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“Men settle down where they find peace”

This post is for ranting purposes only. I feel like ranting today.

First of all here are a few disclaimers:

Whatever I shall write in this post does not apply to all men.

Yes, I know women are equally trash.

I do not hate men. Quite the opposite actually and I love it when women speak highly of their men.

However, I am a heterosexual woman, dealing with only men and my friends are mainly also heterosexual who also only deal with men so yeah. I can only speak from my experience and the women around me.

Ok here we go,

What is it about men that makes them just relax after they’ve gotten the girl or the women they were so passionately chasing? Excuse me, but what nonsense behavior is that. Its like free trial period is over then they bring out their true colors.

Some stories that I have heard, seen or even experienced are actually very laughable because if we don’t laugh about it, we surely gon cry sis.

I am not really making an effort to differentiate between the married ones and the ones who are just dating or courting because just because the married ones aren’t washing their dirty lineage in public, don’t mean they ain’t suffering as well.

It’s like boy meets girl, everything is good. Boy is super romantic, appears to be emotionally intelligent, seems to be ambitious, has his shit together. In addition to that, boy does all the gestures that he knows would swoon his woman. Whether it be sending her some flowers, booking trips, planning dates or whatever it is the other party is interested in at the time. The man does all these things in hopes of impressing the woman or whatever and in return the woman obviously will reciprocate the energy.

So, boy meets girl, they fall in love, boy asks girl out and girl accepts. And then what do we do, we relax! Hmmmmmmmmmmm and that’s where trouble starts.

No dates, no flowers, no good morning beautiful, no hey mama what you need, I gotchu….nothing like that. Just boy and girl staring at each other. No random I love you baby messages….just crickets. PURE CRICKETS.

All of a sudden you start hearing stuff like “But I find it hard to express myself”, it didn’t seem so hard when you was chasing me tho. But you was posting me tho, now “I’m a private person”, are you sir or you just trynna keep your options open?

I don’t know if it’s the fact that society has conditioned us, especially black folks, to believe that women have to prove themselves just to be worthy of love. The concept of “struggle love” still very much exists. The more nonsense she accepts, proves that she loves you and would stand by her man no matter what. Excuse me sir, did you skip the part in the bible where the woman is only meant to submit and not love? Where does it state in the bible that I, a woman must love a man? Did you also skip the part where it clearly states that man should love his wife as Christ loves the church? Do we even know what that means?

Its like, if a man asks a woman to marry him, he thinks he’s doing her a favor so she has to earn it.

“Men settle down where they find peace”- aha ok, do I look like I want to settle where there’s trouble. Is it that men are the only ones who deserve peace because excuse me sir that peace you speak of was because you were also bringing me peace and now talking about “you’ve changed”. Of course I have changed. Treat me the way you used to when you were chasing me and watch me change back to the woman you had back then.

And yes, I believe that a woman in most cases is the responsive one. So how are you expecting to get what you do not give sir? From time to time speak her love language and watch her treat you like the king that you are, but men just be demanding from an empty vessel. Vessel you haven’t poured anything substantial into, in a very long time so where is the peace that you seek coming from?

I don’t want to blame our parents for how they raised their sons because at a certain age, everyone is responsible for their own actions, but I do believe that SOME mothers raised SOME entitled little kings who believe that the bare minimum will get them maximum results and it just don’t work that way.

I have so much more to say on this topic but even writing this is making me angry so I’m just going to stop here. I am not in any way disregarding that good men go through stuff in the hands of women who aren’t worth it so lets us pray to God that Good men meet good women so their love can flourish !

While we wait for somebody’s son to find us and love us healthily and openly some day, lets continue to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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The “Pick Me Up” I Didn’t Know I Needed

This is a bragging post about my toddler’s emotional intelligence. I don’t know if I’m doing something right here, but my 3-year-old does a fantastic job at noticing when I need a pick me up.

A few weeks ago, out of nowhere my son comes to me, gives a hug and says he’s proud of me. One of the many times I got to hear the words I didn’t know I needed. It was just a random moment. Now, I realize that he may also just be saying things he remembers or just repeating things I normally tell him but in that moment I didn’t care. He was proud of me and that was all that mattered to me.

