever I am feeling right now has to be tossed to the side because I have work tomorrow…..

I should probably go back on bended knees and ask the Lord for some strength and if he wishes he can throw in some razzle dazzle and show me my future, atleast so I know if it’ll be worth it……Maybe I’ll feel differently in the morning but until then…..read Isaiah 41:10 for the two of us because I think I am fighting with God. I know he does everything in his own time but the human in me is tired.

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Love and Romantic Relationships

Love Love Love 3: Valentine’s Day

Listen… if you know me, you already know how much I love me some love. I’m just smiling really….. Happy Valentine’s Day my lovelies, I sure hope you all went all out for your romantic partners. I for one wasn’t so lucky but I feel so much better now. I just got off the phone with my sisters and they clearly had a blast.

I love all the valentine content I’m seeing on social media, I’m loving the pictures I got from my friends. People are going all out this year and I am loving it. Is it all the bouquets of flowers, the rooms decorated in red roses, the long distance boyfriends and girlfriends doing special deliveries, making sure their partners are happy….I’m loving all of it and I am here for it. Enjoy it. I hope the love continues tomorrow and forever.

And for all of you hiding your boyfriend’s face….. you think you’re mature init😂

For the chronic single ones, who don’t have a bae, better luck next year

For the ones who are in relationships yet didn’t get spoiled… I have no words, are you not embarrassed because I am embarrassed for you 😂

For those in relationships but claim they don’t celebrate Val’s day, well you don’t celebrate Val’s day but yet you also got nothing for Christmas and your birthday, Sir, Ma’am sorry to break it to you but your partner don’t like you. These ones be claiming “valentine’s day is just another day” ok but did you get flowers on March 24 tho?? So what’s your point

For all of us that nobody posted, no gifts, no sweet messages, no office deliveries, no I love you, no you are the light of my life, no I miss you, I wish you were here, no late night calls…..just existing baby girl, show yourself some self love. Don’t be like my friend who’s currently sipping her tears in self pity 😂 it’s not the end of the world. Call a friend, there’s always next years and you have the rest of the year to find your suitable bae. If that doesn’t work out, we can all have a GALentines day. Turn on some candles, listen to some music. Whatever you do, remember to read Isaiah 41:10 because clearly he’s the only one who’s gon spoil us at this point.

You wish this was you huh
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One thing I’m too old for….

Is there anything you feel too old to do anymore?

I feel too old to repeat myself to another grown adult. Unfortunately I’m that type of person to give people, especially romantic partners, chance after chance because you’re holding on to that little bit of hope.

However I feel so drained after repeating myself. You definitely heard me the first time. You heard me the second time. Although I know that my selfworth isn’t tied to my friends or my partner, I sometimes wonder if I’m just not good enough. It’s something I’ve battled with for a long time now because I ask myself why can’t they hear me, why can’t they see me. What can I do differently for them to consider my feelings but in reality a lot of times it is the opposite actually. They aren’t good enough for me. They aren’t special, it’s my love for them that makes them appear more special in my eyes.

In reality people battle demons that has nothing to do with you. People need their ego stroked, men especially. But you know what I am not God and my mercies don’t endured forever.