Tag: selflove

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Lessons from Love: Embracing Self-Discovery and Growth

There was a time when I thought love was about holding on and holding down. Clutching tightly, even when my fingers were sore. Even when the rope burned and it unraveled me.

He was not all bad. In fact he was – he is a good man. He made me laugh. He knew how I liked my food. He knew I liked quiet mornings…. He knew me well enough– Atleast I’d like to think so.

But I guess, love isn’t enough. Not when it’s uneven. Not when you forget your own name while trying to fit into somebody else’s story. This is not a bitter blog post. This is not about dragging a man’s name through the mud – I would never do that. It is not about blame, shame or receipts. Its about choosing myself, finally, and not feeling guilty about it.

There were moments I thought leaving would break me. That i’d drown in quiet evenings and empty beds. And honestly, it did break me and I sometimes still drown in quiet evenings and empty beds.

However, what really broke me was staying too long in rooms that didn’t know how to hold me. Where I shrank myself into something smaller, quieter, easier to love.

And still, I do not hate him. He was a chapter. A very multi faceted chapter. Not the whole book. He was a lesson, not a life sentence.

I am learning to love the version of me that love(d) him while still loving the version of me that had to walk away. That Woman – I admire her. She is brave. She is rising and she has stood on business ever since.

And yet, I don’t wish him pain. I hope he grows. I pray he gets everything that his heart desires. I hope he finds joy and love. Because Me? I’m over here finding myself again. Learning to dance in my own skin. Learning to be comfortable in this uncomfortable silence. Learning to choose myself even when it means disappointing others. Learning to validate my feelings. Learning accountability because I too was not perfect. Learning to be comfortable in this discomfort and just take it one day at a time.

I don’t hate the man that I spent years with. But I love me more. And that’s the whole truth. That’s the freedom. That’s the poem. The goal is to be my own muse and I believe the rest will follow.

Does this mean I have given up on love? – I could never. But I guess the fairy tale has not been in the cards for me yet. I hope I find it someday. But until then, I’ll be here, loving myself through any and every uncomfortable phase life throws at me.

There was a time when I thought love was about holding on and holding down. Clutching tightly even my fingers were sore. But now I know , real love doesn’t ask you to lose yourself to keep it. Real love considers. Real love sees. Real love hears. Just like the saying goes – To be loved is to be known. Real love is service.

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Self-Love: Beyond Gentle Whispers and Painful Truths

They say self-love is soft, kind, a gentle whisper, a peaceful mind.

But no one speaks of how it burns, how love for self means love that turns –

Turns from hands we once held tightly, turns from voices that once felt warm at night, turns from the easy lies- the ones that beg me to compromise –

Turns from half love, offered like a gift, turns from hands that take but never give.

Self love pulls me from familiar pain, from doors I swore I’d never have to turn my back on. It pulls me from love that bends me at my feet, from words that cut but sound so sweet.

Self love makes me leave the quiet pain, the weight of staying for their sake. From the smiles that mask what’s left unsaid. From nights I cried myself to sleep.

Self love is indeed not just soft, kind, a gentle reminder, a peaceful mind. It is not just light and grace. For I acknowledge that I hold so much hurt in my heart because many times I did not love myself enough to walk away.

Self love is standing firm, it is making space. It is knowing when to turn your back, when to close the door, when to walk alone, when to leave, when to heal and when to build that home by yourself.

Although difficult at times, many times in fact, it is something we all need to master to be able to give love to others, without it consuming us.

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Reminder: Stop comparing your journey….

Last week, I was given a reminder that I wasn’t as far in life as my mates. Now I felt sorry for myself for a hot minute. I mean they were right. My mates are having master’s and phd degrees while I’m still struggling with common bachelors….. My mates are opening businesses, earning 5 figures and here I am not being focused on what’s important.

At this point let me reiterate how important it is that you know yourself and believe in your journey because if you don’t, you give people the power to speak about you. To speak about a journey they know nothing about because they haven’t walked a day in your shoes.

I will admit that this is something I struggle with. This is something I’ve always struggled with and in the midst of me having allowed someone else’s baseless words to penetrate my thoughts, i began to compare myself to others.

