Tag: love

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Generation Fuck’d up

I woke up this morning thinking of how messed up and selfish this generation of ours is, myself included.

I shared these few points on my Instagram story, but I thought I’d share it here as well.

So here we go, Welcome to Generation Fuck’d up

Welcome to a generation, where showing affection and actual feelings is considered weak.

Welcome to a generation, where going out of your way to show up for your S/O is considered simping.

Welcome to a generation, where men need DNA tests for their kids and women need to somehow make peace with the fact that almost every man will cheat because nobody wants to be faithful.

Welcome to a generation, where everyone wants to feel love, but nobody can actually bring themselves to say words “I Love You” because it doesn’t come easy to us.

Welcome to a generation where words and actions don’t align.

Welcome to a generation where everyone wants romance, but nobody wants to be romantic (first).

Welcome to a generation, where a single dad is considered hardworking but a single mum? How dare she not have known better.

Welcome to a generation, where everyone believes they don’t owe anyone anything.

Welcome to a generation, where explaining yourself to your S/O is now seen as being controlled.

Welcome to a generation, where nobody wants to work or fight for anything because we believe in toxic mental health awareness.

Welcome to a generation, where in theory men are allowed to be vulnerable but once they do, we chastise them for it.

Welcome to a generation where we all want to take but we don’t want to give.

And finally, Welcome to a generation, where most of us are all fuck’d up and selfish.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk, continue reading Isaiah 41:10.

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Mid-Night Confessions

Its 3:25am and I cannot sleep. I haven’t been in this mood where I cry myself to sleep in a long time. I think I need a hug.

I randomly came across the song “Like my father” by Jax and the lyrics just resonate with me in so many ways. But that isn’t what made me emotional. Its just the song that finally made me bawl my eyes out.

The lyrics goes as follows:

I wanna come home to roses and dirty little notes on post-its

And when my hair starts turning grey, he’ll say I’m like a fine wine better with age

I guess I learnt it from my parents, that true love starts with friendship

A kiss on the forehead

A date night

Fake an apology after a fight

I need a man who’s patient and kind

Gets out of the car and holds the door

I wanna slow dance in the living room like we’re 18 at senior prom

And grow old with someone who makes me feel young

I need a man who loves me like, my father loves my mum.

I, unfortunately, didn’t have parents who loved each other. Or better say I never witnessed my dad love my mum, so I don’t know what that would have looked like.

Moving with my father and his wife, there was no love either, so I guess its safe to say that the bar was…. Is really low.

As a young black or African girl child, you’re taught to behave a certain way, you learn to cook by a certain age, or at least you should. You should dress modestly. Go to church. You hear stuff like “is this how you will behave in your husband’s house”. An African girl child is groomed to be a wife to a man from a very young age but who teaches these boys, who eventually turn to be the men we marry, how to love.

A girl child is groomed to be nurturing, loving, submissive. Accept whatever BS the man brings to her because well, boys will be boys.

However, why aren’t these men raised to be the men that we eventually need.

A lot of boys don’t get taught that sometimes you should buy flowers. Sometimes just a “hey babe I saw these and I thought of you” goes a really long way. Why are boys not taught that well “girls will be girls” too.

Who teaches these men that a man actually taking care of his household, not just by providing, is not him “helping”

Who teaches these men that being romantic and affectionate towards your girlfriend/fiancé/wife isn’t being a bum or a simp but taking care of your woman, which is in fact your duty, just as it is hers to do same?

Why is the boy child not allowed to vulnerable without phrases like “boys don’t cry” or “man up”- this is why we have a bunch of damaged little boys in grown men bodies who don’t know how to be vulnerable and categorize women as “emotional being” because we demand men with emotional maturity.

So many men looking for “strong” women because their definition of strength is their mother who was a miserable single married woman for her entire adulthood.

Girls are taught to love but never taught about the signs to watch out for, for when you need to stop loving. When is it the right time to stop loving a man or better still when is it the right time to stop trying and just let the man go?

