Tag: Selfworth

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Lessons from Love: Embracing Self-Discovery and Growth

There was a time when I thought love was about holding on and holding down. Clutching tightly, even when my fingers were sore. Even when the rope burned and it unraveled me.

He was not all bad. In fact he was – he is a good man. He made me laugh. He knew how I liked my food. He knew I liked quiet mornings…. He knew me well enough– Atleast I’d like to think so.

But I guess, love isn’t enough. Not when it’s uneven. Not when you forget your own name while trying to fit into somebody else’s story. This is not a bitter blog post. This is not about dragging a man’s name through the mud – I would never do that. It is not about blame, shame or receipts. Its about choosing myself, finally, and not feeling guilty about it.

There were moments I thought leaving would break me. That i’d drown in quiet evenings and empty beds. And honestly, it did break me and I sometimes still drown in quiet evenings and empty beds.

However, what really broke me was staying too long in rooms that didn’t know how to hold me. Where I shrank myself into something smaller, quieter, easier to love.

And still, I do not hate him. He was a chapter. A very multi faceted chapter. Not the whole book. He was a lesson, not a life sentence.

I am learning to love the version of me that love(d) him while still loving the version of me that had to walk away. That Woman – I admire her. She is brave. She is rising and she has stood on business ever since.

And yet, I don’t wish him pain. I hope he grows. I pray he gets everything that his heart desires. I hope he finds joy and love. Because Me? I’m over here finding myself again. Learning to dance in my own skin. Learning to be comfortable in this uncomfortable silence. Learning to choose myself even when it means disappointing others. Learning to validate my feelings. Learning accountability because I too was not perfect. Learning to be comfortable in this discomfort and just take it one day at a time.

I don’t hate the man that I spent years with. But I love me more. And that’s the whole truth. That’s the freedom. That’s the poem. The goal is to be my own muse and I believe the rest will follow.

Does this mean I have given up on love? – I could never. But I guess the fairy tale has not been in the cards for me yet. I hope I find it someday. But until then, I’ll be here, loving myself through any and every uncomfortable phase life throws at me.

There was a time when I thought love was about holding on and holding down. Clutching tightly even my fingers were sore. But now I know , real love doesn’t ask you to lose yourself to keep it. Real love considers. Real love sees. Real love hears. Just like the saying goes – To be loved is to be known. Real love is service.

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Reminder: Stop comparing your journey….

Last week, I was given a reminder that I wasn’t as far in life as my mates. Now I felt sorry for myself for a hot minute. I mean they were right. My mates are having master’s and phd degrees while I’m still struggling with common bachelors….. My mates are opening businesses, earning 5 figures and here I am not being focused on what’s important.

At this point let me reiterate how important it is that you know yourself and believe in your journey because if you don’t, you give people the power to speak about you. To speak about a journey they know nothing about because they haven’t walked a day in your shoes.

I will admit that this is something I struggle with. This is something I’ve always struggled with and in the midst of me having allowed someone else’s baseless words to penetrate my thoughts, i began to compare myself to others.

I shared my feelings with a very close friend of mine and she gave me some pretty reminders, she said to me:

“Will you stop that right now. I can’t remember them birthing babies, raising them, getting out of a difficult relationship, no backing from parents whatsoever. Building life afresh with a child with all its hurdles. Exactly I see no room for comparison here”

And yes at first I was shocked that my friend could speak so much sense 😂

But it flipped the script for me because I needed that reminder. Yes I may have not gotten my first degree yet, yes in society’s eyes I may be delayed but I got reminded that I am still here. At some point broken, but I am still here. And I’m not backing down. I got reminded that I was resilience. That indeed I hold my own weight alone, nobody was holding my hand. Nobody was patting me on the shoulder.

This is my reminder to you that none of us have walked a day in your shoes so our opinion of you doesn’t matter. I urge you to block out anything that makes you feel less than what you’re actually worth. Don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s because we’re all on this earth to fulfill different purposes. Stand firm in your decisions and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for choosing what you think is right.

I could write a book about having and dealing with low self esteem because everyone else’s life looks so brilliant on the outside. Everyone around you seems like they are doing big things in their respective career paths. Everyone is getting married and having babies. Friends are starting businesses and making money and yet there you are, still at the same spot. If anything, it seems like you’ve taken steps back. I deal with these feelings everyday. But don’t let it fool you. I believe everything is turn by turn and it comes in seasons so stand firm on your ground and your prayers because your season will surely come. This week I stood firm on Habakuk 2:3. Make sure you read it and don’t forget, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Generation Fuck’d up

I woke up this morning thinking of how messed up and selfish this generation of ours is, myself included.