I shared my feelings with a very close friend of mine and she gave me some pretty reminders, she said to me:

“Will you stop that right now. I can’t remember them birthing babies, raising them, getting out of a difficult relationship, no backing from parents whatsoever. Building life afresh with a child with all its hurdles. Exactly I see no room for comparison here”

And yes at first I was shocked that my friend could speak so much sense 😂

But it flipped the script for me because I needed that reminder. Yes I may have not gotten my first degree yet, yes in society’s eyes I may be delayed but I got reminded that I am still here. At some point broken, but I am still here. And I’m not backing down. I got reminded that I was resilience. That indeed I hold my own weight alone, nobody was holding my hand. Nobody was patting me on the shoulder.

This is my reminder to you that none of us have walked a day in your shoes so our opinion of you doesn’t matter. I urge you to block out anything that makes you feel less than what you’re actually worth. Don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s because we’re all on this earth to fulfill different purposes. Stand firm in your decisions and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for choosing what you think is right.

I could write a book about having and dealing with low self esteem because everyone else’s life looks so brilliant on the outside. Everyone around you seems like they are doing big things in their respective career paths. Everyone is getting married and having babies. Friends are starting businesses and making money and yet there you are, still at the same spot. If anything, it seems like you’ve taken steps back. I deal with these feelings everyday. But don’t let it fool you. I believe everything is turn by turn and it comes in seasons so stand firm on your ground and your prayers because your season will surely come. This week I stood firm on Habakuk 2:3. Make sure you read it and don’t forget, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Show Up For Yourself

Isn’t the title already self-explanatory? It is but sometimes we still that reminder.

Two weeks ago, I got that harsh reminder that sometimes you will have to deal with stuff alone, voluntarily or involuntarily, it don’t matter. Something happened and my response was to reach out to someone and unfortunately, I felt the response I got was not appropriate. That led to a bit of back and forth but ultimately made me rethink my stand and remind myself that Sometimes people just won’t be there for you like that and its ok.

Your family, friends and lovers have lives and problems of their own. Sometimes people’s way of showing affection and concern also doesn’t always come across and therefore we lack the ability to understand their way of communication because its different from ours. Trust me, I know that for a fact!

We are all adults, and a lot of times other people are also trying to show up for themselves as well and some people just don’t have the capacity to be there for multiple people at once. Its already enough work trying to keep your mental health in an ok state when you’re battling your own demons.

So, when you find yourself in a position where people just aren’t being as supportive or encouraging as you would wish for them to be, you’ll have to depend on yourself.

Showing up for your own self may look different daily. Recognize what you need and give that to yourself.

You need space, then maybe drop your phone, turn it off, or my personal favorite, put it on do not disturb (DND).

You need a distraction, do something you love, get some work done, go to the gym, get out, vibe to some music, READ YOUR BIBLE, not the one on your phone hun, your paper bible (did y’all forget that still exists?). Isaiah 41:10-13 is always a good place to start, Romans 8:28, Joshua 1:9, Proverbs 3:5-6, i could go on but here are a few bible passages that may offer a word of encouragement.

You need a pep talk? Give it to yourself. Get in front of your mirror and tell yourself what you would like to hear.

Whatever it is you may need, never, ever give up on yourself because in the end, you are your best asset. Now go chin up and read Isaiah 41:10 and remember, you are never truly alone.

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Generation Fuck’d up

I woke up this morning thinking of how messed up and selfish this generation of ours is, myself included.

I shared these few points on my Instagram story, but I thought I’d share it here as well.

So here we go, Welcome to Generation Fuck’d up

Welcome to a generation, where showing affection and actual feelings is considered weak.

Welcome to a generation, where going out of your way to show up for your S/O is considered simping.

Welcome to a generation, where men need DNA tests for their kids and women need to somehow make peace with the fact that almost every man will cheat because nobody wants to be faithful.

Welcome to a generation, where everyone wants to feel love, but nobody can actually bring themselves to say words “I Love You” because it doesn’t come easy to us.

