trauma – One day at a time

Betrayal trauma is not something I wish on my worst enemy. You’re anxious most of the time. That effortless peace of mind is gone. The resentment almost never goes away. You cannot look at them without thinking of the hurt they caused you.

You lose all the respect you had for them. You question your self worth. But eventually you get over it. Your wounds heal, you don’t feel the constant depression anymore.

But the Love is not the same. The respect isn’t either because you’ve seen what they are capable of. The cracks unfortunately are only ignored and never forgotten…..

But on a random Tuesday it will hit you and you’ll get triggered again, you’ll bring it up the first few months perhaps. Eventually you won’t bring it up anymore, you’ll learn to get through your trigger a little better each time, you’ll learn to compartmentalize it better in your brain……..

Eventually you may even get better at pretending it never happened…..until that random Tuesday comes and you’re glaring at the cracks in your foundation and you realize the trust will never be effortless again…….and so the cycle continues…….

Has anyone been through something so traumatic, it shaped your whole character??

You guessed it; we all have right. I was recently told that I do not let people talk. And that was an accurate statement.

Up until the age of 12, I grew up in a very loving environment. I was loved, I felt heard, I felt seen, every positive thing you can think of.

Then I moved to an environment, where suddenly, I was being silenced. An environment, where I was meant to be seen and not heard. An environment, where I dared not have an opinion and certainly not voice it. I was to be seen when I was needed to run an errand or do chores. I was to accept whatever doctrine that was passed down to me. I was to accept whatever profession that was chosen for me. Whatever punishment that was given to me without being able to defend myself.

And you never know how your childhood shapes you, until you are forced to face these things in whatever relationship you find yourself in, especially romantic ones.

Recently I was told, I don’t let people talk in an argument. Furthermore, that it was my tactic. And I had to pause for a moment.

I recognize that I actually don’t. However, it is not a tactic. I don’t do it intentionally.

I had been accustomed to not feeling seen and heard that now I feel the need to explain myself repeatedly because I never feel understood. Now whether or not the other person is understanding my point is irrelevant in this situation. I have put in my head that this person does not understand what I am saying and therefore I must repeat myself until I feel heard.

This attribute does however the exact opposite of what I’m intending. Regardless of how often I try to get my point across, my partner only understands criticism and I leave the impression that I’m pointing a finger at my partner’s wrongdoing when in essence it’s not my intention. But we don’t always see people’s intentions, it’s the actions that we see.

Irrespective of the situation, my instant trauma response is to either overcompensate or to shut down, both go into the extreme, there’s no between. Its not always healthy. Do I want to work on it? Yes. Do I succeed all the time? Definitely Not. But we move and keep on working on these negative traits. After all, aren’t we all a work in progress???

The first step is to recognize that these character traits exist and work on deconstructing them step by step. How, you may ask, I have no idea. when i figure it out, I promise to share.

Maybe we can talk about another trauma response of mine next time? Until then, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.