Author: Armandine XX

Categories
Single Motherhood

A day in the life of…… (2)

“Dont worry everything you deserve will locate you soon”! Those words have not left my mind since they got said to me few weeks ago. But what do I even deserve?

It’s almost 9pm. The little man has had dinner, taken a shower, we read a book and he’s been tucked in, ready to refill for another day. And me, I am currently operating on 3 hours of sleep because that same little man dictates my sleeping pattern and some nights are just not good.

I skipped breakfast, technically skipped lunch because between getting ready in the morning, dropping him off at school, rushing to the other side of town for work, most days there’s just not enough time for breakfast.

There’s no time for lunch either because working only 6 hours daily doesn’t permit me to take breaks. So I normally just settle for a very late lunch/ early dinner and maybe a snack before bed.

It is 9:05pm and I realize that I’m fucked. Of course I am the one who’s fucked. School is closed for little man next week and I have pedagogical days at work…. Ain’t that great…..that basically means I cannot take the week off work.

I forgot. Or it just didn’t sink into my brain on time, either way I am left to find alternatives on my own. Again. Where is the co-parent when you need him, aahhh yes living the comfortable life.

“I just don’t want you to be going through stuff and you’re not telling me”, I laugh it off because at this point I’m not just going through stuff but stuff is also going through me 😂.

It’s not that I’m going through stuff, it is just that my racing mind never reaches its destination.

It’s not that I’m going through stuff but how do I explain that I’m somehow on the verge of breaking down because I find myself in this hamster wheel that has to keep spinning.

However, whose fault is it, I should have chosen better for myself when I had the chance, that’s what I’ve been told and that’s what I catch myself believing sometimes. I should have chosen better.

Isaiah 60:22. I repeat that to myself and somehow wait to fight another day until it’s my turn to receive everything I deserve because psalm 23 says that goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life so I believe that whatever this is, it produces perseverance and that perseverance produces character and in turn hope.

So that hamster wheel will keep spinning and it will come to an end some day but for now we run.

Btw you see that psalm 23, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. “All the days of my life”, I can’t even dodge the goodness coming my day even if I wanted to and neither can you. So keep running in your hamster wheel because when that goodness hits you, it will be glorious. Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

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Uncategorized

A trip down memory lane

I went back home briefly over the weekend. Lol can I even call it home

I want back to the city I used to live in with my family. Usually when I go back, it’s to either drop my kid or see my sister and for both reasons, I’m always either in and out within hours and my sister lives outside the city so I take a different route. This time however, this time I walked down the road I used to take to get to school and I didn’t think it would affect me this much.

All I could about was the transition from being a child growing up with a loving family to coming tonGermany living in hostile, unloving environment and having to quickly grow up.

When did it get so bad that school became an escape. Leaving the house was all I could think about. I would leave the house early but take the longer route to get home. How hostile it must have been that we all wanted to be anywhere but home…

I was promised a better education no doubt. But I was also promised love and care. I was promised protection. I was a child. I should have been loved and protected. He should have made sure of that but instead here we are.

Looking back I used to wonder what I did wrong. What was wrong with me. Why couldn’t he just love me. Sometimes I still think there must be something wrong with me. I must be doing something wrong because why won’t my parent love me. Why was it so easy for him to not speak to me for over 5 years.

In as much as I don’t believe it’s my duty to repair this relationship, I am aware that it is paramount that we speak. It is paramount because my inner child needs healing to be able to flourish fully. It is paramount because I know that deep down, that is where my fear of rejection lies. Above all it is paramount because I need my dad. My inner child needs her father to sometimes calm her raging mind. My inner child needs her father to sometimes remind her that he’s proud. My inner child needs her father to give her some encouragement from time to time. My inner child needs parental reassurance, a hug or just to know that everything’s going to be ok.

No matter how accustomed I am to living life without him, my adult self also needs her father. Let’s all chin up and read Isaiah 41:10

Categories
Single Motherhood

Diary of a single mother….

I had one of those week. where I had to remind myself that I am genuinely a good person.