I shared these few points on my Instagram story, but I thought I’d share it here as well.

So here we go, Welcome to Generation Fuck’d up

Welcome to a generation, where showing affection and actual feelings is considered weak.

Welcome to a generation, where going out of your way to show up for your S/O is considered simping.

Welcome to a generation, where men need DNA tests for their kids and women need to somehow make peace with the fact that almost every man will cheat because nobody wants to be faithful.

Welcome to a generation, where everyone wants to feel love, but nobody can actually bring themselves to say words “I Love You” because it doesn’t come easy to us.

Welcome to a generation where words and actions don’t align.

Welcome to a generation where everyone wants romance, but nobody wants to be romantic (first).

Welcome to a generation, where a single dad is considered hardworking but a single mum? How dare she not have known better.

Welcome to a generation, where everyone believes they don’t owe anyone anything.

Welcome to a generation, where explaining yourself to your S/O is now seen as being controlled.

Welcome to a generation, where nobody wants to work or fight for anything because we believe in toxic mental health awareness.

Welcome to a generation, where in theory men are allowed to be vulnerable but once they do, we chastise them for it.

Welcome to a generation where we all want to take but we don’t want to give.

And finally, Welcome to a generation, where most of us are all fuck’d up and selfish.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk, continue reading Isaiah 41:10.

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It’s ok to expect certain things from certain people.

“Nobody owes to anything”- I call BS on that. This useless mentality that you don’t owe nobody anything destroys a lot of good things.

Bare in my mind, this is just my opinion so if you do not agree, well opinions are like assholes, we all have them.

I believe that certain decisions come with baggage that you just must fulfill. Yes, to some extent, we all don’t owe anybody anything but how tragic would life be if we all lived by this mentality.

It is ok to expect certain things from certain people. The keyword here is “certain things from certain people”, please not from everybody because some people constantly disappoint. I call them career disappointers. Plus, there are certain things you just can’t expect from e.g. strangers or people who aren’t really close to you.

If someone decides its time for them to settle down, get married or whatever, your partner is allowed to expect things from you and you my friend should be able to deliver at least the basic things. Like loyalty/faithfulness, trust, commitment, communication etc. These are certain things that automatically come with the decision of wanting to settle down with one person and have a committed relationship.

If someone decides to keep a child and raise, you as a parent owe that child everything it needs to grow until the child gets to a certain age where he/she can fend for themselves. Its doesn’t always go without saying that things are going to be easy but the least you can do is try and do your best.

You owe any kind of relationship, that’s important to you, nurturing. You owe it to your friends to be there for them. Your friends should expect you to be there for them because if that relationship is not serving its purpose, then what’s the point?

Every relationship is a give and take. In a fair world, what you put in, is what you get out.

However, know the people you are expecting things from. I have certain that I’ve stopped calling when I need something urgently. Yes, I get disappointed when I feel the need to talk or share something heavy and I call and they don’t pick (especially because these are people who always have their phones in their hands and always like stuff on Instagram in 0.2 seconds but whenever I call, they coincidentally never pick) and that’s ok, at least I have learnt to shift my expectations to somewhere else. I know exactly who I can call when I need something in 0.2 seconds.

Yes, it is true, you get disappointed when you expect things from people. And its ok for people to disappoint. We are human beings after all. Sometimes we need time to ourselves but when they constantly disappoint you in a certain department then maybe its time to shift focus or address the issue, if it hasn’t been addressed before?

Point is, a healthy amount of expectation is ok to have in any form of relationship. Just don’t expect (too much) from the wrong people. Now, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Don’t be stingy with your support

I’ve had this conversation with multiple people and no matter how many times we talk about this topic, we shall never make headway.

Why is it so difficult for friends and family to support you?

I started my Blog in December and to be honest, I am positively overwhelmed by the amount of love and feedback I have gotten so far. However, most of the love and feedback and ACTIVE support does not come from the people closest to me.

My friends read it and sometimes when they feel like it, a few friends share posts they like. I am not going to sit here and make it seem as if I haven’t had support from my friends, but you know the support that you need for something to blow up or for a business to succeed or whatever, yeah no. its not that kind of support.

I’ve always wondered the reason behind the discrepancy between them telling you they support you, and them actually showing you the support when you need it.