2020 was a year of change. Almost everything that I had known practically collapsed and I had to start over, as 2021 is coming to an end, some things are about to change again and these changes have been waying heavily on my mind, this week especially.

So yesterday, after I had put him down to sleep and we were laying in bed, I was not necessarily sad, but I was in my own world, I had been the whole week. I was deep in my own thoughts when he just reached out to my face and in German he says, ist ok mama, ich bin doch da, meaning It’s ok mummy, I’m here. Then he casually turned to his face away from me and at some point, he fell asleep. But he didn’t say anything else to me after those words.

At that point, I literally cried me a river. Even though, he can’t do much, he let me know that he was there for me. The fact that he articulated it meant everything to me because these are words that we most times don’t get to hear. Yes, you may be aware that friends, family and lovers are there for you but as adults we get so caught up in our own world, facing our own responsibilities and fighting our own battles that we sometimes forget to let our loved ones know that we love them and that we are there for them. We assume they know our feelings.

I don’t know how these changes that are coming are going to affect us, but I know for a fact that it’s just him and I through thick and thin. Ok that sounds a bit dramatic, but you know what I mean.

After crying me a river, I went on my knees, I prayed about everything that had been on my mind. I listened to my son’s heartbeat reminding myself that no matter what happened, I had survived everything that I had been through and that I would do the same with everything that is coming. I reminded myself that I had come this far not just to come this far.

Sometimes you become so attached to people that you forget that the actual power is within you.

I don’t know what you’re going through, but we will all get through it. I’m rooting for all of us! So, here’s a little pick me up, Life is tough but so are you darling. And if you’re reading this, it means that you’ve survived 100% of your bad days, go crush some more and come out victorious on the other side because I am rooting for you. You are not alone. I love you; God loves you, he didn’t bring you this far just to bring you this far. You’re doing great. Just chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Complaining Series….

You know how they say, “don’t let your bad days trick you into thinking you have a bad life” Hmmmm I have been trying to remind myself of that lately

See since this Pandemic started, I don’t want to sound ungrateful but Argh the universe has just been against me.

Just in case you haven’t noticed it yet, yes this is a complaining post. Yes, I am complaining. This is the purpose of this my blog after all

You know when you feel like everything is just going wrong. Every aspect of your life is just not going the way it is supposed to go. Its like God has forgotten me or what. Or is he not hearing my prayers, or he’s punishing me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m cursed or if any of my parents are and its just following me because I can’t think of anything in this life that I could have done, that would justify this hardship. I AM TIRED.

See I am ready to be a baby girl and live the baby girl lifestyle. I am tired of working on my own and hustling and having to spend my own money. I am tired of adulthood. It’s a scam. My mother warned me but I refused to listen. Hell even my dad warned me and I still didn’t heed to his advice. I should have stayed in my mother’s womb.

What I want now is just to relax and be taken care off. I am ready to shake my ass on a yacht in Dubai. In a thong (Shoutout to Nella Rose). I am ready to put my feet up and just sip on some overpriced champagne and do nothing. I am ready for someone to take my responsibilities and make them theirs.

Ok fine, I’m getting carried away by my dramatics, but you get the point.

It just feels like no matter how much I pray, no matter how much I worship, it keeps falling on deaf ears. All my mates are legit moving forward in life. At least that’s what it feels like. My mates that are doing it, do they have two heads and yes, I said that in the most African way possible.

You see that quote about not being tricked into thinking you’re having a bad life, yeah please someone should take it upon themselves to remind me because it sure as hell seems like it.

Normally, I would tell you to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10, which I still am. However I need that chinning up as well because my chin is definitely not up !

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Relationship Saga

Heeey my lovelies, I feel like it’s been forever! I just haven’t been inspired lately plus I’ve had a crappy week. I hope you guys are doing better than I am. I literally cried myself to sleep last night. Yes, that is how bad it is.

Mind you I never cry for one reason; it was all my feelings that I had been bottling in that got triggered by one thing and then everything just comes out.

But my friend and I had this very interesting discussion about relationships because when is someone not going through relationship stuff right!?

How many times does one have to forgive (the same) behavior before deciding to stay or let go?