To all the women who have partners present to comfort you when you’re sad and overwhelmed, how does it feel to be God’s favorite!? I had to sleep on my cold bed, crying myself to sleep ALONE….imagine that

With me it’s like it’s not just one thing that goes wrong, everything goes wrong simultaneously. Every possible thing you can think of that will affect my mental health, will go wrong at the same time and I don’t even have the luxury of locking myself up in my house and crying so I have to wait til night time. Even that is exhausting. Imagine having to hold your tears throughout the day because my mini human can’t see me cry.

Nobody talks about the grief that comes after you’ve set certain boundaries. You go from knowing you’re doing the best for yourself to questioning if that really was a good decision. In my case I set boundaries and question if the decisions I made were in the best interest for my son. If you know me, you know I’m an over thinker and I have anxiety so I pick apart every little detail, every interaction, every step…..forgetting that I’m not just making decisions for him but also making decisions to protect myself. I instantly feel bad if the decision I took also had my best interest at heart because in my world it’s all about him and if I don’t do the right thing, nobody does….if I make a mistake his future depends on it….

But when dealing with an uncooperative co-parent, sometimes you have to make firm decisions and stand by them.

I feel perpetual exhaustion, not because I’m working so hard (which I also am!) but because it’s so many responsibilities on my tiny shoulders and I have nobody to give some to…

I felt this perpetual tiredness this week because it seems as though my reaction to everything was plain wrong…

I felt this sharp pain when someone said that my heart was made of stone…..

One thing you cannot take away from human beings is the fact that someone will do something to you and turn around to point fingers at your reactions because your reaction is not beneficial to them. That “I did what I did at your expense but please heal on your own because I’m tired of hearing you speak about it”. I didn’t choose my brain, I didn’t choose to be an over thinker, I don’t want my brain to process things the way it does but that’s just how I’m wired and clearly I’m not that far in my healing journey to program it otherwise…..

It almost feels like I am cursed to deal with everything alone. But whatever I am feeling right now has to be tossed to the side because I have work tomorrow…..

I should probably go back on bended knees and ask the Lord for some strength and if he wishes he can throw in some razzle dazzle and show me my future, atleast so I know if it’ll be worth it……Maybe I’ll feel differently in the morning but until then…..read Isaiah 41:10 for the two of us because I think I am fighting with God. I know he does everything in his own time but the human in me is tired.

Categories
Love and Romantic Relationships

Love Love Love 3: Valentine’s Day

Listen… if you know me, you already know how much I love me some love. I’m just smiling really….. Happy Valentine’s Day my lovelies, I sure hope you all went all out for your romantic partners. I for one wasn’t so lucky but I feel so much better now. I just got off the phone with my sisters and they clearly had a blast.

I love all the valentine content I’m seeing on social media, I’m loving the pictures I got from my friends. People are going all out this year and I am loving it. Is it all the bouquets of flowers, the rooms decorated in red roses, the long distance boyfriends and girlfriends doing special deliveries, making sure their partners are happy….I’m loving all of it and I am here for it. Enjoy it. I hope the love continues tomorrow and forever.

And for all of you hiding your boyfriend’s face….. you think you’re mature init😂

For the chronic single ones, who don’t have a bae, better luck next year

For the ones who are in relationships yet didn’t get spoiled… I have no words, are you not embarrassed because I am embarrassed for you 😂

For those in relationships but claim they don’t celebrate Val’s day, well you don’t celebrate Val’s day but yet you also got nothing for Christmas and your birthday, Sir, Ma’am sorry to break it to you but your partner don’t like you. These ones be claiming “valentine’s day is just another day” ok but did you get flowers on March 24 tho?? So what’s your point

For all of us that nobody posted, no gifts, no sweet messages, no office deliveries, no I love you, no you are the light of my life, no I miss you, I wish you were here, no late night calls…..just existing baby girl, show yourself some self love. Don’t be like my friend who’s currently sipping her tears in self pity 😂 it’s not the end of the world. Call a friend, there’s always next years and you have the rest of the year to find your suitable bae. If that doesn’t work out, we can all have a GALentines day. Turn on some candles, listen to some music. Whatever you do, remember to read Isaiah 41:10 because clearly he’s the only one who’s gon spoil us at this point.

You wish this was you huh
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Uncategorized

One thing I’m too old for….

Is there anything you feel too old to do anymore?

I feel too old to repeat myself to another grown adult. Unfortunately I’m that type of person to give people, especially romantic partners, chance after chance because you’re holding on to that little bit of hope.

