I am very certain that people who commit suicide don’t unalive themselves because they don’t want to live. Staying alive, however, is pretty tough when the tunnel seems to be very dark, with no sign of any light at the end of it.
Nobody really talks about how difficult it is to stay running this marathon called life, because life surely ain’t no 100m sprint, it’s a marathon. A never ending one at that. You have to keep running until you take your last breath.
We glamorize the destination, and a lot of times minimize and dismiss the courage it takes to stay in the race.
Phrases like “you re so strong” or “you’re not alone”… I mean yes, I get it. But how do you explain to someone that its going to get better when everything is looking dark and there seems to be no way out.
I am not alone yet whenever I find myself in a dark cloud, I am always alone. Try reaching my generation through a phone call (myself included), its most likely not going to happen.
How do you explain to me that I am not a burden to you when each time I express myself, you dismiss me. You minimize my feelings and in the end, I regret ever wanting to open up to you in the first place.
“You are so strong” Bullshit. I am definitely not strong. I don’t even want to be at this point.
Am I strong or am I just holding on because I have child. The same child who drains me, is the same reason why I haven’t let go all these years.
I am not strong. I don’t want to be.
I have broken down way too many times than I can count just in the space of one week yet no avenue to let it out because the same people who assure you, they’re there for you are the same people who desert you when the going gets tough, suddenly you find out you are the only tough one who keeps going.
No, I am not strong, and I really do not want to be. At this point.
I had a major meltdown. Sweaty palm, shaky hands, heart beating fast. BP rising, shaky legs, couldn’t stay still, just pacing around my apartment. Almost the whole night.
When all the tears had dried up and I finally summoned the courage to look at my reflection in the mirror, I asked myself, is it worth it. I mean being alive is becoming quite expensive.
No. I am not strong. And I really do not want to be. At this point.
I am a delicate flower and I want to be treated like an egg. An egg that can break at any point so please be gentle with me.
I am expected to wake up in less than 6 hours, put a smile on my face and function. And of course, I will function because that is what it takes to stay running this race. I will function because I cannot afford to not function.
I would tell you to read Isaiah 41:10 but I haven’t read it in a while. Maybe I should, and so should you.
One day at a time 
2 replies on “I Am (Not) Strong”
“But how do you explain to someone that its going to get better when everything is looking dark and there seems to be no way out.” – I’ve been there before…I was walking to work a few months after my dad died and the only thought that came to my mind was I don’t want to be alive anymore. That was more than nine years ago. If you told me in that moment that things would have gotten better I wouldn’t have believed you because in that moment all I saw was the bleak reality of my life. But nine years later I’ve seen how things changed around. Sometimes all we need is to know that what we feel in that moment is valid.
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That’s exactly what it is. Most of us know that we’re strong and that things will get better. It’s like you said in your moment of weakness you really just need to know that your feelings are valid instead of having people dismiss you by saying “you’re so strong” and I am aware that people
Don’t mean that phrase in a mean way.
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