Is it jealousy? Envy? Competition? Because some of your closest folks are turn out to be your biggest haters.

Whatever the reason may be, I believe familiarity plays an immense role in this. We tend to take those around us for granted because we know them. We see them all the time. We have access to them. Whether conscious or unconsciously we just tend to take our loved ones for granted.

Any time I do a poll on Instagram most of the people that respond and engage are people that aren’t close to me. Most of the feedback I get are from people who I never thought would even read my blog but my closest are all legally blind when it comes to engagement.

See my advice is this, just do you honey. Because if you wait for friends and family to support you, thou shall only be hearing crickets……

Can you hear that…….. PURE CRICKETS! So, start that business, take that course, write that book, take that exam, apply for that job, take that calculated risk that you’ve been yearning to take because if you wait for somebody to support you, sorry to break it to you love, but the most support you’re going to get will most likely be from a stranger.

And you have to start somewhere for that stranger to see your work, right?

So, I leave you with this, support your friends’ businesses, don’t be an egoistic supporter. Don’t be an undercover hater. You supporting others, doesn’t diminish your own business ventures. Don’t just let them know you support them, show them by supporting in any way that you can. Supports come in different ways, so if you can’t spend coins, just support however else you can. Myself included.

And if you ever find yourself becoming envious and jealous of other people because they are excelling, kindly put your hand on your heart and say “Father forgive me, for I am witch/wizard”. Now chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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My Red Flag

As human beings we all have our strengths, weaknesses, flaws, red flags, however you choose to label these things. Fact is, we all have them. Let me tell you about one of my “flaws” that is definitely a major red flag.

You see when the bible said we should forgive and FORGET. Yeah, I don’t think I was listening. I certainly do not forget. I don’t even know if I truly forgive or if at some point, I’m just like whatever. But I don’t forget. I know I’m working on it.

Now how did I get to this point you may wonder…..Adele!

Adele released her new single, easy on me, and I have been in my feelings ever since. Its not really about the song but it’s the tone that Adele sets with her voice and the whole atmosphere.

Whenever I listen to Adele, trust me I am going through an imaginary divorce in my head. Picture all the RnB videos from back in the day, me in a train, its training and I’m looking out the window and picturing how everything went down? You get the picture…that’s how dramatic I am.

So, since Adele released her single she has basically been on repeat. I’ve abused all the songs that I like and each time a different heartbreaking scenario comes up and this one time something came up in my head that I should have just let go but I entertained the thought and that’s how I hurt my own feelings (I wish I could insert emojis).

A few posts ago I mentioned this guy who exchanged inappropriate messages with his ex and one part of the message stood out. “I’ve been thinking about you”….Can we just have a moment of silence for me because my feelings was hurt. That sentence broke me. And in that moment as I’m listening to Adele pretending to be heartbroken, the heartbreak became real. I was right back in that moment when I found out and it all went slo-mo. I needed a minute to sit down and breath and remind myself that, his behavior had nothing to do with me because its very easy for me to get in a cycle of self-sabotage and self-doubt.

And this is how I know that I don’t forget because as soon as I allowed myself to get in that mood, that I had no business entertaining, I had everything vividly in my mind like it happened yesterday. I thought of all the times where I felt like I was being treated unfairly by anyone, not just this person.

Me not being a person who doesn’t forget, I can definitely tell you what happened on the 15. August 2002. I can break down what you said, how you said it and how it came about and if it is something that cut me deeply, I will be right back in that moment, feeling everything that I was feeling, and I will let it linger.

Me not being able to forget keeps me very cautious. I am very particular about the people I let in my life. on the other hand, being too cautious isn’t always good either. I don’t trust people easily, especially when it comes to working through things after something has happened. I’m not big on giving people chances and when I do, I hold on to things very long for the fear that the person will do me the same again. I have built this wall around me and its hard to get through, I am not going to lie about that. I am not someone who sees the best in everybody.

Now, I can blame this on the things that have happened to me in the past, and yes they may have contributed to me becoming like this but at some point we all have to take responsibility and be accountable for our actions.

Although this is something I’m working on, sometimes, I still think about that sentence and feel some type of way because I wonder if it was me, but I know it wasn’t.

