“Dont worry everything you deserve will locate you soon”! Those words have not left my mind since they got said to me few weeks ago. But what do I even deserve?
It’s almost 9pm. The little man has had dinner, taken a shower, we read a book and he’s been tucked in, ready to refill for another day. And me, I am currently operating on 3 hours of sleep because that same little man dictates my sleeping pattern and some nights are just not good.
I skipped breakfast, technically skipped lunch because between getting ready in the morning, dropping him off at school, rushing to the other side of town for work, most days there’s just not enough time for breakfast.
There’s no time for lunch either because working only 6 hours daily doesn’t permit me to take breaks. So I normally just settle for a very late lunch/ early dinner and maybe a snack before bed.
It is 9:05pm and I realize that I’m fucked. Of course I am the one who’s fucked. School is closed for little man next week and I have pedagogical days at work…. Ain’t that great…..that basically means I cannot take the week off work.
I forgot. Or it just didn’t sink into my brain on time, either way I am left to find alternatives on my own. Again. Where is the co-parent when you need him, aahhh yes living the comfortable life.
“I just don’t want you to be going through stuff and you’re not telling me”, I laugh it off because at this point I’m not just going through stuff but stuff is also going through me 😂.
It’s not that I’m going through stuff, it is just that my racing mind never reaches its destination.
It’s not that I’m going through stuff but how do I explain that I’m somehow on the verge of breaking down because I find myself in this hamster wheel that has to keep spinning.
However, whose fault is it, I should have chosen better for myself when I had the chance, that’s what I’ve been told and that’s what I catch myself believing sometimes. I should have chosen better.
Isaiah 60:22. I repeat that to myself and somehow wait to fight another day until it’s my turn to receive everything I deserve because psalm 23 says that goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life so I believe that whatever this is, it produces perseverance and that perseverance produces character and in turn hope.
So that hamster wheel will keep spinning and it will come to an end some day but for now we run.
Btw you see that psalm 23, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. “All the days of my life”, I can’t even dodge the goodness coming my day even if I wanted to and neither can you. So keep running in your hamster wheel because when that goodness hits you, it will be glorious. Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.
One day at a time 