It has been a hot minute since I’ve ranted and this will be one of them. so here are random things that have been present in my mind in the last few weeks:
- Why do I have to work twice as hard to be half as good? Every space I step into feels like a battlefield. I’ve perfected the art of code switching. I tone myself down so I’m not seen as too loud, too much, or too aggressive. Being a single parent has not helped because how dare me think I am good enough when I had a baby out of wedlock? So I kinda feel like I am always fighting some misconception and prejudices.
- I don’t know what softness looks like for me. what the word “soft” even mean. oftentimes, it goes hand in hand with “femininity”. Baby I don’t even know what that means. Everyone talks about rest, self-care, a woman being in her feminine energy, and black cat. They mention all that, but what does softness even look like when you’ve been hardened by survival? I have never even had the chance to be soft in a romantic relationship neither. The most amount of vulnerability that I have shown to a person without being chastised for it, is my friend. I seem to have been too much in my past relationships…maybe I am the problem? I think about the soft version of myself. I should probably start showing up as her.
- Am I running out of time? Sometimes it seems like I am. There’s this imaginary panic that comes with being single in your 30s. something about biological clock ticking and geriatric pregnancy. I don’t even know if I want more kids. I am not opposed to the idea I suppose. Society’s constant reminder that time is slipping away, that your worth is tied to who chooses you. but I refuse to rush. but I still think about it.
- Being the strong one is exhausting. Baby I told a friend that I was heartbroken and she said to me darling it’s not that deep. I still laugh about it because it’s funny.
- Can someone teach me how to make my first million. Why is it feminine energy? Why is it masculine energy? Provider, black cat, golden retriever, how to get engaged in 3 months, how to get him to chase you. Is he a dog? I am a lover girl at heart but please someone teach me how to invest. Teach me how to make money in my sleep. Teach me about ETFs and the stock market.
One day at a time 