Boys, however, aren’t even taught to start loving. At least most do not…..

I drifted there……

The song also made me feel lonely. I do want to come back home to roses. To little surprises and little meaningful gifts that my man bought for me because he paid attention. I do want to slow dance like I’m 18 at senior prom and grow old with a man who loves me with all his being.

However, right now, in this very moment, I just wish I could pick my phone and hear my father tell me that this is just a moment, and it will pass. Even if it didn’t work out with my mother, I’m wondering why he couldn’t love me. Why did I not get the privilege of idolizing my father because he set my bar so high. Why did I not get a kiss on the forehead? Why was he not patient and kind with me?

Why did he not teach me what it means to be loved by a man? Am I that unlovable that even my own father couldn’t be around me?

How can another man love me correctly when my own father couldn’t …..

Its 4:09am and I think I’m drifting again. Does this post even make sense….

This is the first time in a long time that I feel lonely…so cheers to that

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Confessions Of A Hopeless Romantic

I woke up this morning thinking about love and partnership. How simple and beautiful it is when done with the right person who shares similar values with you. Someone who realizes that love language is of utmost importance and is willing to put in the effort. Even when and if they don’t get it right all the time, but at least they are trying. It’s the thought that counts right?

How is it that love is such a simple thing yet most of us find it so difficult to express? How is it that all of us crave pure love yet we don’t act right when given the chance to be with a genuine person? I wonder what makes it so difficult to maintain a healthy romantic relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not lonely, however I do crave love in its purest form.

A love where we both make sacrifices for each other.

A love where we both understand each other’s love language.

A love where we both act right.

A love where we both feel seen, heard, and loved. I say feel because just because you love someone doesn’t mean they feel loved by you.

A love where we both communicate honestly.

A love where we’re both intentional about each other.

A love where we’re both happy individually and together.

A love where we both honor and respect each other’s boundaries.

A love where our words and actions align.

A love where we’re both sure about each other.

A love where we both prioritize each other.

A love that’s not selfish.

A love that compromises healthily.

A love where we both feel safe.

A love where we don’t have to second guess ourselves.

A love not tainted by any of us in the relationship.

A love where God is in our midst.

Besides everything we see on social media and in the movies, I just crave a healthy love where our foundation is solid. A love that’s healthy on the inside and not just focused on looking good externally.

If you happen to have found your soulmate, please direct the rest, they sell them on amazon?

Until we all meet our better halves, we chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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It’s ok to expect certain things from certain people.

“Nobody owes to anything”- I call BS on that. This useless mentality that you don’t owe nobody anything destroys a lot of good things.

Bare in my mind, this is just my opinion so if you do not agree, well opinions are like assholes, we all have them.

I believe that certain decisions come with baggage that you just must fulfill. Yes, to some extent, we all don’t owe anybody anything but how tragic would life be if we all lived by this mentality.

It is ok to expect certain things from certain people. The keyword here is “certain things from certain people”, please not from everybody because some people constantly disappoint. I call them career disappointers. Plus, there are certain things you just can’t expect from e.g. strangers or people who aren’t really close to you.

If someone decides its time for them to settle down, get married or whatever, your partner is allowed to expect things from you and you my friend should be able to deliver at least the basic things. Like loyalty/faithfulness, trust, commitment, communication etc. These are certain things that automatically come with the decision of wanting to settle down with one person and have a committed relationship.

If someone decides to keep a child and raise, you as a parent owe that child everything it needs to grow until the child gets to a certain age where he/she can fend for themselves. Its doesn’t always go without saying that things are going to be easy but the least you can do is try and do your best.

You owe any kind of relationship, that’s important to you, nurturing. You owe it to your friends to be there for them. Your friends should expect you to be there for them because if that relationship is not serving its purpose, then what’s the point?

Every relationship is a give and take. In a fair world, what you put in, is what you get out.