However I feel so drained after repeating myself. You definitely heard me the first time. You heard me the second time. Although I know that my selfworth isn’t tied to my friends or my partner, I sometimes wonder if I’m just not good enough. It’s something I’ve battled with for a long time now because I ask myself why can’t they hear me, why can’t they see me. What can I do differently for them to consider my feelings but in reality a lot of times it is the opposite actually. They aren’t good enough for me. They aren’t special, it’s my love for them that makes them appear more special in my eyes.

In reality people battle demons that has nothing to do with you. People need their ego stroked, men especially. But you know what I am not God and my mercies don’t endured forever.

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Uncategorized

A day in the life of….

A day in the life of who even? A single parent? A student? An aspiring social worker? Lol at this point I’m confused. I am all of the above and more.

Just trying to refill my ability to repeat myself some more
Operation take more pictures going ok I guess…….

An Input I got a lot, was to talk about my daily life a bit more… well there’s nothing interesting there tbh. My schedule is as follows

5:30 a.m: my alarm rings. But I don’t wake up until 6 lmao, please I can’t come and kill myself. We get ready and that consists of mainly me repeating myself and trying not to lose my shit at 6am in the morning.

I drop off the center of my universe at school and head to work. I work with kids. I know, somebody pinch me. I leave mine to go work with more. My day also mainly consists of me repeating myself and trying not to lose my shit the whole day because let’s face it, getting on your nerves is what these midgets do best.

I pick up the center of my universe at 4pm, you would think my day ends there, nope it doesn’t. It’s time for entertainment. That means spending some quality time. Either we chill outside some more because he has eaten, slept and gotten a snack at school, so of course he is energized, or we bake because somehow he has decided that baking is his new thing now. Whichever option he feels like doing, nothing is beneficial to me because who cares about me anyways as long as baby boy is living his best life.

We get home mostly around 6pm. The center of my universe has to eat, shower and prepare for bed. We pray then it’s probably around 8. I tuck him in. He doesn’t fall asleep immediately, he comes knocking at my door too many times because he can’t sleep since he napped in the afternoon. On some days I can’t be bothered and he succeeds in sleeping in my room, on other days like today, i don’t give two shits because why did I spend so much money furnishing your room my guy, you better go there and enjoy yourself.

Now where do I come into the picture, you may ask? Right now. It is currently 8:55pm. It is quiet. I haven’t eaten but I will. I’ve spent too much time on this couch rethinking and reconsidering all my life choices. I’ve journaled a little bit. I’m just going over my day in my head.

Work was hectic and on days like this, where I feel really exhausted, I cannot help but feel sorry for myself and focus on all the things that could have been had I done this or that differently. Yeah I know I’m just being ungrateful while also being human. I am so tired. I am struggling to believe in that Isaiah 41 I always tell people to read. But I’m gonna read it anyways. So yeah this is mainly what my day looks like. Ooh and I didn’t mention school because well I’m almost at the end and ain’t much to do there at the moment. I’m gonna find something to eat, shower and sleep because the cycle restarts tomorrow. Good night my lovelies.

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Uncategorized

New Year, Redefined Me

Hi lovelies, is it too late to wish you happy new year? I suppose it is but I’ll do it anyways, Happy New Years my darlings, it’s been a hot minute hasn’t it. I hope all of you are well, I’ve been through a series of emotions, seasonal depression, sadness, numbness but also gratitude. A whole lot of things to be thankful for. Looking back at last year, I can boldly say it’s the first year in a long time that I was able to accomplish some goals that I had set out for at the beginning of the year. But you know how it goes with us humans, we’re ingrates. Something you’ve been praying for happens and instead of taking a few moments to soak it in, it’s on to the next forgetting that you’re always living in one of your prayer points.

Can we deep that for a second, you are literally always living in one of your prayer points, wether it be a roof over your head, food on your table, clothes on your back and a lot more specific prayers, you are always living in one of your prayer points.

