Tag: life

Categories
Uncategorized

The Myth of Strength: A Single Mom’s Reality

This week has been so long. A week full of trials and tribulations. You ever have someone look at you with admiration and say “Wow, you’re so strong! How do you do it?” And in your head, you’re thinking, I don’t know, Karen, I’m literally hanging on by a thread and some caffeine, but thanks for noticing!

Being a single mother is basically being in survival mode 24/7. It’s like being drafted into a war you didn’t sign up for, but somehow, you’re expected to be both the general and the foot soldier. And while everyone is marveling at your “strength”, you’re just trying to make it through the day without spontaneously combusting.

“You are made out of a different wood…” is what my friend said to me this week. Oh you mean this masculine energy? This survival Mode?

I hear women talk about “being in their feminine energy”– you know soft, relaxed, nurtured and cared for. I wouldn’t know what that feels like. I’ve been in my masculine energy for so long I’m about two overdue bills away from growing a beard and fixing a transmission.

Need something done?– I do it.

Bills to pay? Handled.

Broken sink? Youtube tutorial, here we go.

Need emotional support? Nope, feelings are a luxury I can’t afford.

At this point in my life “you’re so strong” has seized to be compliment. It is an attack. Every time someone tells me how strong I am, I have to resist the urge to shove them into a conveniently placed hole. Because lets be real for a second…

I am not strong. In fact, I don’t even want to be. I just don’t have a choice. I don’t want to be this independent but life said “Figure it out or perish”. If one more person calls me “warrior”, when I’m already thinking of how to fix my heavy couch that I most certainly won’t be able to lift by myself, I might actually start throwing things.

The truth is, if someone actually sat me down, gave me a real hug, and asked, “No, really, how are you?”… I would wail. Not a cute tear down the cheek – no, full on ugly crying, gasping for air, questioning all my life choices.

Which is why when people ask how I’m doing, my standard answers are:

  • “I’m good” (Lie.)
  • “Just there”. (Also a lie, but somehow feels more accurate.)
  • “You know, surviving”. (The truth, but with a forced smile on my face.)

I’ve ranted a lot and I don’t even have a nice closing line today. So see you.

Until then, I’ll be here. Just surviving. In my masculine energy. Probably fixing a broken chair with one hand while googling “why boys have an erection in the morning” with the other because – well, these are things I need to know to be able to answer some peculiar questions. Supermom or just stuck in survival mode? Who knows. Either way, I’ll get it done. Because apparently, I always do.

Categories
Uncategorized

The Duality of Human Functionality: Thriving and Drowning simultaneously

There’s a strange kind of strength that comes with always being on the edge of collapse. It’s the duality of human functionality – the ability to perform, to meet expectations, to be everything for everyone, knowing that you could fall apart at any moment.

For many, especially single mothers like myself, who work full time – this is life. A constant, exhausting, balancing act where burnout is not an option. Crashing out would almost be a luxury – one I don’t have the privilege to afford.

It’s like Functioning at full capacity on an empty tank !

At work, I am professional, I meet deadlines, engage in meetings, problem solve and push forward with a resilience that seems effortless to those watching. Nobody sees the exhaustion layered beneath my well practiced smile. Nobody sees the weight of responsibility that keeps me up at night, wondering how to stretch my paycheck.

At home, I am a mother. The caregiver. The nurturer. The one who makes everything magically appear. The one who makes everything okay – even when I am not okay myself. I cook, I clean, I check homework, I make sure love is felt even when I feel depleted. There is no pause button, no switch off.

I call it The unseen weight of the “strong one”.

when people admire the strength you possess. “I don’t know how you do it” they always say with a tone of amazement. But they don’t realize that this kind of strength is not a choice. It’s a necessity, a superpower born out of hardship, out of having no backup plan – it’s survival.

Truth is, being the strong one is lonely. I don’t get to fall apart In front of others. I don’t get to stop functioning, even on days when exhaustion feels like a second skin. When every task is heavier than the last. When your mind is screaming for rest.

Rest almost feels like a fantasy.

That’s the cruelest irony of constant functionality. Rest is elusive. it feels undeserved because there’s always something more to do. There’s always another responsibility waiting. And when you find moments of stillness, guilt creeps in. I am in a constant cycle of “I should be doing something” because me taking a break is just me ignoring a task that desperately needs to be done.

The concept of constant functionality is experienced by many – even if you’re not in my situation. There is something everyone is going through, right? The pressure keeps getting worser, as the generation says.

Truth is, you deserve rest just as everyone else. You deserve care, grace and space to exhale. Functioning at the verge of burnout is not sustainable, even if you’ve mastered the art of pushing through. So if crashing out isn’t an option, then the very least, there must be sacred moments where you reclaim something for yourself.

Rest is not a reward, it’s a requirement. It’s not something you earn after reaching exhaustion. Rest is what you need to prevent exhaustion.