However, know the people you are expecting things from. I have certain that I’ve stopped calling when I need something urgently. Yes, I get disappointed when I feel the need to talk or share something heavy and I call and they don’t pick (especially because these are people who always have their phones in their hands and always like stuff on Instagram in 0.2 seconds but whenever I call, they coincidentally never pick) and that’s ok, at least I have learnt to shift my expectations to somewhere else. I know exactly who I can call when I need something in 0.2 seconds.

Yes, it is true, you get disappointed when you expect things from people. And its ok for people to disappoint. We are human beings after all. Sometimes we need time to ourselves but when they constantly disappoint you in a certain department then maybe its time to shift focus or address the issue, if it hasn’t been addressed before?

Point is, a healthy amount of expectation is ok to have in any form of relationship. Just don’t expect (too much) from the wrong people. Now, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Sunday confessions: Somebody’s son has found me

I woke up this morning, happy. The birds chirping. The morning feeling of soft, cool breeze as I step outside.

My boyfriend had made breakfast, pancakes, eggs and some orange juice. It was peaceful. I hadn’t felt this level of peace in a long time.

He ran me a bath, left me cute little notes around the house so I could find during the day (it was a tough week) and went about his day.

As I take my bath, I am completely amazed at how well this man treats me. He listens to me, he encourages me, he supports me, he has no problems providing and protecting, he’s romantic, he’s thoughtful.

He doesn’t pressurize me into things I don’t want to do. He prays for me, he prays with me, he loves me, he’s a good man but above all, he’s a godly man.

I never thought a day like this would come, when a man would love me unconditionally for who I am. A man with whom I could let lose, a man who understands me. My guard was down. I had no problems being submissive to this man. A man who brought me nothing but peace of mind. A man I trusted.

I finished taking my bath and decided to make him food. I made his favorite meal. Shopped for his favorite beverages and snacks. I wanted to spoil him just as he thought of spoiling me that morning.

I set the table and my phone rings……

Lo and behold it’s my alarm. It was all a dream. Disappointed, I get out of bed and play somebody’s son by Tiwa savage as I proceed to sing “somebody son go find me one day” at the top of my voice while I chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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My Red Flag

As human beings we all have our strengths, weaknesses, flaws, red flags, however you choose to label these things. Fact is, we all have them. Let me tell you about one of my “flaws” that is definitely a major red flag.

You see when the bible said we should forgive and FORGET. Yeah, I don’t think I was listening. I certainly do not forget. I don’t even know if I truly forgive or if at some point, I’m just like whatever. But I don’t forget. I know I’m working on it.

Now how did I get to this point you may wonder…..Adele!

Adele released her new single, easy on me, and I have been in my feelings ever since. Its not really about the song but it’s the tone that Adele sets with her voice and the whole atmosphere.

Whenever I listen to Adele, trust me I am going through an imaginary divorce in my head. Picture all the RnB videos from back in the day, me in a train, its training and I’m looking out the window and picturing how everything went down? You get the picture…that’s how dramatic I am.

So, since Adele released her single she has basically been on repeat. I’ve abused all the songs that I like and each time a different heartbreaking scenario comes up and this one time something came up in my head that I should have just let go but I entertained the thought and that’s how I hurt my own feelings (I wish I could insert emojis).

A few posts ago I mentioned this guy who exchanged inappropriate messages with his ex and one part of the message stood out. “I’ve been thinking about you”….Can we just have a moment of silence for me because my feelings was hurt. That sentence broke me. And in that moment as I’m listening to Adele pretending to be heartbroken, the heartbreak became real. I was right back in that moment when I found out and it all went slo-mo. I needed a minute to sit down and breath and remind myself that, his behavior had nothing to do with me because its very easy for me to get in a cycle of self-sabotage and self-doubt.

And this is how I know that I don’t forget because as soon as I allowed myself to get in that mood, that I had no business entertaining, I had everything vividly in my mind like it happened yesterday. I thought of all the times where I felt like I was being treated unfairly by anyone, not just this person.