How many times do we have to have a conversation about the same things before deciding that the relationship is not improving?

At what point does a relationship become toxic?

Is there an exact moment for these things?

In my course of dating, I have been lied to, I have lied, I have rejected, and I have been rejected, I even caught a guy that I liked sexting with his ex. The whole inappropriate texting was not the first time that had happened to me, and it made me so paranoid.

Point of correction, I have trust issues! When it happened to me the first time, I didn’t let go, I had developed the “he didn’t sleep with her” mentality (at least as far I knew of, he hadn’t slept with her/them yet).

When it happened again, the sexting itself was minor comparing to what really hurt me. It was someone we had extensive conversations about, someone “who didn’t mean anything”, as human beings like to say,

I could actually go and on about this matter because I have the ability to put myself back in a situation and feel everything again but we move.

Now sometimes I find myself wondering if I have become a toxic partner. I wonder if I project my fears and insecurities on to people who probably don’t deserve it. I guarantee you that I have not always been like this but it seems pain changes some things about you.

But why can’t human beings just be faithful tho……. Ok now I’m drifting from my initial thought

Back to my initial thought, we see so many couples who have been together for years and yet they are so unhappy, African parents are prime example, most of us kids boast of how our grandparents and parents were married for 30+ years and we also saw how unhappy they were, we saw how grandpa and daddy had 5 other concubines outside, suddenly mummy is raising a child that isn’t hers. A lot of the men from generations before us were physically and emotionally abusive, yet we label them “strong”.

So, I ask again, when do you hold on and when do you let go?

I’ve always admired people who have worked on their relationship and came back stronger, it doesn’t matter what threw them off course, but does it mean that the one who decided to let took the easy way out?

I find it interesting that most romantic relationship issues are mostly internal. The weapon fashioning against most relationships is always at least one person in the relationship.

Someone is either lying, cheating, not communicating effectively, not listening, texting other people, hiding their partner, not giving enough attention and so many other things. Can we just love each other and let the weapon fashioning against us actually come from outside and not from within?

Oh well I wish us all luck out here because its not easy. Don’t go creating fake scenarios and hurt your feelings (I am the queen of this).

Oooooh if you thought I had an answer to the above-mentioned questions, sorry I don’t. I just wing it myself. Hell, I’ve been cheated on when I should have seen the signs so if you have any Tipps for me, let a sis know.

Until we all find our soulmates in this life, we chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Birthday Post

I woke up a few days ago and I felt very sad. I’m grateful for the new age and I’ve definitely come a long way since last year. It’s been a lot of growth, accountability, tears, everything you can think of. And yes, sometimes I still fall short but I’m definitely not where I was a year ago.

I woke up feeling sad because I missed the little girl who always got a new outfit and a party every year. My mum used to throw me a party every year.

As soon as the clock hit midnight, she would her hands on my head, pray for me then anoint my head with anointing oil. I miss those days.

I miss being a kid without responsibilities.

I miss being a daughter. I miss my mother.

I miss her hugs. And Yes, we talk over the phone but it will never be the same.

Her level of effort on my birthdays was unmatched. I don’t know how she did it but she always came through and that’s what I miss.

I look back at these last years and all the battles, some of which I’ve lost, through all my tears, I just wish she could hold my hand through it all.

In as much as I miss all these things, it is my birthday after all, and I am still grateful.

I am grateful for life. For family, for friends, for everything that I have while working on the things I want to achieve.

I am grateful because I am living in one of my prayers while God is working on the next miracle at his own time.

I am grateful for what has gone my way and for the things that didn’t go my way.

I am grateful for growth. And I hope someone throws me a surprise party. (A girl can dream right). Now don’t forget to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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My Prayer: Proverbs 31

I was speaking to an old friend who was asking about my dating life. Then the question came up, what kind of man are you looking for this time. My answer, short and simple: A Godly Man!

A few weeks ago, at bible studies, we spoke about relationships/courtships and what’s written in the bible about it. Before that session if you had asked me what I was looking for in a man, I would probably say a good man, kind, loving, a born-again Christian. It would have been a list.

