A bad week….

I haven’t cried in a long time. Lately I just sit there staring at the wall in numbness. You know how the saying goes, if you don’t make out time to rest, your body will do that for you and it won’t be pretty…yeah that’s what’s been happening to me the last 9 days. They haven’t been pretty.. I’ve had like 3 good cries on different days 😂

I was so exhausted last week. Doing everything by myself literally kicked my ass. And it wasn’t nothing major…I had to fix my internet and somehow lost my ability to understand basic German and I just wasn’t getting it. Nothing was. One thing and I just felt like damn I shouldn’t be doing this… shouldn’t a man be doing this for me?

It wasn’t better the next day, why am I carrying crates of water… why do I have to take out the bin. And why the hell do I have to figure out how to adjust this bike so my child can ride it….. or does he just need a new one but wait shouldn’t a man be doing this for me again 😂

I kid you not, I cried for that. It’s the fatigue, exhaustion, fear, anxiety…. Everything just came crashing. But in the midst of that I had a bit of encouragement…

I had a meeting at my son’s school and they gave me an update on how he’s been doing. He’s doing great. He’s a good kid and that is thanks to me and all the overtime I put on a daily basis…..it was a great reminder that despite everything that is seemingly going wrong, I am doing something right. And I have great friends that remind me of that when I feel this way. A friend reminded me that I do so much on a daily basis that it’s ok to feel the way I’m feeling. And I myself I forget.

My job on a daily basis goes unnoticed every time. My sleepless nights. My marathons to pick up my son after work. Putting my mental health aside at all times to put my child first. The money I keep spending on the same little human mostly. Worrying about how my child is doing in kindergarten. Worrying about his social and emotional skills. Worrying about if he’s keeping up with his age mates considering he had a very difficult start in life. Worrying about all these things and still Somehow having the head to push through my own personal stuff….. I never have time to do what I want to do or just to relax……..

Let me remind you today that you’re doing great, as long as you’re doing your best. Your best isn’t always going to be 100 everyday. On some days it’s going to be 80% on others it may be 40% but as long as you’re giving it 100 on that day, no matter what that looks like, you’re doing great. As long as you’re showing up every single day. It’s ok to have a bad day, a bad week, a bad moment but don’t ever forget why you started. And if you don’t like the journey then change direction. Not everyone I’d going to be there or understand your bad moments and that’s ok. But know yourself, that’s worth much more. And no matter what you do, make sure to breathe and read Isaiah 41:10.