Me not being a person who doesn’t forget, I can definitely tell you what happened on the 15. August 2002. I can break down what you said, how you said it and how it came about and if it is something that cut me deeply, I will be right back in that moment, feeling everything that I was feeling, and I will let it linger.

Me not being able to forget keeps me very cautious. I am very particular about the people I let in my life. on the other hand, being too cautious isn’t always good either. I don’t trust people easily, especially when it comes to working through things after something has happened. I’m not big on giving people chances and when I do, I hold on to things very long for the fear that the person will do me the same again. I have built this wall around me and its hard to get through, I am not going to lie about that. I am not someone who sees the best in everybody.

Now, I can blame this on the things that have happened to me in the past, and yes they may have contributed to me becoming like this but at some point we all have to take responsibility and be accountable for our actions.

Although this is something I’m working on, sometimes, I still think about that sentence and feel some type of way because I wonder if it was me, but I know it wasn’t.

Don’t be like me. Let things go so you can enjoy life, so you can enjoy your friendships and your romantic relationships. Make sure you forgive 77 times like Jesus said to peter, and make sure you forget once you’ve forgiven. And if you’re like me and you struggle with that, may God help us. Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10

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“Men settle down where they find peace”

This post is for ranting purposes only. I feel like ranting today.

First of all here are a few disclaimers:

Whatever I shall write in this post does not apply to all men.

Yes, I know women are equally trash.

I do not hate men. Quite the opposite actually and I love it when women speak highly of their men.

However, I am a heterosexual woman, dealing with only men and my friends are mainly also heterosexual who also only deal with men so yeah. I can only speak from my experience and the women around me.

Ok here we go,

What is it about men that makes them just relax after they’ve gotten the girl or the women they were so passionately chasing? Excuse me, but what nonsense behavior is that. Its like free trial period is over then they bring out their true colors.

Some stories that I have heard, seen or even experienced are actually very laughable because if we don’t laugh about it, we surely gon cry sis.

I am not really making an effort to differentiate between the married ones and the ones who are just dating or courting because just because the married ones aren’t washing their dirty lineage in public, don’t mean they ain’t suffering as well.

It’s like boy meets girl, everything is good. Boy is super romantic, appears to be emotionally intelligent, seems to be ambitious, has his shit together. In addition to that, boy does all the gestures that he knows would swoon his woman. Whether it be sending her some flowers, booking trips, planning dates or whatever it is the other party is interested in at the time. The man does all these things in hopes of impressing the woman or whatever and in return the woman obviously will reciprocate the energy.

So, boy meets girl, they fall in love, boy asks girl out and girl accepts. And then what do we do, we relax! Hmmmmmmmmmmm and that’s where trouble starts.

No dates, no flowers, no good morning beautiful, no hey mama what you need, I gotchu….nothing like that. Just boy and girl staring at each other. No random I love you baby messages….just crickets. PURE CRICKETS.

All of a sudden you start hearing stuff like “But I find it hard to express myself”, it didn’t seem so hard when you was chasing me tho. But you was posting me tho, now “I’m a private person”, are you sir or you just trynna keep your options open?

I don’t know if it’s the fact that society has conditioned us, especially black folks, to believe that women have to prove themselves just to be worthy of love. The concept of “struggle love” still very much exists. The more nonsense she accepts, proves that she loves you and would stand by her man no matter what. Excuse me sir, did you skip the part in the bible where the woman is only meant to submit and not love? Where does it state in the bible that I, a woman must love a man? Did you also skip the part where it clearly states that man should love his wife as Christ loves the church? Do we even know what that means?

Its like, if a man asks a woman to marry him, he thinks he’s doing her a favor so she has to earn it.

