My Red Flag

As human beings we all have our strengths, weaknesses, flaws, red flags, however you choose to label these things. Fact is, we all have them. Let me tell you about one of my “flaws” that is definitely a major red flag.

You see when the bible said we should forgive and FORGET. Yeah, I don’t think I was listening. I certainly do not forget. I don’t even know if I truly forgive or if at some point, I’m just like whatever. But I don’t forget. I know I’m working on it.

Now how did I get to this point you may wonder…..Adele!

Adele released her new single, easy on me, and I have been in my feelings ever since. Its not really about the song but it’s the tone that Adele sets with her voice and the whole atmosphere.

Whenever I listen to Adele, trust me I am going through an imaginary divorce in my head. Picture all the RnB videos from back in the day, me in a train, its training and I’m looking out the window and picturing how everything went down? You get the picture…that’s how dramatic I am.

So, since Adele released her single she has basically been on repeat. I’ve abused all the songs that I like and each time a different heartbreaking scenario comes up and this one time something came up in my head that I should have just let go but I entertained the thought and that’s how I hurt my own feelings (I wish I could insert emojis).

A few posts ago I mentioned this guy who exchanged inappropriate messages with his ex and one part of the message stood out. “I’ve been thinking about you”….Can we just have a moment of silence for me because my feelings was hurt. That sentence broke me. And in that moment as I’m listening to Adele pretending to be heartbroken, the heartbreak became real. I was right back in that moment when I found out and it all went slo-mo. I needed a minute to sit down and breath and remind myself that, his behavior had nothing to do with me because its very easy for me to get in a cycle of self-sabotage and self-doubt.

And this is how I know that I don’t forget because as soon as I allowed myself to get in that mood, that I had no business entertaining, I had everything vividly in my mind like it happened yesterday. I thought of all the times where I felt like I was being treated unfairly by anyone, not just this person.

Me not being a person who doesn’t forget, I can definitely tell you what happened on the 15. August 2002. I can break down what you said, how you said it and how it came about and if it is something that cut me deeply, I will be right back in that moment, feeling everything that I was feeling, and I will let it linger.

Me not being able to forget keeps me very cautious. I am very particular about the people I let in my life. on the other hand, being too cautious isn’t always good either. I don’t trust people easily, especially when it comes to working through things after something has happened. I’m not big on giving people chances and when I do, I hold on to things very long for the fear that the person will do me the same again. I have built this wall around me and its hard to get through, I am not going to lie about that. I am not someone who sees the best in everybody.

Now, I can blame this on the things that have happened to me in the past, and yes they may have contributed to me becoming like this but at some point we all have to take responsibility and be accountable for our actions.

Although this is something I’m working on, sometimes, I still think about that sentence and feel some type of way because I wonder if it was me, but I know it wasn’t.

Don’t be like me. Let things go so you can enjoy life, so you can enjoy your friendships and your romantic relationships. Make sure you forgive 77 times like Jesus said to peter, and make sure you forget once you’ve forgiven. And if you’re like me and you struggle with that, may God help us. Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10