Tag: love

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Lessons from Love: Embracing Self-Discovery and Growth

There was a time when I thought love was about holding on and holding down. Clutching tightly, even when my fingers were sore. Even when the rope burned and it unraveled me.

He was not all bad. In fact he was – he is a good man. He made me laugh. He knew how I liked my food. He knew I liked quiet mornings…. He knew me well enough– Atleast I’d like to think so.

But I guess, love isn’t enough. Not when it’s uneven. Not when you forget your own name while trying to fit into somebody else’s story. This is not a bitter blog post. This is not about dragging a man’s name through the mud – I would never do that. It is not about blame, shame or receipts. Its about choosing myself, finally, and not feeling guilty about it.

There were moments I thought leaving would break me. That i’d drown in quiet evenings and empty beds. And honestly, it did break me and I sometimes still drown in quiet evenings and empty beds.

However, what really broke me was staying too long in rooms that didn’t know how to hold me. Where I shrank myself into something smaller, quieter, easier to love.

And still, I do not hate him. He was a chapter. A very multi faceted chapter. Not the whole book. He was a lesson, not a life sentence.

I am learning to love the version of me that love(d) him while still loving the version of me that had to walk away. That Woman – I admire her. She is brave. She is rising and she has stood on business ever since.

And yet, I don’t wish him pain. I hope he grows. I pray he gets everything that his heart desires. I hope he finds joy and love. Because Me? I’m over here finding myself again. Learning to dance in my own skin. Learning to be comfortable in this uncomfortable silence. Learning to choose myself even when it means disappointing others. Learning to validate my feelings. Learning accountability because I too was not perfect. Learning to be comfortable in this discomfort and just take it one day at a time.

I don’t hate the man that I spent years with. But I love me more. And that’s the whole truth. That’s the freedom. That’s the poem. The goal is to be my own muse and I believe the rest will follow.

Does this mean I have given up on love? – I could never. But I guess the fairy tale has not been in the cards for me yet. I hope I find it someday. But until then, I’ll be here, loving myself through any and every uncomfortable phase life throws at me.

There was a time when I thought love was about holding on and holding down. Clutching tightly even my fingers were sore. But now I know , real love doesn’t ask you to lose yourself to keep it. Real love considers. Real love sees. Real love hears. Just like the saying goes – To be loved is to be known. Real love is service.

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The Myth of Strength: A Single Mom’s Reality

This week has been so long. A week full of trials and tribulations. You ever have someone look at you with admiration and say “Wow, you’re so strong! How do you do it?” And in your head, you’re thinking, I don’t know, Karen, I’m literally hanging on by a thread and some caffeine, but thanks for noticing!

Being a single mother is basically being in survival mode 24/7. It’s like being drafted into a war you didn’t sign up for, but somehow, you’re expected to be both the general and the foot soldier. And while everyone is marveling at your “strength”, you’re just trying to make it through the day without spontaneously combusting.

“You are made out of a different wood…” is what my friend said to me this week. Oh you mean this masculine energy? This survival Mode?

I hear women talk about “being in their feminine energy”– you know soft, relaxed, nurtured and cared for. I wouldn’t know what that feels like. I’ve been in my masculine energy for so long I’m about two overdue bills away from growing a beard and fixing a transmission.

Need something done?– I do it.

Bills to pay? Handled.

Broken sink? Youtube tutorial, here we go.

Need emotional support? Nope, feelings are a luxury I can’t afford.

At this point in my life “you’re so strong” has seized to be compliment. It is an attack. Every time someone tells me how strong I am, I have to resist the urge to shove them into a conveniently placed hole. Because lets be real for a second…

I am not strong. In fact, I don’t even want to be. I just don’t have a choice. I don’t want to be this independent but life said “Figure it out or perish”. If one more person calls me “warrior”, when I’m already thinking of how to fix my heavy couch that I most certainly won’t be able to lift by myself, I might actually start throwing things.