Welcome to a generation where words and actions don’t align.

Welcome to a generation where everyone wants romance, but nobody wants to be romantic (first).

Welcome to a generation, where a single dad is considered hardworking but a single mum? How dare she not have known better.

Welcome to a generation, where everyone believes they don’t owe anyone anything.

Welcome to a generation, where explaining yourself to your S/O is now seen as being controlled.

Welcome to a generation, where nobody wants to work or fight for anything because we believe in toxic mental health awareness.

Welcome to a generation, where in theory men are allowed to be vulnerable but once they do, we chastise them for it.

Welcome to a generation where we all want to take but we don’t want to give.

And finally, Welcome to a generation, where most of us are all fuck’d up and selfish.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk, continue reading Isaiah 41:10.

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It’s ok to expect certain things from certain people.

“Nobody owes to anything”- I call BS on that. This useless mentality that you don’t owe nobody anything destroys a lot of good things.

Bare in my mind, this is just my opinion so if you do not agree, well opinions are like assholes, we all have them.

I believe that certain decisions come with baggage that you just must fulfill. Yes, to some extent, we all don’t owe anybody anything but how tragic would life be if we all lived by this mentality.

It is ok to expect certain things from certain people. The keyword here is “certain things from certain people”, please not from everybody because some people constantly disappoint. I call them career disappointers. Plus, there are certain things you just can’t expect from e.g. strangers or people who aren’t really close to you.

If someone decides its time for them to settle down, get married or whatever, your partner is allowed to expect things from you and you my friend should be able to deliver at least the basic things. Like loyalty/faithfulness, trust, commitment, communication etc. These are certain things that automatically come with the decision of wanting to settle down with one person and have a committed relationship.

If someone decides to keep a child and raise, you as a parent owe that child everything it needs to grow until the child gets to a certain age where he/she can fend for themselves. Its doesn’t always go without saying that things are going to be easy but the least you can do is try and do your best.

You owe any kind of relationship, that’s important to you, nurturing. You owe it to your friends to be there for them. Your friends should expect you to be there for them because if that relationship is not serving its purpose, then what’s the point?

Every relationship is a give and take. In a fair world, what you put in, is what you get out.

However, know the people you are expecting things from. I have certain that I’ve stopped calling when I need something urgently. Yes, I get disappointed when I feel the need to talk or share something heavy and I call and they don’t pick (especially because these are people who always have their phones in their hands and always like stuff on Instagram in 0.2 seconds but whenever I call, they coincidentally never pick) and that’s ok, at least I have learnt to shift my expectations to somewhere else. I know exactly who I can call when I need something in 0.2 seconds.

Yes, it is true, you get disappointed when you expect things from people. And its ok for people to disappoint. We are human beings after all. Sometimes we need time to ourselves but when they constantly disappoint you in a certain department then maybe its time to shift focus or address the issue, if it hasn’t been addressed before?

Point is, a healthy amount of expectation is ok to have in any form of relationship. Just don’t expect (too much) from the wrong people. Now, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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My Red Flag

As human beings we all have our strengths, weaknesses, flaws, red flags, however you choose to label these things. Fact is, we all have them. Let me tell you about one of my “flaws” that is definitely a major red flag.

You see when the bible said we should forgive and FORGET. Yeah, I don’t think I was listening. I certainly do not forget. I don’t even know if I truly forgive or if at some point, I’m just like whatever. But I don’t forget. I know I’m working on it.

Now how did I get to this point you may wonder…..Adele!

Adele released her new single, easy on me, and I have been in my feelings ever since. Its not really about the song but it’s the tone that Adele sets with her voice and the whole atmosphere.

Whenever I listen to Adele, trust me I am going through an imaginary divorce in my head. Picture all the RnB videos from back in the day, me in a train, its training and I’m looking out the window and picturing how everything went down? You get the picture…that’s how dramatic I am.

So, since Adele released her single she has basically been on repeat. I’ve abused all the songs that I like and each time a different heartbreaking scenario comes up and this one time something came up in my head that I should have just let go but I entertained the thought and that’s how I hurt my own feelings (I wish I could insert emojis).