Will it sound unambitious if I said that I have no set goals this year? At least not in the way that you may think. Yes I want to progress in life and have all the good stuff life has to offer career wise but this year I choose to focus on my personal life. I choose to focus on some of my character traits that need working on and trust me there’s a few. I’m not gonna start naming them here but it became very clear to me when I was speaking to a friend and a few days later I realized I had over shared. It wouldn’t have been a bad thing few years ago but I just realized that this particular friend just didn’t share as much with me anymore as they used to. They didn’t invite me to something that was a milestone in their life. It showed me that I had to stay in my lane and realize that a lot of my friendship dynamics had changed and it was ok. Friends don’t stay close forever. It showed me that I don’t have to overplay my role in people’s lives.

New focus unlocked: Take more pictures

Btw I made a story on my instagram asking “my followers” to give me some ideas on what to write about because let’s face it writers block is real (LOL am I even a writer!?) Trust and believe that post went right past every one, I kid you not, everyone you would think would jump on a train to support me. But even that is ok. I will not expect anything anymore and I say that in the most kindest and with most love in my heart.

If you do not support me the way that I support you or the way that I have supported you that is ok. I am learning to not feel entitled to my “friends” time, support, Information, life update….. whatever it is, name it. People can only share what they feel comfortable sharing. And with this said friend that I mentioned earlier I’ve also noticed that things we would normally freely talk about, now all of a sudden they are not comfortable sharing or whatever it is. And that is ok.

Notice how I’m saying a lot of that is ok, that’s because really and truly in life, the harsh truth is that you have no choice than to learn to be ok with how things turn out. Especially when you have no control over them. It is ok. It will be ok. You have to make sure you are always ok enough to function and go about your life. Put your life on do not disturb, just like I put my iPhone on DND all the time. Call back when need be, text back when need be. Reach out to important people in your life. Anything that’s not worth it shouldn’t and will not have my and your attention.

Lol I said I wouldn’t name what I’m working on and here I am still writing some down…..

Above all, I’m learning to stay calm. Control my emotions. Focus on what I can control while still telling some humans to fuck off, respectfully of course. Focus on me and my personal growth.

I think I digressed a little bit but as the year goes we’ll talk more and more about the things I shall be working on. We may touch on subjects that I consciously avoided writing about last year for various reasons. Although it’s a new year, the motto stays the same, Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.

Categories
unpopular opinions

My (Un)Popular Opinions: Sex Edition

Hello my loves, how have you all been? I’ve been good. Im alive, I guess that counts for something. Let’s talk sex today.

It’s always such a taboo topic. People always act like they don’t have it. Just saying the full term is awkward to some of you so lets say it together:

Sex sex sex sex sex sex. Now that we’ve gotten a bit more comfortable with the term lets get into it, shall we?

First of all, let me start by saying that this is a safe space. Ain’t nothing too awkward to talk about. Sex is natural. Just practice safe sex.

Now here are some of my controversial/unpopular opinions about sex with little to no explanations.

  1. Sex itself is very overrated.
  2. Doggystyle is definitely NOT the best position. It aint bad but the best?? C’mon now. what are you enjoying? His balls clapping your ass? And why do men always try put their whole weight on you?
  3. Toys definitely belong in the bedroom. Trust me that vibrator gon make you finish quicker than that man’s tongue or fingers. Plus why not just explore yourselves? It’s a good thing.
  4. Missionary is underrated.
  5. Dry humping is actually underrated.
  6. Sex in the shower? Really, that ish is dangerous. Don’t believe what the porn website told you
  7. Excessive talking is a turn off! All that dirty talk is fine in MODERATION, don’t talk too much baby, youre ruining the moment. Just moan in my ear, that’ll do the job even better

I would normally tell to read your bible but I don’t think this is the post for it, so see you next time loves.

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Uncategorized

I Am (Not) Strong

I am very certain that people who commit suicide don’t unalive themselves because they don’t want to live. Staying alive, however, is pretty tough when the tunnel seems to be very dark, with no sign of any light at the end of it.

Nobody really talks about how difficult it is to stay running this marathon called life, because life surely ain’t no 100m sprint, it’s a marathon. A never ending one at that. You have to keep running until you take your last breath.

We glamorize the destination, and a lot of times minimize and dismiss the courage it takes to stay in the race.

Phrases like “you re so strong” or “you’re not alone”… I mean yes, I get it. But how do you explain to someone that its going to get better when everything is looking dark and there seems to be no way out.

I am not alone yet whenever I find myself in a dark cloud, I am always alone. Try reaching my generation through a phone call (myself included), its most likely not going to happen.

