I had one of those week. where I had to remind myself that I am genuinely a good person.
To all the women who have partners present to comfort you when you’re sad and overwhelmed, how does it feel to be God’s favorite!? I had to sleep on my cold bed, crying myself to sleep ALONE….imagine that
With me it’s like it’s not just one thing that goes wrong, everything goes wrong simultaneously. Every possible thing you can think of that will affect my mental health, will go wrong at the same time and I don’t even have the luxury of locking myself up in my house and crying so I have to wait til night time. Even that is exhausting. Imagine having to hold your tears throughout the day because my mini human can’t see me cry.
Nobody talks about the grief that comes after you’ve set certain boundaries. You go from knowing you’re doing the best for yourself to questioning if that really was a good decision. In my case I set boundaries and question if the decisions I made were in the best interest for my son. If you know me, you know I’m an over thinker and I have anxiety so I pick apart every little detail, every interaction, every step…..forgetting that I’m not just making decisions for him but also making decisions to protect myself. I instantly feel bad if the decision I took also had my best interest at heart because in my world it’s all about him and if I don’t do the right thing, nobody does….if I make a mistake his future depends on it….
But when dealing with an uncooperative co-parent, sometimes you have to make firm decisions and stand by them.
I feel perpetual exhaustion, not because I’m working so hard (which I also am!) but because it’s so many responsibilities on my tiny shoulders and I have nobody to give some to…
I felt this perpetual tiredness this week because it seems as though my reaction to everything was plain wrong…
I felt this sharp pain when someone said that my heart was made of stone…..
One thing you cannot take away from human beings is the fact that someone will do something to you and turn around to point fingers at your reactions because your reaction is not beneficial to them. That “I did what I did at your expense but please heal on your own because I’m tired of hearing you speak about it”. I didn’t choose my brain, I didn’t choose to be an over thinker, I don’t want my brain to process things the way it does but that’s just how I’m wired and clearly I’m not that far in my healing journey to program it otherwise…..
It almost feels like I am cursed to deal with everything alone. But whatever I am feeling right now has to be tossed to the side because I have work tomorrow…..
I should probably go back on bended knees and ask the Lord for some strength and if he wishes he can throw in some razzle dazzle and show me my future, atleast so I know if it’ll be worth it……Maybe I’ll feel differently in the morning but until then…..read Isaiah 41:10 for the two of us because I think I am fighting with God. I know he does everything in his own time but the human in me is tired.
One day at a time 