A few posts ago I mentioned this guy who exchanged inappropriate messages with his ex and one part of the message stood out. “I’ve been thinking about you”….Can we just have a moment of silence for me because my feelings was hurt. That sentence broke me. And in that moment as I’m listening to Adele pretending to be heartbroken, the heartbreak became real. I was right back in that moment when I found out and it all went slo-mo. I needed a minute to sit down and breath and remind myself that, his behavior had nothing to do with me because its very easy for me to get in a cycle of self-sabotage and self-doubt.

And this is how I know that I don’t forget because as soon as I allowed myself to get in that mood, that I had no business entertaining, I had everything vividly in my mind like it happened yesterday. I thought of all the times where I felt like I was being treated unfairly by anyone, not just this person.

Me not being a person who doesn’t forget, I can definitely tell you what happened on the 15. August 2002. I can break down what you said, how you said it and how it came about and if it is something that cut me deeply, I will be right back in that moment, feeling everything that I was feeling, and I will let it linger.

Me not being able to forget keeps me very cautious. I am very particular about the people I let in my life. on the other hand, being too cautious isn’t always good either. I don’t trust people easily, especially when it comes to working through things after something has happened. I’m not big on giving people chances and when I do, I hold on to things very long for the fear that the person will do me the same again. I have built this wall around me and its hard to get through, I am not going to lie about that. I am not someone who sees the best in everybody.

Now, I can blame this on the things that have happened to me in the past, and yes they may have contributed to me becoming like this but at some point we all have to take responsibility and be accountable for our actions.

Although this is something I’m working on, sometimes, I still think about that sentence and feel some type of way because I wonder if it was me, but I know it wasn’t.

Don’t be like me. Let things go so you can enjoy life, so you can enjoy your friendships and your romantic relationships. Make sure you forgive 77 times like Jesus said to peter, and make sure you forget once you’ve forgiven. And if you’re like me and you struggle with that, may God help us. Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10

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Birthday Post

I woke up a few days ago and I felt very sad. I’m grateful for the new age and I’ve definitely come a long way since last year. It’s been a lot of growth, accountability, tears, everything you can think of. And yes, sometimes I still fall short but I’m definitely not where I was a year ago.

I woke up feeling sad because I missed the little girl who always got a new outfit and a party every year. My mum used to throw me a party every year.

As soon as the clock hit midnight, she would her hands on my head, pray for me then anoint my head with anointing oil. I miss those days.

I miss being a kid without responsibilities.

I miss being a daughter. I miss my mother.

I miss her hugs. And Yes, we talk over the phone but it will never be the same.

Her level of effort on my birthdays was unmatched. I don’t know how she did it but she always came through and that’s what I miss.

I look back at these last years and all the battles, some of which I’ve lost, through all my tears, I just wish she could hold my hand through it all.

In as much as I miss all these things, it is my birthday after all, and I am still grateful.

I am grateful for life. For family, for friends, for everything that I have while working on the things I want to achieve.

I am grateful because I am living in one of my prayers while God is working on the next miracle at his own time.

I am grateful for what has gone my way and for the things that didn’t go my way.

I am grateful for growth. And I hope someone throws me a surprise party. (A girl can dream right). Now don’t forget to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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My Prayer: Proverbs 31

I was speaking to an old friend who was asking about my dating life. Then the question came up, what kind of man are you looking for this time. My answer, short and simple: A Godly Man!

A few weeks ago, at bible studies, we spoke about relationships/courtships and what’s written in the bible about it. Before that session if you had asked me what I was looking for in a man, I would probably say a good man, kind, loving, a born-again Christian. It would have been a list.

That session however, made me realize that a “good man” simply won’t cut it! Yes, I said it. A good man is just not good enough. Allow me to explain.

Up until last year even, I would have called myself a good woman and therefore, a good man would have been enough. But I’ve come to the realization that I don’t want to be a good woman anymore. It’s just not enough.

I want to be a great woman. I want to be a phenomenal woman. I want to make things happen and what better way to do all those things than to just work towards becoming a godly woman. A Proverbs 31 woman.

