Its 3:25am and I cannot sleep. I haven’t been in this mood where I cry myself to sleep in a long time. I think I need a hug.
I randomly came across the song “Like my father” by Jax and the lyrics just resonate with me in so many ways. But that isn’t what made me emotional. Its just the song that finally made me bawl my eyes out.
The lyrics goes as follows:
I wanna come home to roses and dirty little notes on post-its
And when my hair starts turning grey, he’ll say I’m like a fine wine better with age
I guess I learnt it from my parents, that true love starts with friendship
A kiss on the forehead
A date night
Fake an apology after a fight
I need a man who’s patient and kind
Gets out of the car and holds the door
I wanna slow dance in the living room like we’re 18 at senior prom
And grow old with someone who makes me feel young
I need a man who loves me like, my father loves my mum.
I, unfortunately, didn’t have parents who loved each other. Or better say I never witnessed my dad love my mum, so I don’t know what that would have looked like.
Moving with my father and his wife, there was no love either, so I guess its safe to say that the bar was…. Is really low.
As a young black or African girl child, you’re taught to behave a certain way, you learn to cook by a certain age, or at least you should. You should dress modestly. Go to church. You hear stuff like “is this how you will behave in your husband’s house”. An African girl child is groomed to be a wife to a man from a very young age but who teaches these boys, who eventually turn to be the men we marry, how to love.
A girl child is groomed to be nurturing, loving, submissive. Accept whatever BS the man brings to her because well, boys will be boys.
However, why aren’t these men raised to be the men that we eventually need.
A lot of boys don’t get taught that sometimes you should buy flowers. Sometimes just a “hey babe I saw these and I thought of you” goes a really long way. Why are boys not taught that well “girls will be girls” too.
Who teaches these men that a man actually taking care of his household, not just by providing, is not him “helping”
Who teaches these men that being romantic and affectionate towards your girlfriend/fiancé/wife isn’t being a bum or a simp but taking care of your woman, which is in fact your duty, just as it is hers to do same?
Why is the boy child not allowed to vulnerable without phrases like “boys don’t cry” or “man up”- this is why we have a bunch of damaged little boys in grown men bodies who don’t know how to be vulnerable and categorize women as “emotional being” because we demand men with emotional maturity.
So many men looking for “strong” women because their definition of strength is their mother who was a miserable single married woman for her entire adulthood.
Girls are taught to love but never taught about the signs to watch out for, for when you need to stop loving. When is it the right time to stop loving a man or better still when is it the right time to stop trying and just let the man go?
Boys, however, aren’t even taught to start loving. At least most do not…..
I drifted there……
The song also made me feel lonely. I do want to come back home to roses. To little surprises and little meaningful gifts that my man bought for me because he paid attention. I do want to slow dance like I’m 18 at senior prom and grow old with a man who loves me with all his being.
However, right now, in this very moment, I just wish I could pick my phone and hear my father tell me that this is just a moment, and it will pass. Even if it didn’t work out with my mother, I’m wondering why he couldn’t love me. Why did I not get the privilege of idolizing my father because he set my bar so high. Why did I not get a kiss on the forehead? Why was he not patient and kind with me?
Why did he not teach me what it means to be loved by a man? Am I that unlovable that even my own father couldn’t be around me?
How can another man love me correctly when my own father couldn’t …..
Its 4:09am and I think I’m drifting again. Does this post even make sense….
This is the first time in a long time that I feel lonely…so cheers to that
One day at a time 