struggle – One day at a time

I Am (Not) Strong

I am very certain that people who commit suicide don’t unalive themselves because they don’t want to live. Staying alive, however, is pretty tough when the tunnel seems to be very dark, with no sign of any light at the end of it.

Nobody really talks about how difficult it is to stay running this marathon called life, because life surely ain’t no 100m sprint, it’s a marathon. A never ending one at that. You have to keep running until you take your last breath.

We glamorize the destination, and a lot of times minimize and dismiss the courage it takes to stay in the race.

Phrases like “you re so strong” or “you’re not alone”… I mean yes, I get it. But how do you explain to someone that its going to get better when everything is looking dark and there seems to be no way out.

I am not alone yet whenever I find myself in a dark cloud, I am always alone. Try reaching my generation through a phone call (myself included), its most likely not going to happen.

How do you explain to me that I am not a burden to you when each time I express myself, you dismiss me. You minimize my feelings and in the end, I regret ever wanting to open up to you in the first place.

“You are so strong” Bullshit. I am definitely not strong. I don’t even want to be at this point.

Am I strong or am I just holding on because I have child. The same child who drains me, is the same reason why I haven’t let go all these years.

I am not strong. I don’t want to be.

I have broken down way too many times than I can count just in the space of one week yet no avenue to let it out because the same people who assure you, they’re there for you are the same people who desert you when the going gets tough, suddenly you find out you are the only tough one who keeps going.

No, I am not strong, and I really do not want to be. At this point.

I had a major meltdown. Sweaty palm, shaky hands, heart beating fast. BP rising, shaky legs, couldn’t stay still, just pacing around my apartment. Almost the whole night.

When all the tears had dried up and I finally summoned the courage to look at my reflection in the mirror, I asked myself, is it worth it. I mean being alive is becoming quite expensive.

No. I am not strong. And I really do not want to be. At this point.

I am a delicate flower and I want to be treated like an egg. An egg that can break at any point so please be gentle with me.

I am expected to wake up in less than 6 hours, put a smile on my face and function. And of course, I will function because that is what it takes to stay running this race. I will function because I cannot afford to not function.

I would tell you to read Isaiah 41:10 but I haven’t read it in a while. Maybe I should, and so should you.

Complaining Series….

You know how they say, “don’t let your bad days trick you into thinking you have a bad life” Hmmmm I have been trying to remind myself of that lately

See since this Pandemic started, I don’t want to sound ungrateful but Argh the universe has just been against me.

Just in case you haven’t noticed it yet, yes this is a complaining post. Yes, I am complaining. This is the purpose of this my blog after all

You know when you feel like everything is just going wrong. Every aspect of your life is just not going the way it is supposed to go. Its like God has forgotten me or what. Or is he not hearing my prayers, or he’s punishing me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m cursed or if any of my parents are and its just following me because I can’t think of anything in this life that I could have done, that would justify this hardship. I AM TIRED.

See I am ready to be a baby girl and live the baby girl lifestyle. I am tired of working on my own and hustling and having to spend my own money. I am tired of adulthood. It’s a scam. My mother warned me but I refused to listen. Hell even my dad warned me and I still didn’t heed to his advice. I should have stayed in my mother’s womb.

What I want now is just to relax and be taken care off. I am ready to shake my ass on a yacht in Dubai. In a thong (Shoutout to Nella Rose). I am ready to put my feet up and just sip on some overpriced champagne and do nothing. I am ready for someone to take my responsibilities and make them theirs.

Ok fine, I’m getting carried away by my dramatics, but you get the point.

It just feels like no matter how much I pray, no matter how much I worship, it keeps falling on deaf ears. All my mates are legit moving forward in life. At least that’s what it feels like. My mates that are doing it, do they have two heads and yes, I said that in the most African way possible.

You see that quote about not being tricked into thinking you’re having a bad life, yeah please someone should take it upon themselves to remind me because it sure as hell seems like it.

Normally, I would tell you to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10, which I still am. However I need that chinning up as well because my chin is definitely not up !