I had a good cry last night. I don’t mean a tear was rolling down my cheeks, nah I mean bawling my eyes out. My son turned 4. A whole 48 months in this world. What can I say….my heart is heavy with memories and emotions.
Emotions I wish I could let out occasionally, but instead they stay built up because maybe there’s nobody to talk to, maybe there’s nobody who ’il understand, maybe everyone is busy, maybe I’m also just too emotional, a lot of maybes…the point is, these emotions build up over time until something happens, whether good or bad, that makes me reach this breaking point.
Single motherhood, I’m saying motherhood because I’m not a dad, I don’t know what single fathers feel,
However single motherhood can get lonely sometimes. Whether you chose it, or it chose you, at some point, especially if you’re like me and don’t have real support from family,
You will reach that breaking point more times than you may want to admit.
Some days are better and all it takes is me hiding in the toilet for a few minutes and some days are like this, where I question my entire motherhood journey and wonder if I’m even doing enough…
I mean I know its all in my head and I know I can’t do more than my best, which I believe I am, but there’s still that part of me that wants to do offer him so much more. I am also very aware that most of the things I stress about are material things, but I can’t help but stress about them
I wish I could have been able to give him a lavish birthday, now does he need it, probably not
These complexities have more to do with me than him. I wonder if people see me as a mediocre mother because I’m not financially stable and I don’t want that
I don’t want him growing up lacking anything at all….
My insecurities, complexities and struggle have a lot to do with me navigating between being a good mother, a good student, wanting to not just offer my kid a better life but also myself, (a girl’s got expensive taste ok!).
I don’t know what someone else may be struggling with but at the end we all must believe that in the end everything will work out for our good. Is it a business, is It money, are you battling with your mental health…whatever it is, I urge you not to give up. As long as you’re doing your best, everything else will eventually fall into place.
One may wonder why I do these obvious reminders…that is because no matter what someone may feel, you’re never alone
Someone else is feeling the same way or even worse and I speak from experience when I say, that sometimes hearing these reassurances said out loud by someone else goes a long way
So here you go… these reminders are for all of us.
- You are doing great
- You are not alone
- You should be proud of yourself for surviving all your bad days
- I cannot say this enough, but you are enough!
- Don’t forget to pray.
Now chin up and continue reading Isaiah 41:10.
One day at a time 