I went back home briefly over the weekend. Lol can I even call it home
I want back to the city I used to live in with my family. Usually when I go back, it’s to either drop my kid or see my sister and for both reasons, I’m always either in and out within hours and my sister lives outside the city so I take a different route. This time however, this time I walked down the road I used to take to get to school and I didn’t think it would affect me this much.
All I could about was the transition from being a child growing up with a loving family to coming tonGermany living in hostile, unloving environment and having to quickly grow up.
When did it get so bad that school became an escape. Leaving the house was all I could think about. I would leave the house early but take the longer route to get home. How hostile it must have been that we all wanted to be anywhere but home…
I was promised a better education no doubt. But I was also promised love and care. I was promised protection. I was a child. I should have been loved and protected. He should have made sure of that but instead here we are.
Looking back I used to wonder what I did wrong. What was wrong with me. Why couldn’t he just love me. Sometimes I still think there must be something wrong with me. I must be doing something wrong because why won’t my parent love me. Why was it so easy for him to not speak to me for over 5 years.
In as much as I don’t believe it’s my duty to repair this relationship, I am aware that it is paramount that we speak. It is paramount because my inner child needs healing to be able to flourish fully. It is paramount because I know that deep down, that is where my fear of rejection lies. Above all it is paramount because I need my dad. My inner child needs her father to sometimes calm her raging mind. My inner child needs her father to sometimes remind her that he’s proud. My inner child needs her father to give her some encouragement from time to time. My inner child needs parental reassurance, a hug or just to know that everything’s going to be ok.
No matter how accustomed I am to living life without him, my adult self also needs her father. Let’s all chin up and read Isaiah 41:10
One day at a time 