I am busy.

I used to hate it when people don’t reply to my messages, but truth be told, I have become one of those people. Messages stay unopened and unanswered for days. I just don’t have the strength for it so what do I say, I am busy. “I’m sorry, I was busy” and yet I’m seen posting on my Instagram stories.

I lied and said I was busy. I am busy but not in the way most people might understand. I was busy calming a racing heart. I was busy taking deeper breaths. I was busy calming irrational thoughts. I was busy telling myself that I am okay. I was busy picking up every broken piece of myself that still needs fixing. I was busy running away from my fears and at the same time busy trying to face them.

I was busy wiping my tears and telling myself that my future is bright even though I feel suffocated right now. I was busy convincing myself that when the time is right, I will find happiness, both alone and with a good man who deserves me. I was busy telling convincing myself that I am not a disappointment and that I will shine when my time comes.

I was busy calming the storm around me. I was busy telling myself that this is just phase, and this too shall pass. I was busy telling myself that I am not a failure. I was busy trying to break down because I feel those tears about to run down my cheeks and I don’t even know why. I was busy telling myself I have every right to be here because I have purpose, I just haven’t found it yet. I was busy telling myself that I am enough even though people have made me believe otherwise. I was busy beating myself up about not having a productive day. I was busy beating myself up about being behind in life. I was busy comparing myself to my mates who seem to be ahead of me.

I was busy mourning a failed relationship that I thought would last forever this time. I was busy mourning all the people that I thought would be there forever but have become strangers to me. I was busy telling myself that there is nothing wrong with me. I was busy telling myself that I am hurting, healing, and growing all at once and that is uncomfortable. I was busy telling myself that I am good mother. I was busy…. !

Sometimes this is my busy and I will not apologize for it.

Idea: @christi.steyn