Don’t be like me. Let things go so you can enjoy life, so you can enjoy your friendships and your romantic relationships. Make sure you forgive 77 times like Jesus said to peter, and make sure you forget once you’ve forgiven. And if you’re like me and you struggle with that, may God help us. Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10

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Birthday Post

I woke up a few days ago and I felt very sad. I’m grateful for the new age and I’ve definitely come a long way since last year. It’s been a lot of growth, accountability, tears, everything you can think of. And yes, sometimes I still fall short but I’m definitely not where I was a year ago.

I woke up feeling sad because I missed the little girl who always got a new outfit and a party every year. My mum used to throw me a party every year.

As soon as the clock hit midnight, she would her hands on my head, pray for me then anoint my head with anointing oil. I miss those days.

I miss being a kid without responsibilities.

I miss being a daughter. I miss my mother.

I miss her hugs. And Yes, we talk over the phone but it will never be the same.

Her level of effort on my birthdays was unmatched. I don’t know how she did it but she always came through and that’s what I miss.

I look back at these last years and all the battles, some of which I’ve lost, through all my tears, I just wish she could hold my hand through it all.

In as much as I miss all these things, it is my birthday after all, and I am still grateful.

I am grateful for life. For family, for friends, for everything that I have while working on the things I want to achieve.

I am grateful because I am living in one of my prayers while God is working on the next miracle at his own time.

I am grateful for what has gone my way and for the things that didn’t go my way.

I am grateful for growth. And I hope someone throws me a surprise party. (A girl can dream right). Now don’t forget to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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My Prayer: Proverbs 31

I was speaking to an old friend who was asking about my dating life. Then the question came up, what kind of man are you looking for this time. My answer, short and simple: A Godly Man!

A few weeks ago, at bible studies, we spoke about relationships/courtships and what’s written in the bible about it. Before that session if you had asked me what I was looking for in a man, I would probably say a good man, kind, loving, a born-again Christian. It would have been a list.

That session however, made me realize that a “good man” simply won’t cut it! Yes, I said it. A good man is just not good enough. Allow me to explain.

Up until last year even, I would have called myself a good woman and therefore, a good man would have been enough. But I’ve come to the realization that I don’t want to be a good woman anymore. It’s just not enough.

I want to be a great woman. I want to be a phenomenal woman. I want to make things happen and what better way to do all those things than to just work towards becoming a godly woman. A Proverbs 31 woman.

A godly woman deserves a godly man. A man filled with the fruit of the spirit. For those who aren’t familiar with it, go read Galatians 5:22. The passage says the fruit of the IS! not the fruit of the spirit ARE. But it uses a singular term which means that a godly man/woman must have all those qualities!

Someone once said to me that I didn’t possess the characteristics of a woman. Soft, meek, nurturing, SUBMISSIVE etc.

Since I started my journey of self-discovery and self-betterment, I have realized that, that statement was totally wrong. Yes, I am a woman of strong character and I have very strong opinions and I can acknowledge the fact that it may come across as arrogance (which I am working on) but one thing is for sure I can never in this life submit to a man without a vision and a mission. Come and beat me. I said it.

I can never submit to wasted potential! I can never submit to a man who’s not striving for greatness! I can never submit to a man, who does not want to be a husband! (There’s a huge difference between a man seeking for a wife and a man who actually wants to be a husband).

I can go on and on about the qualities of a godly man but then again, a godly man also deserves a godly woman.

So recently my prayer points have changed, and they have become about myself!

I pray that God makes me teachable and submissive.

Like Ruth, I pray he makes me hard-working.

Like Esther, I pray he makes me brave and courageous.

Like Rachel, I pray he makes me patient.

Like Hannah and Mary Magdalene, I pray he makes me faithful to his word.

Like Deborah, I pray he makes me a great and compassionate leader.

Above all, I pray to become a Proverbs 31 woman!

My prayer points have become about myself because I cannot demand for a man that I am not prepared for. God will not shower you with blessings when you are not ready to receive them, so I have to be prepared.

Lastly, my prayers are about myself because a godly man knows he also has work to do, which he will, and it will be between himself and God!

While you’re working on becoming a godly (wo)man, don’t forget to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Confession Time: I am learning and unlearning.

And some days I forget what it is to be gentle with myself- how to look at myself with kind eyes and speak to myself with soft words. Forget that i am my home and a temple worthy of worship.

Becca Lee

I guess I have to come to a point in my life, where I recognize that unlearning is the highest form of learning.

I believe the “learning” part is actually the easier part. Unlearning however, Not So Easy. So when starting the journey of unlearning patterns that you may have believed majority of your life, you just have to be kind and patient with yourself because that ish can be messy.