A godly woman deserves a godly man. A man filled with the fruit of the spirit. For those who aren’t familiar with it, go read Galatians 5:22. The passage says the fruit of the IS! not the fruit of the spirit ARE. But it uses a singular term which means that a godly man/woman must have all those qualities!

Someone once said to me that I didn’t possess the characteristics of a woman. Soft, meek, nurturing, SUBMISSIVE etc.

Since I started my journey of self-discovery and self-betterment, I have realized that, that statement was totally wrong. Yes, I am a woman of strong character and I have very strong opinions and I can acknowledge the fact that it may come across as arrogance (which I am working on) but one thing is for sure I can never in this life submit to a man without a vision and a mission. Come and beat me. I said it.

I can never submit to wasted potential! I can never submit to a man who’s not striving for greatness! I can never submit to a man, who does not want to be a husband! (There’s a huge difference between a man seeking for a wife and a man who actually wants to be a husband).

I can go on and on about the qualities of a godly man but then again, a godly man also deserves a godly woman.

So recently my prayer points have changed, and they have become about myself!

I pray that God makes me teachable and submissive.

Like Ruth, I pray he makes me hard-working.

Like Esther, I pray he makes me brave and courageous.

Like Rachel, I pray he makes me patient.

Like Hannah and Mary Magdalene, I pray he makes me faithful to his word.

Like Deborah, I pray he makes me a great and compassionate leader.

Above all, I pray to become a Proverbs 31 woman!

My prayer points have become about myself because I cannot demand for a man that I am not prepared for. God will not shower you with blessings when you are not ready to receive them, so I have to be prepared.

Lastly, my prayers are about myself because a godly man knows he also has work to do, which he will, and it will be between himself and God!

While you’re working on becoming a godly (wo)man, don’t forget to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Confession Time: I am learning and unlearning.

And some days I forget what it is to be gentle with myself- how to look at myself with kind eyes and speak to myself with soft words. Forget that i am my home and a temple worthy of worship.

Becca Lee

I guess I have to come to a point in my life, where I recognize that unlearning is the highest form of learning.

I believe the “learning” part is actually the easier part. Unlearning however, Not So Easy. So when starting the journey of unlearning patterns that you may have believed majority of your life, you just have to be kind and patient with yourself because that ish can be messy.

We have been conditioned to believe certain things about ourselves. we have been conditioned to believe that there may be a certain way to do certain things.

Women, for a very long time, were conditioned to believe that our self worth is tied to a man.

For a long time we believe certain things (about ourselves) that we may have learnt either from home or through experience.

If we are brave enough, we may just seek out the hidden knowledge that we’ve been conditioned to not believe. And that right there is the beginning of taking back power over your life because you uncover the seed of your authentic self.

So here are a few things I am unlearning in my journey:

I don’t always have to make my point! : Maybe it’s just me becoming more mature but I really do not have the energy to make my point anymore. A little it to a fault. Some people have already decided to misunderstand you anyways so why bother. I say OK and I keep it moving. What I am learning however, is how to set clear boundaries and stand firm on those boundaries ! That’s a form of self-care.

It’s ok for people to take 2-3 business days to get back to me. I used to hate this when I was younger but now I have become them ! Don’t judge, Adulthood is really hitting hard. What I am learning is that sometimes people are busy, sometimes people forget to text you. Sometimes people are just not in the right frame of mind to text you or call you back and that’s ok. We are adults and Adulthood is one of the most difficult hoods there is out there.

Just because I am a good person, doesn’t mean everyone will see my worth and do right by me. What I am learning however is that I am not for everyone and everyone isn’t for me. What’s most important is that I know myself and I don’t let other people determine my worth. I am learning to stand firm is what I believe myself to be. I am learning to believe in my ability to heal and get on with it no matter who chooses to stay and who chooses to leave. I am learning that I am whole by myself.

The process of unlearning a pattern that you’ve been accustomed to will not be easy. It will be messy because on some days you will fall right back into your old ways and you will have to call yourself out on your BS and get on the right track with the process and that’s ok. While you’re at it, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.