That session however, made me realize that a “good man” simply won’t cut it! Yes, I said it. A good man is just not good enough. Allow me to explain.

Up until last year even, I would have called myself a good woman and therefore, a good man would have been enough. But I’ve come to the realization that I don’t want to be a good woman anymore. It’s just not enough.

I want to be a great woman. I want to be a phenomenal woman. I want to make things happen and what better way to do all those things than to just work towards becoming a godly woman. A Proverbs 31 woman.

A godly woman deserves a godly man. A man filled with the fruit of the spirit. For those who aren’t familiar with it, go read Galatians 5:22. The passage says the fruit of the IS! not the fruit of the spirit ARE. But it uses a singular term which means that a godly man/woman must have all those qualities!

Someone once said to me that I didn’t possess the characteristics of a woman. Soft, meek, nurturing, SUBMISSIVE etc.

Since I started my journey of self-discovery and self-betterment, I have realized that, that statement was totally wrong. Yes, I am a woman of strong character and I have very strong opinions and I can acknowledge the fact that it may come across as arrogance (which I am working on) but one thing is for sure I can never in this life submit to a man without a vision and a mission. Come and beat me. I said it.

I can never submit to wasted potential! I can never submit to a man who’s not striving for greatness! I can never submit to a man, who does not want to be a husband! (There’s a huge difference between a man seeking for a wife and a man who actually wants to be a husband).

I can go on and on about the qualities of a godly man but then again, a godly man also deserves a godly woman.

So recently my prayer points have changed, and they have become about myself!

I pray that God makes me teachable and submissive.

Like Ruth, I pray he makes me hard-working.

Like Esther, I pray he makes me brave and courageous.

Like Rachel, I pray he makes me patient.

Like Hannah and Mary Magdalene, I pray he makes me faithful to his word.

Like Deborah, I pray he makes me a great and compassionate leader.

Above all, I pray to become a Proverbs 31 woman!

My prayer points have become about myself because I cannot demand for a man that I am not prepared for. God will not shower you with blessings when you are not ready to receive them, so I have to be prepared.

Lastly, my prayers are about myself because a godly man knows he also has work to do, which he will, and it will be between himself and God!

While you’re working on becoming a godly (wo)man, don’t forget to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Confession Time: I am learning and unlearning.

And some days I forget what it is to be gentle with myself- how to look at myself with kind eyes and speak to myself with soft words. Forget that i am my home and a temple worthy of worship.

Becca Lee

I guess I have to come to a point in my life, where I recognize that unlearning is the highest form of learning.

I believe the “learning” part is actually the easier part. Unlearning however, Not So Easy. So when starting the journey of unlearning patterns that you may have believed majority of your life, you just have to be kind and patient with yourself because that ish can be messy.

We have been conditioned to believe certain things about ourselves. we have been conditioned to believe that there may be a certain way to do certain things.

Women, for a very long time, were conditioned to believe that our self worth is tied to a man.

For a long time we believe certain things (about ourselves) that we may have learnt either from home or through experience.

If we are brave enough, we may just seek out the hidden knowledge that we’ve been conditioned to not believe. And that right there is the beginning of taking back power over your life because you uncover the seed of your authentic self.

So here are a few things I am unlearning in my journey:

I don’t always have to make my point! : Maybe it’s just me becoming more mature but I really do not have the energy to make my point anymore. A little it to a fault. Some people have already decided to misunderstand you anyways so why bother. I say OK and I keep it moving. What I am learning however, is how to set clear boundaries and stand firm on those boundaries ! That’s a form of self-care.

It’s ok for people to take 2-3 business days to get back to me. I used to hate this when I was younger but now I have become them ! Don’t judge, Adulthood is really hitting hard. What I am learning is that sometimes people are busy, sometimes people forget to text you. Sometimes people are just not in the right frame of mind to text you or call you back and that’s ok. We are adults and Adulthood is one of the most difficult hoods there is out there.

Just because I am a good person, doesn’t mean everyone will see my worth and do right by me. What I am learning however is that I am not for everyone and everyone isn’t for me. What’s most important is that I know myself and I don’t let other people determine my worth. I am learning to stand firm is what I believe myself to be. I am learning to believe in my ability to heal and get on with it no matter who chooses to stay and who chooses to leave. I am learning that I am whole by myself.