The truth is, if someone actually sat me down, gave me a real hug, and asked, “No, really, how are you?”… I would wail. Not a cute tear down the cheek – no, full on ugly crying, gasping for air, questioning all my life choices.

Which is why when people ask how I’m doing, my standard answers are:

  • “I’m good” (Lie.)
  • “Just there”. (Also a lie, but somehow feels more accurate.)
  • “You know, surviving”. (The truth, but with a forced smile on my face.)

I’ve ranted a lot and I don’t even have a nice closing line today. So see you.

Until then, I’ll be here. Just surviving. In my masculine energy. Probably fixing a broken chair with one hand while googling “why boys have an erection in the morning” with the other because – well, these are things I need to know to be able to answer some peculiar questions. Supermom or just stuck in survival mode? Who knows. Either way, I’ll get it done. Because apparently, I always do.

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To have loved and lost

Love, in every sense of it, is the most beautiful thing you can ever have. It’s the greatest gift you can ever give. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Or so they say…

I too have loved and lost. I loved him like the moon loves the tide. He came into my life and showed me the light. A light too bright to keep.

Showed me love. A love too wild, too vast, too deep. Took walks with me. Walks that filled my soul with peace.

Peace is what he brought. A warmth I hadn’t felt in a long time. His laughter, a melody where my heart belongs. But as bright as the sun as he was,

Some things shine then slip away. Not meant to be held, but meant to stay – As memories. A love once ours, now to let go.

So I teach my heart what it never knew – How to wake each day unlearning to love him.

Teach my heart how to hear his name and not turn my head.

Teach my heart to sleep on my side, while his side of the bed remains empty.

Teach my heart to rewrite the stories where we used to be, until my love for him is a whisper that is no longer in me.

It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. Or so they say…

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Love and Romantic Relationships

Love Love Love 3: Valentine’s Day

Listen… if you know me, you already know how much I love me some love. I’m just smiling really….. Happy Valentine’s Day my lovelies, I sure hope you all went all out for your romantic partners. I for one wasn’t so lucky but I feel so much better now. I just got off the phone with my sisters and they clearly had a blast.

I love all the valentine content I’m seeing on social media, I’m loving the pictures I got from my friends. People are going all out this year and I am loving it. Is it all the bouquets of flowers, the rooms decorated in red roses, the long distance boyfriends and girlfriends doing special deliveries, making sure their partners are happy….I’m loving all of it and I am here for it. Enjoy it. I hope the love continues tomorrow and forever.

And for all of you hiding your boyfriend’s face….. you think you’re mature init😂

For the chronic single ones, who don’t have a bae, better luck next year

For the ones who are in relationships yet didn’t get spoiled… I have no words, are you not embarrassed because I am embarrassed for you 😂

For those in relationships but claim they don’t celebrate Val’s day, well you don’t celebrate Val’s day but yet you also got nothing for Christmas and your birthday, Sir, Ma’am sorry to break it to you but your partner don’t like you. These ones be claiming “valentine’s day is just another day” ok but did you get flowers on March 24 tho?? So what’s your point

For all of us that nobody posted, no gifts, no sweet messages, no office deliveries, no I love you, no you are the light of my life, no I miss you, I wish you were here, no late night calls…..just existing baby girl, show yourself some self love. Don’t be like my friend who’s currently sipping her tears in self pity 😂 it’s not the end of the world. Call a friend, there’s always next years and you have the rest of the year to find your suitable bae. If that doesn’t work out, we can all have a GALentines day. Turn on some candles, listen to some music. Whatever you do, remember to read Isaiah 41:10 because clearly he’s the only one who’s gon spoil us at this point.

You wish this was you huh
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Love and Romantic Relationships

Love Love Love Part 2

Hi lovelies, it’s been a hot minute. Hope you all are doing just fine.

You know how sometimes you aren’t happy but you’re also not unhappy, you’re just existing in between and just taking it as it comes…. Yeah, that has been me….

