Random Thoughts

I had this whole topic planned, talking about success and what it meant to me, to us…..but that will have to wait. As much as I encourage you to be happy, celebrate yourself and your little milestones and taking it one day at a time, I am just human myself and I have bad days…..I suppose this is one of them so I will just share what is on my mind.

Isn’t life funny. It comes at you fast. One day friends become family and family become strangers. In my whole life, my dad has told me that he is proud of me only once! I was 18/19. I have spent so many years looking for acceptance and approval from this man and it never came. Well, I still do not have it, and even though I have made peace with not having his approval, his love or whatever it is a father gives his daughter, I still wish I had it. I wish my father would tell me that he loves me and that he is proud of me. It hurts when people you would have never given up on, give up on you. I feel that way sometimes with some people. C´est la vie, I suppose. People come and people go. Even people you thought would not leave. “call him” some of you may think, well sometimes bridges must get burnt and those bridges need to remain burnt because there are certain things you cannot afford to go back to and this is not just referring to the situation with my father but in all situations. Sometimes people let you down so bad, they are best loved from afar.

I miss my mum. I wish she could hug me and tell me everything will be just fine. I wish she could hold me and tell me to hold on. Hold me when I break down when I lose my battles. I guess that is not in the cards either, so here I find myself one more time, fighting my battles and seeing myself lose. Desperate in search of the strength to hold on and push through and I cannot find it.

When my relationship ended, I mourned the fact that my son will not grow up in the same household with both his parents. I desperately wanted that for him since I did not have it. I guess that was not in the cards either. Now I just want him to grow in a healthy environment. Funny how desires change over time and how we adjust to them. I just wish for him to be happy and grow in a healthy environment. Weather a husband is in the cards for me or not, I want my son to grow up in a healthy environment. I have this multiple times in a short paragraph, that is how crucial it is.

Me? What about me? I want to be happy. Live in my truth. I just want every good thing I deserve. I do not know what that will look like, but I hope that one is at least in my cards. So, when you see me with everything I will have then, know that I deserve it because I have been through nights like this and I held on and waited till it was my turn. There are so many other things in my mind, but I guess this is long enough. Normally I would tell you to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10 but today I must chin up and read Isaiah 41:10 because I need to hold on to that verse to be able to make it till morning.