The process of unlearning a pattern that you’ve been accustomed to will not be easy. It will be messy because on some days you will fall right back into your old ways and you will have to call yourself out on your BS and get on the right track with the process and that’s ok. While you’re at it, chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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I met someone

You know that relationship after a breakup, you are unsure because it seems like everything is too good to b e true? Well, I think I met someone. Would it be too forward to say I love him

He makes me really happy and I haven’t been really happy in what? A year maybe…….

S.I.K.E !! You thought I will tell you the full story (It’s unfortunate you can’t see me but I have my devilish smile on)

But hey, my love life is not up for discussion today. Until then here a few reminders for those of you out there who want to get back on the dating scene.

  1. PRIORITISE YOURSELF!!!!

Focus more on yourself and your needs. We tend to wonder too much about the other person. Whether or not they like us, we wonder if we’re good enough for them. Do they like the way we dress, eat etc. Switch up the narrative. Ask yourself if they are good enough for you. Do you even like them or are you too preoccupied with trying to impress them. Do you have fun with them?

2. Know What You Want But Be Realistic.

When you don’t know what you want, you will end up attracting all sorts of people. Confused people, lost people, abusive people, name it. And in the end, they end up pouring their negative energy into your cup and you get pulled back into some really dark place that you may have left behind.

Nobody has it all figured out, including you. Be realistic about what you want brought to the table. Be realistic about your “checklist” because one thing is certain, nobody will ever tick that checklist 100%. So, make sure you are aware of what is and is not negotiable. Take people as they are and not what you think they could be. Lastly, be realistic about what you are bringing to the table. What we are not trying to do is be hypocrites. It’s a give and take after all, you can’t just be receiving.

3. Rejection Is Not So Personal.

Ok I am not a fan of ghosting because I believe people should just say what they feel and say it with their full chest. Few people have the decency to express their lack of interest, but most people don’t, and when this happens, baby don’t take it personal. It most likely has nothing to do with you as a person. People lose interest in people every day, hell you might lose interest in someone, and it wouldn’t be personal. Moral of the story is: Your worth does not diminish just because one person was not or lost interest in you.

4. Be Honest.

This is self-explanatory. Be honest with yourself and with the other person. Be honest about your feelings and intentions. Feelings change and when they do, make sure to communicate them. Know when to hold on, know when to leave. Don’t be afraid to start over.

If the other person is giving you hints, take them hints, don’t force yourself on people, there is so many fish in the sea. Tell yourself the gospel truth and move on.

5. Be Patient.

Also, very self-explanatory. Nothing good comes easy.

How does the saying go: what comes easy won’t last and what lasts won’t come easy. There’s no need to rush, that’s when you settle for just anyone and make long term mistakes that may cost you a lot of pain and heartbreak. Be patient, take your time. Get to know people for who they are. Get to know yourself for who you are with those people.

Whilst you’re dating, don’t forget to pray, read your bible, and put whoever you are dating in prayer because the devil may just send you one of his disciples disguised in everything that you want. Now chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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I (don’t) Trust you.

Have you ever trusted someone? Blindly, with your life? Yes, No? If your answer is yes, then I hope you trusted Jesus.

I find the concept of trust to be rather fascinating. Such a small word yet holds great meaning to it. The easiest way to gain is by just being honest. It might take weeks, month or even years to build yet can be lost in a matter of seconds.

One lie. One betrayal. One stab in the back and it is gone. Once it’s gone, you begin to question everything. One lie is all it takes for trust to be broken and a bunch of truth to be questioned.

Lady Gaga, in one of her songs, said “Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broken, But you can still the crack in that motherf*cker’s reflection”

I recently had someone close to me break my trust and trust me I already have trust issues. I don’t trust people easily, so when I do trust someone and it gets taken for granted, I am really hurt.

Naturally, I was…. I am hurt but the tricky part is when you love someone, a family member, a friend, your spouse, you always try to understand WHY. That is always in the forefront.