How do you explain to me that I am not a burden to you when each time I express myself, you dismiss me. You minimize my feelings and in the end, I regret ever wanting to open up to you in the first place.

“You are so strong” Bullshit. I am definitely not strong. I don’t even want to be at this point.

Am I strong or am I just holding on because I have child. The same child who drains me, is the same reason why I haven’t let go all these years.

I am not strong. I don’t want to be.

I have broken down way too many times than I can count just in the space of one week yet no avenue to let it out because the same people who assure you, they’re there for you are the same people who desert you when the going gets tough, suddenly you find out you are the only tough one who keeps going.

No, I am not strong, and I really do not want to be. At this point.  

I had a major meltdown. Sweaty palm, shaky hands, heart beating fast. BP rising, shaky legs, couldn’t stay still, just pacing around my apartment. Almost the whole night.

When all the tears had dried up and I finally summoned the courage to look at my reflection in the mirror, I asked myself, is it worth it. I mean being alive is becoming quite expensive.

No. I am not strong. And I really do not want to be. At this point.

I am a delicate flower and I want to be treated like an egg. An egg that can break at any point so please be gentle with me.

I am expected to wake up in less than 6 hours, put a smile on my face and function. And of course, I will function because that is what it takes to stay running this race. I will function because I cannot afford to not function.

I would tell you to read Isaiah 41:10 but I haven’t read it in a while. Maybe I should, and so should you.

Categories
Love and Romantic Relationships

Love Love Love Part 2

Hi lovelies, it’s been a hot minute. Hope you all are doing just fine.

You know how sometimes you aren’t happy but you’re also not unhappy, you’re just existing in between and just taking it as it comes…. Yeah, that has been me….

Lmao, who am I kidding, I’ve been stressed with a lot of necessary and unnecessary things and therefore I keep pouring from an almost empty cup. I recently found out that my dad has been trying to get a hold of me…don’t really know how to feel about that…

I should be sleeping. Its 2:48a.m, I haven’t gotten much sleep the whole week. However instead of sleeping, I let someone’s words and actions make me feel as though I was difficult to love…I’ve been in this position a few times in my life. But we love love around here so here are a few reminders, for you and me, of what love may look like.

love is a verb, hence it always requires action.

Sometimes love is as simple as just paying attention to the one in front of you

It’s in the genuine “text me when you get home”.

It’s in the “naah I can’t do the other person like this”.

It’s in the “I got you”.

It’s in the “Hey I’m just a little busy/occupied right now, I’ll text back as soon as I can”.

It’s in the “I know you’ve been feeling a little down lately, let me run you a bath”.

It’s in the “good morning beautiful, good morning handsome” text message.

It’s in the random “Hey I’m just thinking about you, what are you up”.

It’s in the “I remember you liked these, so I got them for you”.

It’s in the “Hey I booked us a table and a ticket to go watch something”.

It’s in the “I thought I’d cook us some food and we watch Netflix”.

It’s in the “Tell me everything about your day”.

It’s in the “What can I do to make you feel better”.

It’s in the random meme, picture, voice not and song that was sent.

It’s in the hug that lasted a little bit longer.

It’s in the comfortable silence.

It’s in the nonverbal thoughtful gesture.

It’s in the long train/bus/car/plane ride just to see you.

It’s in the updates while hanging out with friends individually.

It’s in the laughter.

It’s in the sadness.

It’s in the tears.

It’s in the compliments.

It’s in the dates at a fancy restaurant.

It’s in the dates at a diner.

It’s in the cuddles.

It’s in the trust.

It’s in the safety.

It’s in the genuine apology.

It’s in the forgiveness.

It’s in the healthy misunderstandings.

It’s in the respected boundaries.

It’s in the priorities.

It’s in the appreciation.

It’s in the vulnerability.

It’s in the reciprocity.

It’s in the friendship.

It’s in the honesty.

It’s in the prayers.

It’s in the transparency.

It’s in the accountability.

It’s in the mutual respect.

It’s in the “I may not understand what you’re going through, but you will not go through it alone”.

Its in every gesture that’s deemed little or/and insignificant because those are the ones that matter most.

I don’t know what love is, but I want to believe that some of these points make up a big part of it. It may be expressed differently depending on the person and the situation but the core value remains the same.

Make sure to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.