“Men settle down where they find peace”- aha ok, do I look like I want to settle where there’s trouble. Is it that men are the only ones who deserve peace because excuse me sir that peace you speak of was because you were also bringing me peace and now talking about “you’ve changed”. Of course I have changed. Treat me the way you used to when you were chasing me and watch me change back to the woman you had back then.

And yes, I believe that a woman in most cases is the responsive one. So how are you expecting to get what you do not give sir? From time to time speak her love language and watch her treat you like the king that you are, but men just be demanding from an empty vessel. Vessel you haven’t poured anything substantial into, in a very long time so where is the peace that you seek coming from?

I don’t want to blame our parents for how they raised their sons because at a certain age, everyone is responsible for their own actions, but I do believe that SOME mothers raised SOME entitled little kings who believe that the bare minimum will get them maximum results and it just don’t work that way.

I have so much more to say on this topic but even writing this is making me angry so I’m just going to stop here. I am not in any way disregarding that good men go through stuff in the hands of women who aren’t worth it so lets us pray to God that Good men meet good women so their love can flourish !

While we wait for somebody’s son to find us and love us healthily and openly some day, lets continue to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Relationship Saga

Heeey my lovelies, I feel like it’s been forever! I just haven’t been inspired lately plus I’ve had a crappy week. I hope you guys are doing better than I am. I literally cried myself to sleep last night. Yes, that is how bad it is.

Mind you I never cry for one reason; it was all my feelings that I had been bottling in that got triggered by one thing and then everything just comes out.

But my friend and I had this very interesting discussion about relationships because when is someone not going through relationship stuff right!?

How many times does one have to forgive (the same) behavior before deciding to stay or let go?

How many times do we have to have a conversation about the same things before deciding that the relationship is not improving?

At what point does a relationship become toxic?

Is there an exact moment for these things?

In my course of dating, I have been lied to, I have lied, I have rejected, and I have been rejected, I even caught a guy that I liked sexting with his ex. The whole inappropriate texting was not the first time that had happened to me, and it made me so paranoid.

Point of correction, I have trust issues! When it happened to me the first time, I didn’t let go, I had developed the “he didn’t sleep with her” mentality (at least as far I knew of, he hadn’t slept with her/them yet).

When it happened again, the sexting itself was minor comparing to what really hurt me. It was someone we had extensive conversations about, someone “who didn’t mean anything”, as human beings like to say,

I could actually go and on about this matter because I have the ability to put myself back in a situation and feel everything again but we move.

Now sometimes I find myself wondering if I have become a toxic partner. I wonder if I project my fears and insecurities on to people who probably don’t deserve it. I guarantee you that I have not always been like this but it seems pain changes some things about you.

But why can’t human beings just be faithful tho……. Ok now I’m drifting from my initial thought

Back to my initial thought, we see so many couples who have been together for years and yet they are so unhappy, African parents are prime example, most of us kids boast of how our grandparents and parents were married for 30+ years and we also saw how unhappy they were, we saw how grandpa and daddy had 5 other concubines outside, suddenly mummy is raising a child that isn’t hers. A lot of the men from generations before us were physically and emotionally abusive, yet we label them “strong”.

So, I ask again, when do you hold on and when do you let go?

I’ve always admired people who have worked on their relationship and came back stronger, it doesn’t matter what threw them off course, but does it mean that the one who decided to let took the easy way out?

I find it interesting that most romantic relationship issues are mostly internal. The weapon fashioning against most relationships is always at least one person in the relationship.

Someone is either lying, cheating, not communicating effectively, not listening, texting other people, hiding their partner, not giving enough attention and so many other things. Can we just love each other and let the weapon fashioning against us actually come from outside and not from within?

Oh well I wish us all luck out here because its not easy. Don’t go creating fake scenarios and hurt your feelings (I am the queen of this).

Oooooh if you thought I had an answer to the above-mentioned questions, sorry I don’t. I just wing it myself. Hell, I’ve been cheated on when I should have seen the signs so if you have any Tipps for me, let a sis know.

