shattered

Hello, my lovelies, I hope you guys are all well. It has been such a long time, ok two weeks but it feels like forever. I had exams, two presentations and I still have two term papers to submit sooo, you can imagine how stressful the last few weeks have been. Let’s not forget the toddler who needs my undivided attention every day. But I am back now, and I hope it stays that way.

So, I am not ok. There I said it. I have been really overwhelmed with lots of emotions lately. I try to be strong for myself and my son but truth is, sometimes I get so tired of being strong all the time. Every now and then I want to lock myself in the bathroom and drown myself in my sorrows, I want to soak up all my emotions and just let my tears fall over my cheeks without having to hide it behind my smile. Every now and then I want to be taken care of, I want to be weak and just let someone hug me and tell me everything will be fine.

Someone recently asked me how do you everything by yourself, being a student, a mum, how did you deal with the breakup, they asked….

And my response was, I am used to being on my own. I am used to not be surrounded by major support. Thinking of it now, that is just so sad. Nobody should feel like they are alone. That is a depressing place to be. I think the last time I felt genuine parental love, care and support was 2007, that’s when I left my mum and I have been missing her so much lately.

Sometimes I can’t bear to call her because I just sit there crying. You would think that speaking to her would help but nope, just makes it worse because it’s like I hear the voice and she does the best she can do from afar, but I need that touch, that hug and for her to tell me everything will be fine and I just can’t get it. In times like this, I question God, why do I have to go through this. I compare myself with my friends who have these (seemingly) great parents and I wonder why God could not allow that for me.

My prayer these days goes:

Dear God, I am tired. I have been tired more days than I can even remember. I know you said you would not give us more than we can handle but Father I am tired, I am drained, and I am exhausted. I am scared. Scared of failing, scared of the unknown. I need answers, I need you to say something, I need you to do something….. but then in my midst of demanding I pause

Then it goes please use me. I surrender to your will and your way. Whatever it is this phase is trying to teach me, I am willing to learn. I know my time will come and I know you will never leave me so I surrender to your will. Prayer is not about what we want but what God has spoken for us. Prayer is not you telling God what you want but its you speaking out what heaven has already decreed so my prayer now is that God’s will be done in my life and I say Amen and I lay there with my mind still doing a whole 360 and then at some point I drift off to sleep and repeat the cycle. I am shattered but I choose to Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.