I do not give myself enough credit

30.12.2020, 23:47pm. Perfect times for the brain to wander and reminisce on life. Maybe I am feeling like this because the last day of the year is just 10 minutes away but Moses Bliss- Too faithful has been on repeat for hours now. This song means a lot to me, this song has distracted me from a lot of dark thoughts, this song has given so much strength in times of need, this song has reminded me why I must hold on, no matter what. Simply put, this song has gotten me through most of my darkest days.

I stumbled upon an old picture of my son in the hospital and then started going through old pictures and videos of when we were still in the hospital. I was there from March 2018 up until June 2018. Those were probably the scariest months of my life. First pregnancy, first child and then having to give birth under scary circumstances was very traumatizing. I did not have a parent who held my hand, gave me a hug when I needed it, or just be there to advise me. I was scared, I was tired, I was drained, exhausted.

Fast forward to 2020 between end of April, maybe beginning of June when I started searching for accommodation to August when I finally found one…. pfff imagine feeling totally uncomfortable in a place you thought was going to be your home. A place you thought you would have your little family and raise a little king…well that did not happen. I would leave the house everyday with my son, go to anywhere and stay out the whole day, be back just in time to put my son to bed. It was “same shit, different day”. I remember sleeping on the floor because the room my son and I were sharing was not big enough for his bed and a blow-up bed so I would put blankets together, so my back does not hurt. I went to an aunt’s house one day to pick up my son and before leaving I sat on her balcony, literally crying because I did not want to go back. I would call my big bro, shaking, telling him that I had to leave asap. That was how uncomfortable I became.  

There is so much more I could write about that phase of my life, but I will stop there for now. I guess I’m writing this as a reminder of how far I have come and how long I have held it together, for my son and for myself. I do not give myself enough credit. I have always shown up and I will continue to show up for my son and for myself. Like this night, I might need a minute to pause and shed some tears, but I will always show up and for that I am grateful to God for the strength to carry on.

Its now 31.12.2020, 00:16 a.m., Moses Bliss- Too Faithful is still playing but I wish you all a happy new year. I pray that 2021 be good to all of us. I pray we all do great things. Now Chin up and read Isaiah 41:10.