Until we all find our soulmates in this life, we chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Birthday Post

I woke up a few days ago and I felt very sad. I’m grateful for the new age and I’ve definitely come a long way since last year. It’s been a lot of growth, accountability, tears, everything you can think of. And yes, sometimes I still fall short but I’m definitely not where I was a year ago.

I woke up feeling sad because I missed the little girl who always got a new outfit and a party every year. My mum used to throw me a party every year.

As soon as the clock hit midnight, she would her hands on my head, pray for me then anoint my head with anointing oil. I miss those days.

I miss being a kid without responsibilities.

I miss being a daughter. I miss my mother.

I miss her hugs. And Yes, we talk over the phone but it will never be the same.

Her level of effort on my birthdays was unmatched. I don’t know how she did it but she always came through and that’s what I miss.

I look back at these last years and all the battles, some of which I’ve lost, through all my tears, I just wish she could hold my hand through it all.

In as much as I miss all these things, it is my birthday after all, and I am still grateful.

I am grateful for life. For family, for friends, for everything that I have while working on the things I want to achieve.

I am grateful because I am living in one of my prayers while God is working on the next miracle at his own time.

I am grateful for what has gone my way and for the things that didn’t go my way.

I am grateful for growth. And I hope someone throws me a surprise party. (A girl can dream right). Now don’t forget to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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My Prayer: Proverbs 31

I was speaking to an old friend who was asking about my dating life. Then the question came up, what kind of man are you looking for this time. My answer, short and simple: A Godly Man!

A few weeks ago, at bible studies, we spoke about relationships/courtships and what’s written in the bible about it. Before that session if you had asked me what I was looking for in a man, I would probably say a good man, kind, loving, a born-again Christian. It would have been a list.

That session however, made me realize that a “good man” simply won’t cut it! Yes, I said it. A good man is just not good enough. Allow me to explain.

Up until last year even, I would have called myself a good woman and therefore, a good man would have been enough. But I’ve come to the realization that I don’t want to be a good woman anymore. It’s just not enough.

I want to be a great woman. I want to be a phenomenal woman. I want to make things happen and what better way to do all those things than to just work towards becoming a godly woman. A Proverbs 31 woman.

A godly woman deserves a godly man. A man filled with the fruit of the spirit. For those who aren’t familiar with it, go read Galatians 5:22. The passage says the fruit of the IS! not the fruit of the spirit ARE. But it uses a singular term which means that a godly man/woman must have all those qualities!

Someone once said to me that I didn’t possess the characteristics of a woman. Soft, meek, nurturing, SUBMISSIVE etc.

Since I started my journey of self-discovery and self-betterment, I have realized that, that statement was totally wrong. Yes, I am a woman of strong character and I have very strong opinions and I can acknowledge the fact that it may come across as arrogance (which I am working on) but one thing is for sure I can never in this life submit to a man without a vision and a mission. Come and beat me. I said it.

I can never submit to wasted potential! I can never submit to a man who’s not striving for greatness! I can never submit to a man, who does not want to be a husband! (There’s a huge difference between a man seeking for a wife and a man who actually wants to be a husband).

I can go on and on about the qualities of a godly man but then again, a godly man also deserves a godly woman.

So recently my prayer points have changed, and they have become about myself!

I pray that God makes me teachable and submissive.

Like Ruth, I pray he makes me hard-working.

Like Esther, I pray he makes me brave and courageous.

Like Rachel, I pray he makes me patient.

Like Hannah and Mary Magdalene, I pray he makes me faithful to his word.

Like Deborah, I pray he makes me a great and compassionate leader.

Above all, I pray to become a Proverbs 31 woman!

My prayer points have become about myself because I cannot demand for a man that I am not prepared for. God will not shower you with blessings when you are not ready to receive them, so I have to be prepared.

Lastly, my prayers are about myself because a godly man knows he also has work to do, which he will, and it will be between himself and God!

While you’re working on becoming a godly (wo)man, don’t forget to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.