romance – One day at a time

Mid-Night Confessions

Its 3:25am and I cannot sleep. I haven’t been in this mood where I cry myself to sleep in a long time. I think I need a hug.

I randomly came across the song “Like my father” by Jax and the lyrics just resonate with me in so many ways. But that isn’t what made me emotional. Its just the song that finally made me bawl my eyes out.

The lyrics goes as follows:

I wanna come home to roses and dirty little notes on post-its

And when my hair starts turning grey, he’ll say I’m like a fine wine better with age

I guess I learnt it from my parents, that true love starts with friendship

A kiss on the forehead

A date night

Fake an apology after a fight

I need a man who’s patient and kind

Gets out of the car and holds the door

I wanna slow dance in the living room like we’re 18 at senior prom

And grow old with someone who makes me feel young

I need a man who loves me like, my father loves my mum.

I, unfortunately, didn’t have parents who loved each other. Or better say I never witnessed my dad love my mum, so I don’t know what that would have looked like.

Moving with my father and his wife, there was no love either, so I guess its safe to say that the bar was…. Is really low.

As a young black or African girl child, you’re taught to behave a certain way, you learn to cook by a certain age, or at least you should. You should dress modestly. Go to church. You hear stuff like “is this how you will behave in your husband’s house”. An African girl child is groomed to be a wife to a man from a very young age but who teaches these boys, who eventually turn to be the men we marry, how to love.

A girl child is groomed to be nurturing, loving, submissive. Accept whatever BS the man brings to her because well, boys will be boys.

However, why aren’t these men raised to be the men that we eventually need.

A lot of boys don’t get taught that sometimes you should buy flowers. Sometimes just a “hey babe I saw these and I thought of you” goes a really long way. Why are boys not taught that well “girls will be girls” too.

Who teaches these men that a man actually taking care of his household, not just by providing, is not him “helping”

Who teaches these men that being romantic and affectionate towards your girlfriend/fiancé/wife isn’t being a bum or a simp but taking care of your woman, which is in fact your duty, just as it is hers to do same?

Why is the boy child not allowed to vulnerable without phrases like “boys don’t cry” or “man up”- this is why we have a bunch of damaged little boys in grown men bodies who don’t know how to be vulnerable and categorize women as “emotional being” because we demand men with emotional maturity.

So many men looking for “strong” women because their definition of strength is their mother who was a miserable single married woman for her entire adulthood.

Girls are taught to love but never taught about the signs to watch out for, for when you need to stop loving. When is it the right time to stop loving a man or better still when is it the right time to stop trying and just let the man go?

Boys, however, aren’t even taught to start loving. At least most do not…..

I drifted there……

The song also made me feel lonely. I do want to come back home to roses. To little surprises and little meaningful gifts that my man bought for me because he paid attention. I do want to slow dance like I’m 18 at senior prom and grow old with a man who loves me with all his being.

However, right now, in this very moment, I just wish I could pick my phone and hear my father tell me that this is just a moment, and it will pass. Even if it didn’t work out with my mother, I’m wondering why he couldn’t love me. Why did I not get the privilege of idolizing my father because he set my bar so high. Why did I not get a kiss on the forehead? Why was he not patient and kind with me?

Why did he not teach me what it means to be loved by a man? Am I that unlovable that even my own father couldn’t be around me?

How can another man love me correctly when my own father couldn’t …..

Its 4:09am and I think I’m drifting again. Does this post even make sense….

This is the first time in a long time that I feel lonely…so cheers to that

“Men settle down where they find peace”

This post is for ranting purposes only. I feel like ranting today.

First of all here are a few disclaimers:

Whatever I shall write in this post does not apply to all men.

Yes, I know women are equally trash.

I do not hate men. Quite the opposite actually and I love it when women speak highly of their men.

However, I am a heterosexual woman, dealing with only men and my friends are mainly also heterosexual who also only deal with men so yeah. I can only speak from my experience and the women around me.

Ok here we go,

What is it about men that makes them just relax after they’ve gotten the girl or the women they were so passionately chasing? Excuse me, but what nonsense behavior is that. Its like free trial period is over then they bring out their true colors.

Some stories that I have heard, seen or even experienced are actually very laughable because if we don’t laugh about it, we surely gon cry sis.

I am not really making an effort to differentiate between the married ones and the ones who are just dating or courting because just because the married ones aren’t washing their dirty lineage in public, don’t mean they ain’t suffering as well.

It’s like boy meets girl, everything is good. Boy is super romantic, appears to be emotionally intelligent, seems to be ambitious, has his shit together. In addition to that, boy does all the gestures that he knows would swoon his woman. Whether it be sending her some flowers, booking trips, planning dates or whatever it is the other party is interested in at the time. The man does all these things in hopes of impressing the woman or whatever and in return the woman obviously will reciprocate the energy.

So, boy meets girl, they fall in love, boy asks girl out and girl accepts. And then what do we do, we relax! Hmmmmmmmmmmm and that’s where trouble starts.

No dates, no flowers, no good morning beautiful, no hey mama what you need, I gotchu….nothing like that. Just boy and girl staring at each other. No random I love you baby messages….just crickets. PURE CRICKETS.

All of a sudden you start hearing stuff like “But I find it hard to express myself”, it didn’t seem so hard when you was chasing me tho. But you was posting me tho, now “I’m a private person”, are you sir or you just trynna keep your options open?

I don’t know if it’s the fact that society has conditioned us, especially black folks, to believe that women have to prove themselves just to be worthy of love. The concept of “struggle love” still very much exists. The more nonsense she accepts, proves that she loves you and would stand by her man no matter what. Excuse me sir, did you skip the part in the bible where the woman is only meant to submit and not love? Where does it state in the bible that I, a woman must love a man? Did you also skip the part where it clearly states that man should love his wife as Christ loves the church? Do we even know what that means?

Its like, if a man asks a woman to marry him, he thinks he’s doing her a favor so she has to earn it.

“Men settle down where they find peace”- aha ok, do I look like I want to settle where there’s trouble. Is it that men are the only ones who deserve peace because excuse me sir that peace you speak of was because you were also bringing me peace and now talking about “you’ve changed”. Of course I have changed. Treat me the way you used to when you were chasing me and watch me change back to the woman you had back then.

And yes, I believe that a woman in most cases is the responsive one. So how are you expecting to get what you do not give sir? From time to time speak her love language and watch her treat you like the king that you are, but men just be demanding from an empty vessel. Vessel you haven’t poured anything substantial into, in a very long time so where is the peace that you seek coming from?

I don’t want to blame our parents for how they raised their sons because at a certain age, everyone is responsible for their own actions, but I do believe that SOME mothers raised SOME entitled little kings who believe that the bare minimum will get them maximum results and it just don’t work that way.

I have so much more to say on this topic but even writing this is making me angry so I’m just going to stop here. I am not in any way disregarding that good men go through stuff in the hands of women who aren’t worth it so lets us pray to God that Good men meet good women so their love can flourish !

While we wait for somebody’s son to find us and love us healthily and openly some day, lets continue to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.