Lmao, who am I kidding, I’ve been stressed with a lot of necessary and unnecessary things and therefore I keep pouring from an almost empty cup. I recently found out that my dad has been trying to get a hold of me…don’t really know how to feel about that…

I should be sleeping. Its 2:48a.m, I haven’t gotten much sleep the whole week. However instead of sleeping, I let someone’s words and actions make me feel as though I was difficult to love…I’ve been in this position a few times in my life. But we love love around here so here are a few reminders, for you and me, of what love may look like.

love is a verb, hence it always requires action.

Sometimes love is as simple as just paying attention to the one in front of you

It’s in the genuine “text me when you get home”.

It’s in the “naah I can’t do the other person like this”.

It’s in the “I got you”.

It’s in the “Hey I’m just a little busy/occupied right now, I’ll text back as soon as I can”.

It’s in the “I know you’ve been feeling a little down lately, let me run you a bath”.

It’s in the “good morning beautiful, good morning handsome” text message.

It’s in the random “Hey I’m just thinking about you, what are you up”.

It’s in the “I remember you liked these, so I got them for you”.

It’s in the “Hey I booked us a table and a ticket to go watch something”.

It’s in the “I thought I’d cook us some food and we watch Netflix”.

It’s in the “Tell me everything about your day”.

It’s in the “What can I do to make you feel better”.

It’s in the random meme, picture, voice not and song that was sent.

It’s in the hug that lasted a little bit longer.

It’s in the comfortable silence.

It’s in the nonverbal thoughtful gesture.

It’s in the long train/bus/car/plane ride just to see you.

It’s in the updates while hanging out with friends individually.

It’s in the laughter.

It’s in the sadness.

It’s in the tears.

It’s in the compliments.

It’s in the dates at a fancy restaurant.

It’s in the dates at a diner.

It’s in the cuddles.

It’s in the trust.

It’s in the safety.

It’s in the genuine apology.

It’s in the forgiveness.

It’s in the healthy misunderstandings.

It’s in the respected boundaries.

It’s in the priorities.

It’s in the appreciation.

It’s in the vulnerability.

It’s in the reciprocity.

It’s in the friendship.

It’s in the honesty.

It’s in the prayers.

It’s in the transparency.

It’s in the accountability.

It’s in the mutual respect.

It’s in the “I may not understand what you’re going through, but you will not go through it alone”.

Its in every gesture that’s deemed little or/and insignificant because those are the ones that matter most.

I don’t know what love is, but I want to believe that some of these points make up a big part of it. It may be expressed differently depending on the person and the situation but the core value remains the same.

Make sure to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Green Flags

Hi my lovelies, I hope you all are having an amazing weekend wherever you are.

This post is short and sweet, as the overthinker that I am, and considering what ive been through in life, I don’t believe anybody. I am, unfortunately not the type of person who sees the best in people, I actually expect the worst from the onset and its actually surprising when people show that they are good.

However I am also a hopeless romantic. Contradictive right? Now imagine how my love life would look like…….  I promise I am working on my trust issues, because believe I have lots of them (for proven reasons tho!)

Its easy to talk about red flags right, I for one belong to the school of thought that men are trash (but so are women) but these past few weeks I’ve been feeling very lovey dovey. I watch couples post their romantic videos and I enjoy the moment for them and hope it’s the same behind the lenses

So today, lets talk green flags!

DISCLAIMER: This post only concerns good women who match their men’s energy. All of you who only give your men boxers and singlet, please do me a favor, go and work on yourself and spoil that man sis. He deserves it.

Green flag 1: When he’s kind. When he treats people, especially those who don’t serve him, with pure respect and kindness. Huge!

2. When he’s thoughtful. Different people exhibit these qualities differently so there’s no manual for these things right but imagine a man being like I was listening to this song and thought of you and actually sends it, that’s a love language on its own. When hes out and about or can’t come to the phone, you get that little hey I’m just busy right now, ill call you later, instead of just ignoring you till he feels ready to speak…. When he checks up on you when hes out with his friends, you get that little hey mama how you doing, how’s your day going…. Listen, I could go on and on

3. When he’s proactive…. To me this is also a love language on its own. I saw this needed to be built, I can be of help, I knew you were arriving at this time so I made food, or I ordered food.