We have been conditioned to believe certain things about ourselves. we have been conditioned to believe that there may be a certain way to do certain things.

Women, for a very long time, were conditioned to believe that our self worth is tied to a man.

For a long time we believe certain things (about ourselves) that we may have learnt either from home or through experience.

If we are brave enough, we may just seek out the hidden knowledge that we’ve been conditioned to not believe. And that right there is the beginning of taking back power over your life because you uncover the seed of your authentic self.

So here are a few things I am unlearning in my journey:

I don’t always have to make my point! : Maybe it’s just me becoming more mature but I really do not have the energy to make my point anymore. A little it to a fault. Some people have already decided to misunderstand you anyways so why bother. I say OK and I keep it moving. What I am learning however, is how to set clear boundaries and stand firm on those boundaries ! That’s a form of self-care.

It’s ok for people to take 2-3 business days to get back to me. I used to hate this when I was younger but now I have become them ! Don’t judge, Adulthood is really hitting hard. What I am learning is that sometimes people are busy, sometimes people forget to text you. Sometimes people are just not in the right frame of mind to text you or call you back and that’s ok. We are adults and Adulthood is one of the most difficult hoods there is out there.

Just because I am a good person, doesn’t mean everyone will see my worth and do right by me. What I am learning however is that I am not for everyone and everyone isn’t for me. What’s most important is that I know myself and I don’t let other people determine my worth. I am learning to stand firm is what I believe myself to be. I am learning to believe in my ability to heal and get on with it no matter who chooses to stay and who chooses to leave. I am learning that I am whole by myself.

The process of unlearning a pattern that you’ve been accustomed to will not be easy. It will be messy because on some days you will fall right back into your old ways and you will have to call yourself out on your BS and get on the right track with the process and that’s ok. While you’re at it, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Girls Talk

I feel like it’s been such a while…. I hope everyone is doing great. I am ok. Not. These past two weeks have been terrible. I was not under pressure from school or anything. Ok I always am but that’s not the reason these past two weeks have been terrible. I was just really down. Something happened and it just took all my energy. But anyways let us talk about something light this time.

I met with my girls over the weekend, and we don’t get to do that all the time because two of the girls live further away, one was busy with exams, and everyone just generally trying to get through this scam called adulthood.

Meeting with my friends is always therapeutic. We hardly get the time to meet but whenever we do, it reminds me that having a good circle of friends is important because we all can’t get through life alone. We need people. And these girls have been there for me sand have always come through for me no matter what.

Anyways one of the topics that came up is of course relationship and men. So, Five of us, three with man and two with no man and of course those with man complain about their men and those without man complain that they cant find man. Not that anyone is actively looking for man, but it always seems like what we want, even those with man, is too much these days.

I am talking simple loyalty, a god fearing man, sprinkle a tiny weeny bit of romance in there, the right kind of love language. And don’t get wrong, even men be looking for “good women” these days and they don’t seem to find them, so the question came up: Where do these Instagram couples meet each other. Where do people meet these days.

It’s like men don’t know how to talk to girls these days because I cringe a lot when I see certain things. Men complain that women don’t treat them well and their efforts are taken for granted. So where does a good man meet a good woman and vice versa. It really can’t be that difficult right? Help a sister out. That ladies and gentlemen was the question of our day.

By the end of the evening, I learnt that love language is of utmost importance. Just because you say you love someone; does not mean they feel loved. We have to find the right balance between loving people the way we know and loving them the way they also would understand.

I learnt that it is ok to be happy and content on your own but also crave romantic intimacy with your own personal person. Not everyone who wants a romantic partner is lonely. I know from experience that having your own personal somebody where you feel 100% comfortable is an amazing feeling. The gossips, the inside jokes, everything.

I learnt that just because people are together doesn’t mean they are happy. But we are not ready to have that conversation. Forget that “aww they’ve been together for so long”. It’s a scam. I know quite a few relationships like this.

I learnt that what works for couple A mustn’t work for couple B. Please do you.

I learnt that it is not always the men. Sometimes women are trash !

I don’t know how many of you are having the same “issues” as my friends and I. We really cannot be the only ones who want to meet people but hardly go out and out put ourselves out there.  Don’t be like us if you want to find love. Go out and meet people and if youre like us, well may God help us.

At the end of the day, we all shall be fine. Must be fine. Until you meet your future Mr(S) perfect, Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.