A Letter to my estranged Father

Hey Dad…..

It feels very strange calling you “Dad”. Lately when Sarah, Patricia and I speak about you, i tend to call you by your name. It feels more normal. So allow me to start this again

Hey Gabriel,

Isn’t it sad that it feels more normal to call you that? I was listening to “dance with my father again” by Luther Vandross and I thought of you. I hope you are doing well.

We haven’t spoken since November 2017, can you imagine that. In all honesty I miss you sometimes. I wish we had a better relationship. I wish I could pick up my phone and call you at any time. I wish I could come for weekends. I wish I could call for advice when I need it. I wish I could call for comfort when I need it. But you’ve never been that kind of a father.

We hardly saw you. You know sometimes I wonder, why did you take me away from my mother, the happy childhood that I had, just to neglect me and not be there. What was the hassle for? I guess you had good intentions at the time.

I have so much to say and I wish we could have an open conversation about this without you feeling attacked.

I am sorry. I am sorry I wasn’t able to live up to your expectations. I am sorry I caused you so much headache with my poor life decisions. I am sorry I didn’t turn out like the daughter you imagined you would have. I am sorry I turned out to be such a disappointment to you.

You know for a long time I believed you. I believed that I was not intelligent enough. Good enough. I believed that I would amount to nothing and sometimes I still do. I have developed this huge fear of not making it in life. Hell I don’t even know what that means but I am so scared of being a failure. Truth is I feel like a failure right now.

I forgive you too. I forgive you for not being the father I ever thought of having. I forgive you for the lies you made me believe about myself because from this day, I no longer believe those word. I forgive you for letting me fend for myself at a tender age. I forgive you for not being emotionally available. I forgive you for ripping me away from the good childhood that I had. I forgive you for not coming to see at the hospital when I gave birth.

Imagine you have a grandson that you’ve never met. I wish my son knew his family. I love how close he is with his dad’s side. I wish he was that close to you, considering the fact that you’re not even far away.

Maybe one day I will get over my fear of you rejecting me a second time and I will call you. I don’t know what I would say to you. Maybe I won’t say a thing, just to hear your voice.

If getting married is in my cards then I hope you walk me down the aisle. I hope we get to a point where you call me, not to see me but to see your grandson. I hope I can drop him at yours for the weekend.

So let me do this again for the last time…..

Hey Dad,

I miss you.

With Love,

Your first daughter, Glodie