When he plans the date without waiting for you hint that he hasn’t taken you out in a hot minute?

When he’s proactive about developing your relationship, whether it’s starting the conversation first about something he didn’t appreciate or booking a trip, or just little things like letting you know when his plans have changed without you coming across as a nag because he understands that it’s the little, meaningless things that actually matter.

4. When he listens and implements (to the best of his abilities). This right here. Effort is so sexy. Effort is so romantic and most times it’s the thought that really counts. Imagine you mentioning something in a casual conversation, and he goes ahead and plans whatever you wanted. It could be as little as doing things around the house or you wanting to be treated a certain way or you expressing discomfort about something. It could be anything, but he listened and he didn’t wait for you to nag about it because that’s what men describe as nagging, when they have to hear the same thing over and over again. You could just want something to change but all they hear is criticism. But don’t we all want our romantic relationships to work?

Aren’t we both responsible for fixing it and making sure we both feel prioritized in each other’s lives? And once again, it could be the smallest things but what’s small to one person may be a big deal to the other person.

Another important aspect in this is when a person recognizes your silence and listens. Silence sometimes speaks volume. Don’t always assume the other person is angry or giving an attitude. Most times, in my case, baby one text saying Mama what’s wrong, I’ll probably start crying because I may just be exhausted by everything. An “I love you” text would probably make me blush from ear to ear and when you really don’t know the way forward, just ask what the problem is and what you can do to make your person feel better. Active listening is a necessity for a healthy long-term relationship.

5 When he’s empathetic. A man who has the ability to recognize when you feel a certain type of way, he may not necessarily identify with those emotions, but when he has the ability to recognize when you need love and actually gives you some reassurance AAAAAH Attractive AF

When he shows compassion in situations like that and makes you feel validated…MY GOD.

As usual, I am a woman so I speak on what women may need. However, if your man is doing all these things SIS you better treat that man like the king that he is. Contrary to what men believe, women are submissive by nature (my opinion!) but a woman can only tap into her feminine side when she feels secure and safe in her relationship.

What one woman needs may not be what the next woman needs but trust me when I say, when a man makes a woman feel secure, watch your relationship flourish like never before.

When we talk about men being providers and protectors, we always refer to financial security and if he can fight.

But are you providing her with emotional security?

Are you providing reassurance once in a while?

Do you make her feel safe to love you?

I am naturally an overthinker, but I have never overthought a situation if I didn’t have reasons to. So, are your actions protecting her from that?

A woman was created to be loved, are you loving her the right way? Because if you are then watch her give you all the respect and love that you need and more.

Its so many green flags to go through but for now chin up and read Isaiah 41:10. ooh and I lied, I thought it would be short and sweet but i got carried away.

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Motherhood part 2

I had a good cry last night. I don’t mean a tear was rolling down my cheeks, nah I mean bawling my eyes out. My son turned 4. A whole 48 months in this world. What can I say….my heart is heavy with memories and emotions.

Emotions I wish I could let out occasionally, but instead they stay built up because maybe there’s nobody to talk to, maybe there’s nobody who ’il understand, maybe everyone is busy, maybe I’m also just too emotional, a lot of maybes…the point is, these emotions build up over time until something happens, whether good or bad, that makes me reach this breaking point.

Single motherhood, I’m saying motherhood because I’m not a dad, I don’t know what single fathers feel,

However single motherhood can get lonely sometimes. Whether you chose it, or it chose you, at some point, especially if you’re like me and don’t have real support from family,

You will reach that breaking point more times than you may want to admit.

