Tag: holding on

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I Am (Not) Strong

I am very certain that people who commit suicide don’t unalive themselves because they don’t want to live. Staying alive, however, is pretty tough when the tunnel seems to be very dark, with no sign of any light at the end of it.

Nobody really talks about how difficult it is to stay running this marathon called life, because life surely ain’t no 100m sprint, it’s a marathon. A never ending one at that. You have to keep running until you take your last breath.

We glamorize the destination, and a lot of times minimize and dismiss the courage it takes to stay in the race.

Phrases like “you re so strong” or “you’re not alone”… I mean yes, I get it. But how do you explain to someone that its going to get better when everything is looking dark and there seems to be no way out.

I am not alone yet whenever I find myself in a dark cloud, I am always alone. Try reaching my generation through a phone call (myself included), its most likely not going to happen.

How do you explain to me that I am not a burden to you when each time I express myself, you dismiss me. You minimize my feelings and in the end, I regret ever wanting to open up to you in the first place.

“You are so strong” Bullshit. I am definitely not strong. I don’t even want to be at this point.

Am I strong or am I just holding on because I have child. The same child who drains me, is the same reason why I haven’t let go all these years.

I am not strong. I don’t want to be.

I have broken down way too many times than I can count just in the space of one week yet no avenue to let it out because the same people who assure you, they’re there for you are the same people who desert you when the going gets tough, suddenly you find out you are the only tough one who keeps going.

No, I am not strong, and I really do not want to be. At this point.  

I had a major meltdown. Sweaty palm, shaky hands, heart beating fast. BP rising, shaky legs, couldn’t stay still, just pacing around my apartment. Almost the whole night.

When all the tears had dried up and I finally summoned the courage to look at my reflection in the mirror, I asked myself, is it worth it. I mean being alive is becoming quite expensive.

No. I am not strong. And I really do not want to be. At this point.

I am a delicate flower and I want to be treated like an egg. An egg that can break at any point so please be gentle with me.

I am expected to wake up in less than 6 hours, put a smile on my face and function. And of course, I will function because that is what it takes to stay running this race. I will function because I cannot afford to not function.

I would tell you to read Isaiah 41:10 but I haven’t read it in a while. Maybe I should, and so should you.

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Confessions Of A Hopeless Romantic

I woke up this morning thinking about love and partnership. How simple and beautiful it is when done with the right person who shares similar values with you. Someone who realizes that love language is of utmost importance and is willing to put in the effort. Even when and if they don’t get it right all the time, but at least they are trying. It’s the thought that counts right?

How is it that love is such a simple thing yet most of us find it so difficult to express? How is it that all of us crave pure love yet we don’t act right when given the chance to be with a genuine person? I wonder what makes it so difficult to maintain a healthy romantic relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not lonely, however I do crave love in its purest form.

A love where we both make sacrifices for each other.

A love where we both understand each other’s love language.

A love where we both act right.

A love where we both feel seen, heard, and loved. I say feel because just because you love someone doesn’t mean they feel loved by you.

A love where we both communicate honestly.

A love where we’re both intentional about each other.

A love where we’re both happy individually and together.

A love where we both honor and respect each other’s boundaries.

A love where our words and actions align.

A love where we’re both sure about each other.

A love where we both prioritize each other.

A love that’s not selfish.

A love that compromises healthily.

A love where we both feel safe.

A love where we don’t have to second guess ourselves.

A love not tainted by any of us in the relationship.

A love where God is in our midst.

Besides everything we see on social media and in the movies, I just crave a healthy love where our foundation is solid. A love that’s healthy on the inside and not just focused on looking good externally.

If you happen to have found your soulmate, please direct the rest, they sell them on amazon?

Until we all meet our better halves, we chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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My Red Flag

As human beings we all have our strengths, weaknesses, flaws, red flags, however you choose to label these things. Fact is, we all have them. Let me tell you about one of my “flaws” that is definitely a major red flag.

You see when the bible said we should forgive and FORGET. Yeah, I don’t think I was listening. I certainly do not forget. I don’t even know if I truly forgive or if at some point, I’m just like whatever. But I don’t forget. I know I’m working on it.

Now how did I get to this point you may wonder…..Adele!

Adele released her new single, easy on me, and I have been in my feelings ever since. Its not really about the song but it’s the tone that Adele sets with her voice and the whole atmosphere.

Whenever I listen to Adele, trust me I am going through an imaginary divorce in my head. Picture all the RnB videos from back in the day, me in a train, its training and I’m looking out the window and picturing how everything went down? You get the picture…that’s how dramatic I am.

So, since Adele released her single she has basically been on repeat. I’ve abused all the songs that I like and each time a different heartbreaking scenario comes up and this one time something came up in my head that I should have just let go but I entertained the thought and that’s how I hurt my own feelings (I wish I could insert emojis).

A few posts ago I mentioned this guy who exchanged inappropriate messages with his ex and one part of the message stood out. “I’ve been thinking about you”….Can we just have a moment of silence for me because my feelings was hurt. That sentence broke me. And in that moment as I’m listening to Adele pretending to be heartbroken, the heartbreak became real. I was right back in that moment when I found out and it all went slo-mo. I needed a minute to sit down and breath and remind myself that, his behavior had nothing to do with me because its very easy for me to get in a cycle of self-sabotage and self-doubt.

