Category: Single Motherhood

Today I looked at myself in the mirror and saw how tired and lifeless I looked. The day was long. The stress is immense at the moment. Simultaneously working on many things, as per usual.

And then a little voice whispered into my ear that I was not the fun parent. Well his exact words were that he has more fun at his dads than he has at home.

Was this expected, actually yes. It’s normal. Was I still hurt by it, definitely.

In the moment I brushed it off because what does a 5 year old understand about words having an impact. He just thinks about his cousins and the fact that he’s allowed to watch his tablet all day, everyday, which he’s not allowed at home. He remembers legoland. The trips are always fun.

I’ve always known that I’m the boring parent. I’m the parent who interrupts his sleep in the morning for school so I’m able to work and afford the bills.

I’m the parent who takes him to the pediatrician and knows his doctors by name.

I’m the parent who shows up at school meetings. I’m the parent his teachers know by name and I know theirs.

I’m the parent whose phone rings when he’s sick and needs to leave work early to pick him up.

I’m the parent who eventually calls in sick at work for the next few days because who else will do it?

I’m the parent who forgot to follow up with work because his lungs sounded tight for 3 days in a row.

I’m the parent who doesn’t get to sleep because I need to make sure he’s breathing in the night.

I’m the parent who doesn’t get to enjoy the whole bed because somehow my bed is more comfortable than his and he has to sleep right next to me.

I’m the parent who says no pretty often. No to sweets. No to new toys. No to screen time during the week.

I’m the parent who sits down on Saturdays and teaches him how to read. It’s not always fun having to sit down and not face a screen.

I’m the parent who encourages him to pick up a book instead of a tablet.

I’m the parent who can’t afford a vacation just yet.

I’m the parent who does the boring day to the day stuff.

I’m the parent who’s currently sitting in the train, looking at her reflection and having to remind myself why I’m doing this.

I’m the parent who will get home and cry about this because those words definitely echo in my head.

I’m the parent who will put on a brave face every morning and function even when I don’t feel like it.

I’m the parent who’s present but hey dad’s place is more fun.

And actually I love it for him because who doesn’t want to get out of their comfort zone and experience some fun!? He’s just five but why do I hear his voice in my head saying dad is more fun!?

All this sappy write up is probably to remind myself that I’m a good mother. I know it but a lot of times it doesn’t feel that way. However I choose to be still. I’ve already had one outburst today and it wasn’t pretty 🥲

“Dont worry everything you deserve will locate you soon”! Those words have not left my mind since they got said to me few weeks ago. But what do I even deserve?

It’s almost 9pm. The little man has had dinner, taken a shower, we read a book and he’s been tucked in, ready to refill for another day. And me, I am currently operating on 3 hours of sleep because that same little man dictates my sleeping pattern and some nights are just not good.

I skipped breakfast, technically skipped lunch because between getting ready in the morning, dropping him off at school, rushing to the other side of town for work, most days there’s just not enough time for breakfast.

There’s no time for lunch either because working only 6 hours daily doesn’t permit me to take breaks. So I normally just settle for a very late lunch/ early dinner and maybe a snack before bed.

It is 9:05pm and I realize that I’m fucked. Of course I am the one who’s fucked. School is closed for little man next week and I have pedagogical days at work…. Ain’t that great…..that basically means I cannot take the week off work.

I forgot. Or it just didn’t sink into my brain on time, either way I am left to find alternatives on my own. Again. Where is the co-parent when you need him, aahhh yes living the comfortable life.

“I just don’t want you to be going through stuff and you’re not telling me”, I laugh it off because at this point I’m not just going through stuff but stuff is also going through me 😂.

It’s not that I’m going through stuff, it is just that my racing mind never reaches its destination.

It’s not that I’m going through stuff but how do I explain that I’m somehow on the verge of breaking down because I find myself in this hamster wheel that has to keep spinning.

However, whose fault is it, I should have chosen better for myself when I had the chance, that’s what I’ve been told and that’s what I catch myself believing sometimes. I should have chosen better.

Isaiah 60:22. I repeat that to myself and somehow wait to fight another day until it’s my turn to receive everything I deserve because psalm 23 says that goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life so I believe that whatever this is, it produces perseverance and that perseverance produces character and in turn hope.

So that hamster wheel will keep spinning and it will come to an end some day but for now we run.

Btw you see that psalm 23, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. “All the days of my life”, I can’t even dodge the goodness coming my day even if I wanted to and neither can you. So keep running in your hamster wheel because when that goodness hits you, it will be glorious. Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

I had one of those week. where I had to remind myself that I am genuinely a good person.

To all the women who have partners present to comfort you when you’re sad and overwhelmed, how does it feel to be God’s favorite!? I had to sleep on my cold bed, crying myself to sleep ALONE….imagine that

With me it’s like it’s not just one thing that goes wrong, everything goes wrong simultaneously. Every possible thing you can think of that will affect my mental health, will go wrong at the same time and I don’t even have the luxury of locking myself up in my house and crying so I have to wait til night time. Even that is exhausting. Imagine having to hold your tears throughout the day because my mini human can’t see me cry.

Nobody talks about the grief that comes after you’ve set certain boundaries. You go from knowing you’re doing the best for yourself to questioning if that really was a good decision. In my case I set boundaries and question if the decisions I made were in the best interest for my son. If you know me, you know I’m an over thinker and I have anxiety so I pick apart every little detail, every interaction, every step…..forgetting that I’m not just making decisions for him but also making decisions to protect myself. I instantly feel bad if the decision I took also had my best interest at heart because in my world it’s all about him and if I don’t do the right thing, nobody does….if I make a mistake his future depends on it….

But when dealing with an uncooperative co-parent, sometimes you have to make firm decisions and stand by them.

I feel perpetual exhaustion, not because I’m working so hard (which I also am!) but because it’s so many responsibilities on my tiny shoulders and I have nobody to give some to…

I felt this perpetual tiredness this week because it seems as though my reaction to everything was plain wrong…

I felt this sharp pain when someone said that my heart was made of stone…..

One thing you cannot take away from human beings is the fact that someone will do something to you and turn around to point fingers at your reactions because your reaction is not beneficial to them. That “I did what I did at your expense but please heal on your own because I’m tired of hearing you speak about it”. I didn’t choose my brain, I didn’t choose to be an over thinker, I don’t want my brain to process things the way it does but that’s just how I’m wired and clearly I’m not that far in my healing journey to program it otherwise…..

It almost feels like I am cursed to deal with everything alone. But whatever I am feeling right now has to be tossed to the side because I have work tomorrow…..

I should probably go back on bended knees and ask the Lord for some strength and if he wishes he can throw in some razzle dazzle and show me my future, atleast so I know if it’ll be worth it……Maybe I’ll feel differently in the morning but until then…..read Isaiah 41:10 for the two of us because I think I am fighting with God. I know he does everything in his own time but the human in me is tired.