The duality of human functionality is both a marvel and a curse. The ability to keep going when everything inside of you is begging to stop is a testament of resilience but resilience should never come at the cost of your well-being. I promise you that you are allowed to rest. You are allowed to break sometimes.

But not me cause if I do, nobody else will be there to pick up the pieces. But that is not the point of this post.

Categories
Uncategorized

A bad week….

I haven’t cried in a long time. Lately I just sit there staring at the wall in numbness. You know how the saying goes, if you don’t make out time to rest, your body will do that for you and it won’t be pretty…yeah that’s what’s been happening to me the last 9 days. They haven’t been pretty.. I’ve had like 3 good cries on different days 😂

I was so exhausted last week. Doing everything by myself literally kicked my ass. And it wasn’t nothing major…I had to fix my internet and somehow lost my ability to understand basic German and I just wasn’t getting it. Nothing was. One thing and I just felt like damn I shouldn’t be doing this… shouldn’t a man be doing this for me?

It wasn’t better the next day, why am I carrying crates of water… why do I have to take out the bin. And why the hell do I have to figure out how to adjust this bike so my child can ride it….. or does he just need a new one but wait shouldn’t a man be doing this for me again 😂

I kid you not, I cried for that. It’s the fatigue, exhaustion, fear, anxiety…. Everything just came crashing. But in the midst of that I had a bit of encouragement…

I had a meeting at my son’s school and they gave me an update on how he’s been doing. He’s doing great. He’s a good kid and that is thanks to me and all the overtime I put on a daily basis…..it was a great reminder that despite everything that is seemingly going wrong, I am doing something right. And I have great friends that remind me of that when I feel this way. A friend reminded me that I do so much on a daily basis that it’s ok to feel the way I’m feeling. And I myself I forget.

My job on a daily basis goes unnoticed every time. My sleepless nights. My marathons to pick up my son after work. Putting my mental health aside at all times to put my child first. The money I keep spending on the same little human mostly. Worrying about how my child is doing in kindergarten. Worrying about his social and emotional skills. Worrying about if he’s keeping up with his age mates considering he had a very difficult start in life. Worrying about all these things and still Somehow having the head to push through my own personal stuff….. I never have time to do what I want to do or just to relax……..

Let me remind you today that you’re doing great, as long as you’re doing your best. Your best isn’t always going to be 100 everyday. On some days it’s going to be 80% on others it may be 40% but as long as you’re giving it 100 on that day, no matter what that looks like, you’re doing great. As long as you’re showing up every single day. It’s ok to have a bad day, a bad week, a bad moment but don’t ever forget why you started. And if you don’t like the journey then change direction. Not everyone I’d going to be there or understand your bad moments and that’s ok. But know yourself, that’s worth much more. And no matter what you do, make sure to breathe and read Isaiah 41:10.

Categories
Uncategorized

I Am (Not) Strong

I am very certain that people who commit suicide don’t unalive themselves because they don’t want to live. Staying alive, however, is pretty tough when the tunnel seems to be very dark, with no sign of any light at the end of it.

Nobody really talks about how difficult it is to stay running this marathon called life, because life surely ain’t no 100m sprint, it’s a marathon. A never ending one at that. You have to keep running until you take your last breath.

We glamorize the destination, and a lot of times minimize and dismiss the courage it takes to stay in the race.

Phrases like “you re so strong” or “you’re not alone”… I mean yes, I get it. But how do you explain to someone that its going to get better when everything is looking dark and there seems to be no way out.

I am not alone yet whenever I find myself in a dark cloud, I am always alone. Try reaching my generation through a phone call (myself included), its most likely not going to happen.

How do you explain to me that I am not a burden to you when each time I express myself, you dismiss me. You minimize my feelings and in the end, I regret ever wanting to open up to you in the first place.

“You are so strong” Bullshit. I am definitely not strong. I don’t even want to be at this point.

Am I strong or am I just holding on because I have child. The same child who drains me, is the same reason why I haven’t let go all these years.

I am not strong. I don’t want to be.

I have broken down way too many times than I can count just in the space of one week yet no avenue to let it out because the same people who assure you, they’re there for you are the same people who desert you when the going gets tough, suddenly you find out you are the only tough one who keeps going.

No, I am not strong, and I really do not want to be. At this point.  

I had a major meltdown. Sweaty palm, shaky hands, heart beating fast. BP rising, shaky legs, couldn’t stay still, just pacing around my apartment. Almost the whole night.

When all the tears had dried up and I finally summoned the courage to look at my reflection in the mirror, I asked myself, is it worth it. I mean being alive is becoming quite expensive.

No. I am not strong. And I really do not want to be. At this point.

I am a delicate flower and I want to be treated like an egg. An egg that can break at any point so please be gentle with me.

I am expected to wake up in less than 6 hours, put a smile on my face and function. And of course, I will function because that is what it takes to stay running this race. I will function because I cannot afford to not function.

I would tell you to read Isaiah 41:10 but I haven’t read it in a while. Maybe I should, and so should you.