And this is how I know that I don’t forget because as soon as I allowed myself to get in that mood, that I had no business entertaining, I had everything vividly in my mind like it happened yesterday. I thought of all the times where I felt like I was being treated unfairly by anyone, not just this person.

Me not being a person who doesn’t forget, I can definitely tell you what happened on the 15. August 2002. I can break down what you said, how you said it and how it came about and if it is something that cut me deeply, I will be right back in that moment, feeling everything that I was feeling, and I will let it linger.

Me not being able to forget keeps me very cautious. I am very particular about the people I let in my life. on the other hand, being too cautious isn’t always good either. I don’t trust people easily, especially when it comes to working through things after something has happened. I’m not big on giving people chances and when I do, I hold on to things very long for the fear that the person will do me the same again. I have built this wall around me and its hard to get through, I am not going to lie about that. I am not someone who sees the best in everybody.

Now, I can blame this on the things that have happened to me in the past, and yes they may have contributed to me becoming like this but at some point we all have to take responsibility and be accountable for our actions.

Although this is something I’m working on, sometimes, I still think about that sentence and feel some type of way because I wonder if it was me, but I know it wasn’t.

Don’t be like me. Let things go so you can enjoy life, so you can enjoy your friendships and your romantic relationships. Make sure you forgive 77 times like Jesus said to peter, and make sure you forget once you’ve forgiven. And if you’re like me and you struggle with that, may God help us. Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10

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Relationship Saga

Heeey my lovelies, I feel like it’s been forever! I just haven’t been inspired lately plus I’ve had a crappy week. I hope you guys are doing better than I am. I literally cried myself to sleep last night. Yes, that is how bad it is.

Mind you I never cry for one reason; it was all my feelings that I had been bottling in that got triggered by one thing and then everything just comes out.

But my friend and I had this very interesting discussion about relationships because when is someone not going through relationship stuff right!?

How many times does one have to forgive (the same) behavior before deciding to stay or let go?

How many times do we have to have a conversation about the same things before deciding that the relationship is not improving?

At what point does a relationship become toxic?

Is there an exact moment for these things?

In my course of dating, I have been lied to, I have lied, I have rejected, and I have been rejected, I even caught a guy that I liked sexting with his ex. The whole inappropriate texting was not the first time that had happened to me, and it made me so paranoid.

Point of correction, I have trust issues! When it happened to me the first time, I didn’t let go, I had developed the “he didn’t sleep with her” mentality (at least as far I knew of, he hadn’t slept with her/them yet).

When it happened again, the sexting itself was minor comparing to what really hurt me. It was someone we had extensive conversations about, someone “who didn’t mean anything”, as human beings like to say,

I could actually go and on about this matter because I have the ability to put myself back in a situation and feel everything again but we move.

Now sometimes I find myself wondering if I have become a toxic partner. I wonder if I project my fears and insecurities on to people who probably don’t deserve it. I guarantee you that I have not always been like this but it seems pain changes some things about you.

But why can’t human beings just be faithful tho……. Ok now I’m drifting from my initial thought

Back to my initial thought, we see so many couples who have been together for years and yet they are so unhappy, African parents are prime example, most of us kids boast of how our grandparents and parents were married for 30+ years and we also saw how unhappy they were, we saw how grandpa and daddy had 5 other concubines outside, suddenly mummy is raising a child that isn’t hers. A lot of the men from generations before us were physically and emotionally abusive, yet we label them “strong”.

So, I ask again, when do you hold on and when do you let go?

I’ve always admired people who have worked on their relationship and came back stronger, it doesn’t matter what threw them off course, but does it mean that the one who decided to let took the easy way out?

I find it interesting that most romantic relationship issues are mostly internal. The weapon fashioning against most relationships is always at least one person in the relationship.

Someone is either lying, cheating, not communicating effectively, not listening, texting other people, hiding their partner, not giving enough attention and so many other things. Can we just love each other and let the weapon fashioning against us actually come from outside and not from within?

Oh well I wish us all luck out here because its not easy. Don’t go creating fake scenarios and hurt your feelings (I am the queen of this).

Oooooh if you thought I had an answer to the above-mentioned questions, sorry I don’t. I just wing it myself. Hell, I’ve been cheated on when I should have seen the signs so if you have any Tipps for me, let a sis know.

Until we all find our soulmates in this life, we chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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shattered

Hello, my lovelies, I hope you guys are all well. It has been such a long time, ok two weeks but it feels like forever. I had exams, two presentations and I still have two term papers to submit sooo, you can imagine how stressful the last few weeks have been. Let’s not forget the toddler who needs my undivided attention every day. But I am back now, and I hope it stays that way.

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I do not give myself enough credit

30.12.2020, 23:47pm. Perfect times for the brain to wander and reminisce on life. Maybe I am feeling like this because the last day of the year is just 10 minutes away but Moses Bliss- Too faithful has been on repeat for hours now. This song means a lot to me, this song has distracted me from a lot of dark thoughts, this song has given so much strength in times of need, this song has reminded me why I must hold on, no matter what. Simply put, this song has gotten me through most of my darkest days.

Continue reading “I do not give myself enough credit”