Some days are better and all it takes is me hiding in the toilet for a few minutes and some days are like this, where I question my entire motherhood journey and wonder if I’m even doing enough…

I mean I know its all in my head and I know I can’t do more than my best, which I believe I am, but there’s still that part of me that wants to do offer him so much more. I am also very aware that most of the things I stress about are material things, but I can’t help but stress about them

I wish I could have been able to give him a lavish birthday, now does he need it, probably not

These complexities have more to do with me than him. I wonder if people see me as a mediocre mother because I’m not financially stable and I don’t want that

I don’t want him growing up lacking anything at all….

My insecurities, complexities and struggle have a lot to do with me navigating between being a good mother, a good student, wanting to not just offer my kid a better life but also myself, (a girl’s got expensive taste ok!).

I don’t know what someone else may be struggling with but at the end we all must believe that in the end everything will work out for our good. Is it a business, is It money, are you battling with your mental health…whatever it is, I urge you not to give up. As long as you’re doing your best, everything else will eventually fall into place.

One may wonder why I do these obvious reminders…that is because no matter what someone may feel, you’re never alone

Someone else is feeling the same way or even worse and I speak from experience when I say, that sometimes hearing these reassurances said out loud by someone else goes a long way

So here you go… these reminders are for all of us.

  1. You are doing great
  2. You are not alone
  3. You should be proud of yourself for surviving all your bad days
  4. I cannot say this enough, but you are enough!
  5. Don’t forget to pray.

Now chin up and continue reading Isaiah 41:10.

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Show Up For Yourself

Isn’t the title already self-explanatory? It is but sometimes we still that reminder.

Two weeks ago, I got that harsh reminder that sometimes you will have to deal with stuff alone, voluntarily or involuntarily, it don’t matter. Something happened and my response was to reach out to someone and unfortunately, I felt the response I got was not appropriate. That led to a bit of back and forth but ultimately made me rethink my stand and remind myself that Sometimes people just won’t be there for you like that and its ok.

Your family, friends and lovers have lives and problems of their own. Sometimes people’s way of showing affection and concern also doesn’t always come across and therefore we lack the ability to understand their way of communication because its different from ours. Trust me, I know that for a fact!

We are all adults, and a lot of times other people are also trying to show up for themselves as well and some people just don’t have the capacity to be there for multiple people at once. Its already enough work trying to keep your mental health in an ok state when you’re battling your own demons.

So, when you find yourself in a position where people just aren’t being as supportive or encouraging as you would wish for them to be, you’ll have to depend on yourself.

Showing up for your own self may look different daily. Recognize what you need and give that to yourself.

You need space, then maybe drop your phone, turn it off, or my personal favorite, put it on do not disturb (DND).

You need a distraction, do something you love, get some work done, go to the gym, get out, vibe to some music, READ YOUR BIBLE, not the one on your phone hun, your paper bible (did y’all forget that still exists?). Isaiah 41:10-13 is always a good place to start, Romans 8:28, Joshua 1:9, Proverbs 3:5-6, i could go on but here are a few bible passages that may offer a word of encouragement.

You need a pep talk? Give it to yourself. Get in front of your mirror and tell yourself what you would like to hear.

Whatever it is you may need, never, ever give up on yourself because in the end, you are your best asset. Now go chin up and read Isaiah 41:10 and remember, you are never truly alone.

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6 Reminders In 2022!

Is it too late to go through some reminders for the year?? Meh I’ll tell you still…

This is what we’re doing this year:

  1. Be kind. Does this need elaboration? The answer is NO. Just be kind to people. You don’t have to know what they’re going through, hell they don’t have to be going through shit. You just be kind.
  2. Rest. Take a breather. Pretty self-explanatory as well. As a woman, a BLACK woman, we’ve long been deceived that we’re strong. You hear things like “strong black woman”. And for a long time, I thought I had to be. Baby listen, now, I am not strong. In fact, I am weak. I want to be weak. I want to be taken care of. I am delicate. I am an egg, because if you drop me, I break, so be careful with me. What am I even saying, I am a flower, don’t pluck me, just water me. Water me with love, with affection, with MONEY and all the good things in life.
  3. Welcome and embrace your growth. Being in a space of growth can be an uncomfortable place to be. For growth to take place, you have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Some people may not understand your journey and that’s ok. Growth does not mean that you won’t fall back into your old ways once in a while, but I hope we are all able to recognize it early enough, so we don’t fall into the same pattern.
  4. Stand your ground. When you believe you’re genuinely doing the right thing and not being an asshole to other people, stand your ground and do whatever it takes to keep your peace because, let me tell you, thou shall be tested. Take whatever precautions, whatever measures you think is right for you and maintain it. Don’t be shaken by people’s opinions of you, don’t be moved when people take a different stance than you, because everybody is entitled to their opinions. Besides opinions are like assholes, we all have one.
  5. Leave. Another self-explanatory point I believe.
  6. Shine. Just like Rihanna shine bright like a diamond. Don’t dim your light for other people. Work on getting rid of that imposter syndrome that you’re having. Accept the great opportunities coming your way. You’re not meant to struggle. Let that little light of yours shine and don’t worry about other people shinning at the same time because the same way the stars all shine together in the sky, is the same way we all can shine at the same time. The world is big enough to accommodate all of us. Just find your purpose and shine.

Now you guys know the drill, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Let’s Talk: Friendship!

Is it too late to wish you guys a happy new year? Hahaha……AAAAAHHHH Happy New Year my lovelies. It’s been a hot minute. I hope all of you have been chinning up and if you haven’t baby I am back and I’ve got you because we gon chin up together.

Listen, ive been thinking about something that I wanted to focus on and invest in more this year……which are my friendships.

And let me tell you, the only constant thing in life is change. Repeat after me CHANGE.

Like everyone else, once the new year ended you get into this rubbish reminiscing mode, and you write down your goals blabla… Tbh I have zero goals for this year. I am just winging it. I have certain things I want to have at least set in motion but that’s it.

However, one thing that was really on my mind is my friendships and the people I choose to share my time and energy with.

It all started when I was thinking about few of my schoolmates, who have unfortunately passed. And it was a wake-up call that life is too short and we should all be investing in friendships and people that equally invest in us.

Friendship breakups are real, they are uncomfortable and scary, but the truth is, some people just gotta go for better people to come. And if I didn’t know it then, I know it now…. friendship dynamics will change. And you will have to decide if some friendships are worth saving or if its time to let go.

That is one of the most difficult decisions we all will have to make in life unfortunately, to hold on or to let go. It don’t matter if its family, friendships, romantic relationships, career…the decision between holding on and letting go is inevitable.

Furthermore listen, please not everyone is your friend. Not everyone deserves to be your friend. Let’s learn to address people correctly. They may be your colleague, your old friend, your acquaintance, your subordinates, your fellow student….

And even amongst friendships, there are friends and there are FRIENDS. Some are only good for restaurants and party, some are good for banter, some you speak to every few months and it’s like you guys have always been in touch.

With some friends you share the process and with some you only tell them the end game and vice versa. Listen lets all know our places in people’s lives and act accordingly.

I was recently disappointed by a few friends because I felt like hey I should have known but I’m also working on acting according to how my so called friends treat me. Maybe I just wasn’t that important, and they didn’t think to share certain information with me, as disappointing as it may seem, that showed me that we may just may not be as close as I thought and that is okay. Don’t overdo it.

If they don’t invite you, don’t go and do not ask to be invited. If they don’t tell you, don’t ask. They don’t include you, go do your thing. Learn to be ok with not being invited, included, or even considered.

People invest in relationships that are important to them. And rejection isn’t even as personal as it seems. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be, maybe you weren’t their person, or they weren’t your person. Invest your energy in those that are also effortlessly investing in you, but without feeling entitled to anybody’s energy or time or whatever. People have freedom of choice, the same way you do.

Now you already know the drill, Chin up and read Isiah 41:10.