The Why is, in my opinion, the reason most people take their cheating partners back. You ever noticed that after one person cheats and after we’ve all cursed them, our next course of action is to understand why! I know someone who cheated on their partner and even though we condemned this action we understood why the person did it (which in no way justifies what they had done).

The Why is the reason why toxic Family members stick around for far too long.

Why and Love. Because we love them, we want to understand. In my humble opinion, I believe that the why is our own way of somewhat justifying their actions because we tell ourselves that when we understand why they did, then maybe we can work on it and then it might not happen again.

I have used that reasoning as well. But not to stay but to leave. If I had known why, I would have stayed. Anyways now we are getting into another topic there……

Trust is like a vase, once it’s broken, though you can fix it, the vase will never be same again.

– Walter Anderson

A piece of paper does not get back to its initial form after it has been folded.

No matter how much you try to repair a plate, glass, whatever that’s breakable, it will never go back to its perfect form.

No matter how much we apologize for offending someone or hurting them with our words, we cannot take them back after they have been spoken and the person cannot “un-hear” them either. My point is Its better and easier to keep something intact than trying to repair it.

Trust dies but mistrust blossoms

– Sophocles

Trust is so delicate and if you have the power to not break it, you shouldn’t do it. Preserve your relationship with your loved ones because something so little can really mess with people’s minds. And if you have broken someone’s trust and you’re GENUINLY working on getting it back then I wish you best of luck because good and genuine people don’t come by easy these days. Put in the work. If the friendship or relationship with anyone is worth it, work on reinstating the trust, and I know it is hard. I have been there. Multiple times. While you’re working on regaining someone’s trust or working on trusting someone back, don’t forget to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Girls Talk

I feel like it’s been such a while…. I hope everyone is doing great. I am ok. Not. These past two weeks have been terrible. I was not under pressure from school or anything. Ok I always am but that’s not the reason these past two weeks have been terrible. I was just really down. Something happened and it just took all my energy. But anyways let us talk about something light this time.

I met with my girls over the weekend, and we don’t get to do that all the time because two of the girls live further away, one was busy with exams, and everyone just generally trying to get through this scam called adulthood.

Meeting with my friends is always therapeutic. We hardly get the time to meet but whenever we do, it reminds me that having a good circle of friends is important because we all can’t get through life alone. We need people. And these girls have been there for me sand have always come through for me no matter what.

Anyways one of the topics that came up is of course relationship and men. So, Five of us, three with man and two with no man and of course those with man complain about their men and those without man complain that they cant find man. Not that anyone is actively looking for man, but it always seems like what we want, even those with man, is too much these days.

I am talking simple loyalty, a god fearing man, sprinkle a tiny weeny bit of romance in there, the right kind of love language. And don’t get wrong, even men be looking for “good women” these days and they don’t seem to find them, so the question came up: Where do these Instagram couples meet each other. Where do people meet these days.

It’s like men don’t know how to talk to girls these days because I cringe a lot when I see certain things. Men complain that women don’t treat them well and their efforts are taken for granted. So where does a good man meet a good woman and vice versa. It really can’t be that difficult right? Help a sister out. That ladies and gentlemen was the question of our day.

By the end of the evening, I learnt that love language is of utmost importance. Just because you say you love someone; does not mean they feel loved. We have to find the right balance between loving people the way we know and loving them the way they also would understand.

I learnt that it is ok to be happy and content on your own but also crave romantic intimacy with your own personal person. Not everyone who wants a romantic partner is lonely. I know from experience that having your own personal somebody where you feel 100% comfortable is an amazing feeling. The gossips, the inside jokes, everything.

I learnt that just because people are together doesn’t mean they are happy. But we are not ready to have that conversation. Forget that “aww they’ve been together for so long”. It’s a scam. I know quite a few relationships like this.

I learnt that what works for couple A mustn’t work for couple B. Please do you.

I learnt that it is not always the men. Sometimes women are trash !

I don’t know how many of you are having the same “issues” as my friends and I. We really cannot be the only ones who want to meet people but hardly go out and out put ourselves out there.  Don’t be like us if you want to find love. Go out and meet people and if youre like us, well may God help us.

At the end of the day, we all shall be fine. Must be fine. Until you meet your future Mr(S) perfect, Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.