Do you sometimes feel like your life lacks meaning, purpose? Well for those of you, who have found their purpose in life, how does it feel to be God’s favorite? I do not know if I have found my purpose in life. I do not think I have or maybe I have, and I am just too blind to notice and therefore not walking in my truth and my purpose.
Now this is a personal topic and might be triggering so read at your own discretion honey. Have you ever contemplated suicide? I definitely have a couple of times. As recent as this week, and no I am not always thinking of taking my life but sometimes……..sometimes I just have bad days, or weeks and I try to remind myself that it is just a bad day, or a bad week maybe even months but not a bad life. This is something that I have opened up about this topic to only one person and it hasn’t been in details, so I don’t know why I am writing this for people who aren’t close to me to read.
Every time, in the past couple of years, my method of suicide is always the same. It is me cutting my wrist with a knife. I do not know why that method sticks out and each time I actively chicken out. For various reasons. One being that life will not always be like this. I know that I am growing, pushing, healing, and going through life by myself all at the same time. Now more importantly, it is my son. Who will look after him? Nobody will be able to look after him like I do. Why let him go through life without his mother, would I not be selfish. What about my mother, someone who has sacrificed so much for me in her life, she does not deserve to bury her child, would that not be selfish of me? What happens to all my hopes and dreams, who will fulfill them on my behalf? I have so many reasons to live for and yet why does it sometimes feel empty, like I had no reason to be alive, like nobody would miss me when I am gone. I do have the desire to live, I do not want to die, and it is not about whether someone wants to live or die, rather it’s the desperation behind wanting to stop the pain or agony because everywhere you turn, it feels like there’s no hope. It feels like it will always be like this.
I was listening to Heaven by Khalid and it goes: Heaven make me an offer, Lord, there’s nothing left out here……and those lines just hit me all the time because that is how I feel sometimes, but I know it is a lie. So, as I tell you, I tell myself, do not let a bad or an uncertain phase of your life shake you. Do not let the fact that you do not know where your life is going shake you. You have not found your purpose? That is ok, everything will happen in God’s time. Remember that you can only find purpose and live your truth only if you actually stay alive. Suicide is not an option. I urge you to find a healthy coping mechanism, speak to someone, speak to a therapist, find a hobby, occupy your time with meaningful things that bring you joy. I have found mine in writing, so I encourage you to find something that gives you peace of mind Now we all are just going to have to chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.
One day at a time 